::i am a small dot in damansara::

what i remember of her: whitney houston

2012-02-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

So the famous irreplaceable Whitney Houston has joined names like Michael Jackson, Elizabeth, Heath Ledger and others. As usual, we only appreciate something when its already a lost. Strangely, there was not much attention for her, before her death.

“So goodbye. Please don’t cry. We both know I’m not what you need.”

When I left primary school, waiting for my offer for a boarding school, I had this cute radio ball which is transparent and you can see the chips inside, and the LED lights will be turned on each time you listen to it, and it looks like a UFO.

(It looks something like this but this is an air purifier LOL)

At night before going to sleep I will always turn it on, listening to the most popular in demand song.

And it was I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston.
That was the most prominent memory that I have about the legend.

And when I was in high school, of course I bought the tape cassette of Bodyguard OST, and also fell in love with Run to You.

Because at that time, if I run to someone that I liked, definitely he would run away.

Those years I was being extra melancholic (I am still now but not that much LOL),
And Whitney Houston songs were my favorite. Like Mariah Carey & Celine Dion, I grew up listening to her songs.

You will always be remembered.

your life your choices.

2011-12-27T15:13:00.001-08:00

Life can be long, life can be short.
This video reminds me that we don't know when we're going to go back to Him,
and it is important to check back our responsibilities to Him at all times.

the challenge as a graphic designer

2011-12-21T16:56:00.001-08:00

the challenges as a graphic designer

Two years back I took the role to be a freelance designer, and I am privileged to receive a project or two every month.

True as what my designer friend said, you will be constantly be required to do amendments again and again til the customer gets satisfied.

The recent project was such a pressure. The client is extremely fussy, even more particular than the requests given from my main client. The person in charge kept on pestering me to amend the namelist on the production poster, align the wordings so that they are exactly 100% straight, keeping on changing the background color and graphics on it. I had to send her version by version even when I am busy attending a training at the office.

I understand her commitment to give the best poster to her team, but sometimes it gets so frustrating.

Oh well, this is the way it is.

hi there, it's nearly end of the year.

2011-12-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, this blog is actually eligible to be closed down due to its very long inactivity. I wonder who is still checking out my blog. Perhaps they landed on my site from clicking on their google results.

Updates of changes of my life, compared to the last time I wrote my post- well, I am still in the same relationship. Relationships are a challenge but I guess the way we are designed, we do need to be in a relationship. How about me? Why do I want to stay?

It is still a mystery to me. Maybe deep inside me I know that having someone who sincerely cares for you is as rare as getting to meet some mega pop star for the States. I’ve met so many hot people out there, but I got to be real, none of them do take any step to come to me and say, “hey I wanna be with you and take care of you the rest of my life”.

In other parts of my life, well, I’ve got a car! And started to live with my parents and my apartment is left collecting dust. Okay, once a while I go there watering my plants.

I’ve also travelled a few times. Got to watch a good musical in Singapore, went to Bangkok and met Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Will Smith, Nicole Kidman and even Lady Gaga! Well, they are the wax dolls in Madam Tussaude.

Achieved some, lose some. Too many things in life to jot down in one single post.
I am no perfect. In fact, I can even put myself in the label of people who are spiteful, bitter, mean, evil, and heartless and karma goes back to me. But what’s the point of continuing sitting at the corner blaming myself but not doing anything? The world is still the same regardless that you cry in regret or cheer in joy. But putting yourself out of an emotional state will make you take action and that action will make a difference.

Okay, so this my first comeback post. Trying not to think too much whether my writing will be perfect enough to read. Important thing is, I’m starting to use these letters on my keyboard again.

affirmation

2011-05-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

As I reflect on myself of what has happened onto me, of this relationship which, if not totally gone, is in its comma state, I realize that this grief, no matter how real it is, has no further effect of moving anything anywhere.

Poetic words and sad songs can only accompany a troubled heart full of sorrow, but I need to step up and do something if I want things to change and improve.

It is a fact that someone I dear has totally lost hope on me and has put off the light in his heart.

It’s close to impossible, but if I believe in myself, I might get him back.

Even all these writing above, is just an expression of me writing it. No good thing can come out of the above if I don’t take any action at all.

Wake up! It’s just too fair for me having the chance of having my dear dear still around with me, I should cherish it and prove it to him. No, prove it to myself actually.

What matters is not that he loves me back.

What matters is that I do love him.

Like he said, I know what he wants. So give it to him.

And I need to be closer to God as well. I’ve let myself astray too much.
Here we go.

P/S: to an old friend (who is also having trouble in his relationship), I am grateful for us being support buddies and to believe that we can make things better. We, are responsible of the things that we have, and the relationship that we are in.

quotes.

2011-05-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.

The bitterest tears shed are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

The saddest thing in the world, is to love someone who used to love you.

if it's you

2011-05-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

If It’s You

I always saw you smiling
I knew from the moment I saw you
If it’s you, If it’s you, if the person by my side
Is you, if it’s just the two of us together
Forever is possible~

Darling, I will smile only for you
Darling, again for your sake, I will shed tears for you
If I could only love one person my entire life,
Just one person, it would be you

I saw your sad expression
The tears I saw for the first time, pained me
If it was me, if it was me, by your side,
If it was me, if we were together~
We can be happy~

Darling, I will always stay by your side
Darling, I will live only for you
If I could only have only one love my entire life, just one,
That person would only be you

Like a tree with deep roots
When the wind blows
I will take the brunt of whatever comes to you
Be my magnificent flower
That blooms on my branch
Forever~

Darling, I will only love you
Darling, I will live only for you
If I could fall in love once, just once,
The person I would fall in love with would be you
Darling, I’ll love only once, just once,
And that person is you

delusional

2011-05-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

Tears, tears, tears.

I wish I could just sleep it out and when I wake up it’s nothing more than just a nightmare.

This is an ultimate test from God to teach me that I have to change.

At my age now, friends already have their houses that they call a home, a good transport, traveled around the world, savings for the future and for retirement. And the most important thing, they have someone they love so much who takes care of them.

“Thank you for everything. Take good care of yourself”, that was what the person that I love said, and there is no love to offer to me anymore.

How should I take good care of myself? I am left lost wandering in the middle of nowhere.

Freedom which means pain.

I love you, and I miss you.

me. you.

2011-05-18T18:27:00.001-07:00

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door-
I understand

morning came but did not feel like a new day.

2011-05-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

As we shared the night together for the last time as lovers, I was heartbroken again and again and again and again.

"How to make you understand? We will be better off as friends," you said.

Your calmness puzzles me, astounded me, killing me.
You have reached to that level of "If you love somebody, let the person go".

It means that you are already have moved on, jumping on the train leaving me behind.

I sobbed uncontrollably, inside your hug, and this heart will never be able to let you go.

I love you so much dear.

dear dear.

2011-05-18T01:56:00.001-07:00

They say, best work of art is created by those with a troubled heart.
Just a thought. Never mine will be a work of art.

Staring at the PC monitor.
Walking out of the office, staring my reflection at the washroom mirror.
Entering the lift, going down to the ground floor. Entering the washroom and staring at the mirror.
Time stood still, and I am trapped in it.
My mind refuses to think, as when I think, the heart cracks even more.
Especially when I know that I’m the fool to cause the wreck of my life.

Someone dear to me decided to move on.

Flashback images of the nice times together, naturally poured in.
The most painful part has yet to come, when I really realize that this is reality.

Of course, I am in this denial, hoping that at least there is some love left for me.

Holding a crumpled receipt, flattened it, fold it into small piece.
Staring at the empty mug, and the office feels even more cold as the body temperature went a micro degree down.

Dear dear.
Dear dear.
Dear dear.

Forcing myself not to type any sms, not because I am giving up, but because I don’t want him to get dizzy and disturbed again.

Thank you dear dear for always being there.
Thank you dear dear for the million things that you did for me.
Thank you dear dear for your care, when I am sick, when I am lost, when I am in need.
Thank you dear dear for just being there.

Dear dear.
Dear dear.
Dear dear.
Dear dear.

There are SO many memories that I share with dear dear.

I love you dear dear.

you did it too

2011-05-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

Few years back, someone told me about something which can be pondered on to.

"The thing that you hate people to do, is actually a reflection to improve yourself.
You have also done somewhat similar, in other forms, in the past."

Recently I quietly sniggered when I saw my cousin's cursing towards those who tagged him on some of their 3D artwork on Facebook.
I laughed because he is also a show-off by tagging people on his photography work in Facebook.
I was also tagged and felt annoyed by that.
But guess what? I tagged people too, to have them see my photo albums.

So yeah, the thing that we judge about people is actually a judgment towards us too.
Don't buy this? Then you will lose a rare chance to learn to reflect on ourselves.
It is true that things happen for a reason, only for us to be open and learn from it.

dont dream of anything more just yet

2011-05-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

As the years go pass, I see the people around me going through their lives in many different ways. Some finally settled down with their spouse. Some went away to recreate their lives and came back with a determination to cause a huge transformation for the nation. Some made it, others just gave up easily and blame depression. Some grew up, others did not. Some found the one, some were heartbroken. Some learnt to love their family members, others continue to hate and accuse. Some flaunt their wealth. Others who are wiser were humble and got wealth too AND they quietly attained qualification from overseas.

What I see after 30 years of living and the last ten years of sea storm, to have a good life there should be constant gratitude in it. Where ever we are in life, naturally we always want to head for something better. But life is just how it is, if we focus on the things we dont have without being grateful at all of what we have, let it be a prince sweeping our feet, or a mountain of diamonds served for us, we will NEVER be happy.

Perhaps this life is a test. As long as we stomp our feet wallowing how bad life is, guess what? Life will ALWAYS be bad.
Don't wish for anything further if we try not to live and appreciate what we have now.

Yeah, I'm writing here when I am sober. But if there is a breakdown in future awaits, I can practice being calm, optimistic, and love the opportunity I already have.

let it go

2011-04-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

A person with Asperger syndrome has extra capabilities on calculating, strategizing, doing mapping on logical subjects. However he has lower ability when it comes to affection, emotions, and human touch. When he is angry, he will simply hit the other, or if the other touches him, he will hit them too.

When things are not logical or not happening in order, ie: layout of house not according to map, or classes do not happen according to timetable, or people not telling the facts or the truth, he will fall sick, and vomit, because it is “not logical”.

He finds it difficult to channel his emotions to actions like crying, laughing or such. He would either keep quiet, groan, vomit or hit people.

The above is just my own understanding on these people, after reading “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time”. A dog got killed and a boy with Asperger tried to solve the mystery.

If a person with Aperger’s syndrome relies on the truth and the FACTS,

Below is something different-
I am writing below not based on facts but what I feel.
So bear with me. This is just a ranting to clear my chest off.

I am not really in an empowered mode right now.

My whole IT department, has the probability of 90% to be outsourced by the company. Well, in other words, we ARE going to be outsourced, and “90% possibility” is just a lame hope created by my own mind, clinging on the 10% possibility that it’s not going to happen.

On the bright side, we will be entering a whole new IT outsourcing company with an opportunity to learn and what not. But I can’t lie to myself that the whole department is upset, given up, whatever.

On the other hand,

I realized that I am no longer needed for graphic design in another company. Well, I have always known that the company now is flourishing and they have already employed a very good in-house designer, but only yesterday it dawned on me that my time is done.

I was really upset, but of course, they have logical and business reasons and they need to protect their interests.

Maybe it’s time for me to keep myself on the ground, aware that I am an outsider and I am not the hired graphic designer. I have to know my place.

All these challenges are the beginning of a scary adventure for me.

I looked at things that I have pasted on the wall of my cubicle. The theater promotional postcard that I designed using my own hands, which they have already altered accordingly, for the future performance. The pictures of celebrities, and some with me in those photos.

Yesterday’s achievement is today’s ego trip.

Time to put them all down.

Time to move on for a new adventure.

first few words of my 30th birthday

2011-04-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve reached the age of “3 series”, that’s what Malaysians would say.
At this point, I am quite immersed into the pile of work at the office, getting back to practice to repair my trumpet skills, hanging out with my new dear-dear doing so much activities, working out so diligently at the gym, once a while stayed at my parents’ wrapping one or two door gifts for my sister’s wedding, and if I look at my schedule, it is getting busier and scarier all the time.

Elected as the photographer and second graphic designer for the coming Dreamgirls Broadway Musical Sensation which is to be staged at the national theater, I could foresee a chaotic fast-paced life ahead. Thousands of photos to take and edit. Burning the late night oil to squeeze ideas and materialize them on my HP Compaq to create the brochures, program book and photo book. Deadlines that make us almost die. A rollercoaster that not all of us have the privilege to be a part of making a huge project a success. Oh dear.

I am also now having one trumpet student to worry about, aware that he is much better than me in relative of years of playing picking up the trumpet. On my third year playing, my playing still sounds coarse, struggling, and wrong embouchure. On my student’s third year playing (which is the current year), he could play the scales until high F key effortlessly. And it seemed that the etudes that I throw in front of him is playable to him with no qualms or cringes at all. And the etudes are not for beginners, they are MY own collection of studies that I practice all the time. Plus, my student has an Arban book. The trumpet bible for professionals. What?!

And mentioning the trumpet, I’ve also created quite a significant possibility for myself- that is to be a soloist in the orchestra. This means a lot of practices to get back on the gang of good trumpeters, as I have been noticeably slacked out and it showed during the last Jazz Band performance for the Broadway Academy Talent Program.

No big success comes easy. It needs hard work.

And of course the main list of possibilities that I have created in my life for this year:

Being a RM6k worthy of IT personnel
Being fit & hot and maintaining 18 year old health status
Producing professional photography & graphic design
Being a soloist orchestra trumpeter

Yes, I am going to be very busy this year.

pray for japan

2011-03-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

The more I read on the news of Japan, the more I see that it’s getting worrying there. Tokyo is now evacuated, eerily quiet. Offices are closed and the economic flow almost went to a halt. Supermarket shelves are empty, essentials like bread, bottled water and canned food is rationed.

Aftershocks are still going on. It’s dark and cold at night, due to power shortage, since the failure of nuclear power plants. Train schedules went crazy, and some people had no choice but to wait because they can’t leave. Some even walk for hours to get back home, blisters on their feet.

It’s even distressful at the area where the big tsunami hit. Thousands of bodies found. Survivors lost their loved ones, their homes, vehicles, farms, jobs. Countless of people have the risk of already being affected by radiation.

The most worrying part is the nuclear plant which is still heating up, and they are struggling to cool it down to avoid a nuclear meltdown, which will disperse radiation through air and water. Workers at these plants never leave. They never even had the chance to leave. They are now strategizing and working very, very hard to stop from an unbelievable disaster to happen.

Don’t talk about risking our lives doing our job. Don’t talk about dedication. We don’t understand the real meaning of it. THESE Japanese are the heroes who dedicate their lives and willing to face the consequences of cancer and death, to rescue Japan.

And the citizens of Japan still remain calm. No looting, no fighting, no shouting. Only patience while queuing for their part of soup or a piece of bread. The hardship of World War and their amazing culture have thought them to share the difficulties they face together.

Please pray for Japan. Please pray, at least, for the nuclear plant to cool down as soon as possible and restored.

a start mid of march

2011-03-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon!
Long time no see. (talking to my own site, attempting to be funny here).

What have I done in my life lately?
I have been totally out of track.

My current passion which is taking a huge chunk of my free time is working out at the gym, and I’ve been spending my weekend with dear-dear too.

Seriously I need to re-structure my life again.

My trumpet skills has gone down the drain.
Really, coming to orchestra practice once a week is not only insufficient, it will kill my lips, because it is not used to extreme weekly playing without constant practicing everyday.

It will kill my ego because the ten year old new trumpeter will be playing better than me.

It will also kill my passion because I might be thinking that I’ve lost interest, when actually I was the one not doing anything.

Darned. I don’t care, even if I go home at midnight, I am going to drag that mouthpiece to my mouth and at least do some basic drills.

And how about my photography passion?
I’ve been carrying the camera everywhere in my backpack, and I am becoming a camel.
With NO photography results. No shots, nothing spectacular.

They say, for new things to come in, you need to do housekeeping to manage and rearrange the old ones, and throw away the junk.

My Compaq is piled up with unsorted RAW images. No wonder there is no enthusiasm in snapping any piece of graphic art. Because my Compaq laptop is already a painful art.

So yeah, I am going to pack food for lunch, eat at my desk, and re-organize my photos.
I owe this blog so many photos to be posted already.

Let’s do this clean up as a start, shall we, before venturing forward to another huge possibility.

anime advert for Louis Vuitton

2011-02-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

I just love everything about this advertisement, including the song in the background.
This cute short anime was done by Takashi Murakami, a Japanese pop designer.

Enjoy.

love and hate in the world of photography

2011-02-25T00:31:00.000-08:00

I love photography. It is not too easy to create a nice photo that makes people smile, but it is not too difficult either.

But mingling around with photographers is a tricky part.

I come to a generalization that photographers, if they are not strange people with odd behavior (something like you feel if you suddenly woke up surrounded by Ewoks), they are most likely to be very egoistic people passionate with gadgets, and their language is a bit rough than the common people do.

If you look at musicians and others involving in fine arts, they are sensitive and very expressive. If you look at sportsmen, they are rough, they punch at each other as a way to socialize.

If you mingle with photographers, they are a mixture and in between of the two characters.

It makes me a bit uncomfortable being around with them, fearing that I will get a big bash of critic on the photo work that I do. Or maybe I have bad PR? Oh well.

On the other side, it’s not that bad.

I was browsing through an old discussion forum post, where I proudly showcased my first few photos that I took so much effort to snap, using my Sony bridge/prosumer/superzoom/semi-pro camera.

And one of these evil photographers commented:

“Pointless”.
“What are you trying to show??”
“Congrats, you have killed the grass, the tree, the flower and the butterfly”.
“What is this?”

My heart went hancur-berderai.
Covering up feeling dreadful about it, I directly emailed him, well, since he thinks that he is good, I wanted some advice.

With that snobbish tone, he talked about bokeh, depth of field, story in the picture, and all the jargons, which I was instinctively forced to look up on the net.

I even vowed to have my photography skills up to another level.

Today, yeah, I still feel mad and awkward with that fella.
But when I looked back at the old discussion forum, I laughed.

Because what he commented on my old beginners photos, were true.

p/s- since it's a crude world in photography, be cautious when you shop for a camera, lens and its accessories. Some sellers are so rude and will critic your opinion like you are so stupid about photography. Get prepared, study the item first online, make an internet survey, or if you have no time, if they are so rude, just smile and say thank you. Go to other shops.

(This is just a generalization - not all photographers are like that)

a day to cherish your loved ones.

2011-02-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

Happy super belated new year and happy belated valentine’s day everyone.

I know that awkward feeling when I was single and have to go through valentine’s day alone, when each thing showcased by shops were like shouting on your face about couples and celebrating your lover (when you have yet got a lover by your side).

But to be frank I was not really depressed, not like the usual “here I cry alone again on a valentine’s night” or “screw you valentine’s day” and that kind of stuff that I hear all around.

Instead I was being more kiasu. You celebrate valentine’s day with your “couple”? I celebrate kaw-kaw with my friends. Couples go to fancy restaurants? With a little bit of effort, I can find some other bar as good as that, only that they don’t get swarmed by couples. Just avoid the movies though, because we will see couples everywhere and will start to complain.

Celebrating love is not only between you and the soul mate that you love. It is also for you to celebrate your girlfriends, your brothers and sisters, your mates.

Why not just enjoy that good atmosphere the next time instead of sitting at the corner of your bed in the dark? Kick yourself out and hangout with your family and friends. If it is too corny, then treat them well- cherish them quietly without them knowing it.

After all, valentine’s day is to acknowledge and giving a treat to your loved ones, and not particular yourself.

another good one

2011-02-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone.

I am not ready yet to write any post.
My mind is empty of ideas, just full of thoughts of work and life.

Anyway, hope this video lightens up your day.

a crazy video

2011-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

Good day!
I am half-way back.
Enjoy this crazy video to make your day ;D

a song of passing on

2011-01-22T04:23:00.000-08:00

on a break

2010-12-19T03:57:00.000-08:00

Dear readers,

I will be taking a period off from writing about my life.
Right now I am going through a phase of changing my life.

At this period of time, I am staying with my family whom I need
to be around with the most.

Til we meet again.

an inspiration

2010-12-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

Firework by Kate Perry.

taking chances

2010-12-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

Months flew so ever fast.
Today, I am back having a boyfriend,
a very kind gentleman who always does his best
to have my world a better place.

Was it too fast?
It does feel a bit too fast.
I was even still in confusion when I accepted the proposal.

But he is the one of the kindest person on earth.
You will hardly find another in a million years.

And we are willing to take this chance to work out this relationship, through the easy times and the hard times.

You don’t know about my past and
I don’t have a future figured out
And mayb this is goin’ to fast
And maybe it’s not meant to last

But what do you say to takin’ chances
What do you say to jumpin’ of the edge
Never knowin’ if there’s solid ground below
Or a hand to hold or hell to pay
What do you say?

I just wanna start again
And maybe you could show me how to try
Maybe you could take me in
Somewhere underneath your skin

talk about facial care

2010-11-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

This makes me sound like a skin care promoter, but why don’t I just share a bit of the two simple products that I use for my face. Perhaps someone can get benefit from it.

I have a combination of mildly oily and dry skin.
My complexion is the durable type. It could actually cope with abrasive body soap, (I don’t really go panicky if I travel once a while and the only thing I’ve got to clean my face is a piece of soap) but it hates over-hydrating skin care product.

I have tried a few different brands.
Products that pamper the skin too much would only aggravate the oiliness of my skin.
Toner is a huge no no, I’ve tried different product and zits would come out.
I must also stay away from cleanser which leaves a certain protective layer on the skin, such as Neutrogena and L’oreal for women.

The only “facial care set” that I used is the trusted L’oreal for Men Foam Wash- Detoxifying and contains Vitamin C. It recharges skin's energy and invigorates skin, reducing signs of stress and fatigue. Active Defence System formula helps strengthen skin's natural defense against daily irritation from shaving, giving less tightness, increased comfort. The 24 Hour Hydration formula makes skin feels smoother and softer all day. Absorption into the skin is quick, leaving non-oily, non-sticky skin.

There, a perfect cleanser that I have loyally been using since forever.

After a while, a clean washed skin is not enough in the long run.
My skin is so far acceptable, however, crow’s feet start to emerge and complexion is still relatively coarse compared to those who have porcelain-like flawless skin.

Since I know well that my skin resists any type of moisturizer and toner during the DAY (because it will definitely collect dirt and clog up the skin, causing zits), I decided to find a NIGHT cream that would “repair” my skin at night. My thoughts went straight to Olay’s Total Effects Firming Night Cream. Furthermore, a friend has been using Total Effects and it was really effective to his skin.

Total Effects out-stands several leading department store products and is also proven effective in fighting 7 signs of aging—look of fine lines and wrinkles, rough texture, uneven skin tone, surface dullness, appearance of prominent pores, noticeability of age spots, and dryness.

The procedure is simple. Just wash my face thoroughly with L’oreal Detoxifying Foam Wash with Vitamin C, pat my face dry with a towel. Start by dabbing a few tiny spots of Olay Total Effects Night Cream on the forehead, cheeks, nose and chin, and rub gently all over the face. The important thing is to go straight to bed and rest instead of doing further naughty activities, because the more you move, the more you make your skin secretes natural oil and will cause it to get collected in the skin at night. Applying this cream is the last thing to do before going to bed.

My skin feels supple the next morning, no excessive grease, and feels even fresh after a morning wash- of course with L’oreal Detoxifying Foam Wash.

Same type of skin like mine? Try out these two products!

coming soon 2011

2010-11-17T02:03:00.000-08:00

chic models at a camera fair

2010-11-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

burgers turned me preggers

2010-11-10T18:28:00.000-08:00

As you know, I have been a gym freak for quite some time.

If it is a good fun time, I could go up to 1000 times of light crunches and 100 times on the machine abs with weight.
I’ve done chin-ups, pull-ups, and rapid quick repetition sets on machines for the other parts of the body.

Results-
Chest is getting significantly improved, more room of improvement on the shoulders and arms, but they are getting slightly bigger too. And my weight goes up from 45 to 51 kgs.

I get the above result also for this favorite and easy diet- a burger for each day, best eaten before a good workout. The bigger the burger, the better it is.

However.

A few weeks ago,I noticed a slight increase in the tummy.
Last few days I decided to add another thing in my work out- to run and burn 50 calories.

However.
My tummy flab got worse after my trip back from Batu Pahat.
Yeah, my friend was pointing out about my diet:

Everything must have a slab of cheese.
Two main fattening dishes at a time.
Even the iced chocolate is requested to be topped with whipped cream.

I had a panic attack when I squatted down this morning, and saw my belly desperately trying to fold its bulge. I am now officially pregnant, in not a good way. Luckily no twins or triplets.

I looked up the net and here is what I got about burgers:

And I received an sms from a dear friend:

Yeah you can gain muscle very fast, but you are also consuming fat, which stays as fat. To gain mass, you have to consume 1000cals more than usual, but it doesn’t mean consuming fat. More lean meat, but not deep fried processed food- which is rich in calories and fat from the process food as well as the oil that they use to refry so many times and the fat gets collected inside.. huuuu…. The fat will then covers all your organs, because you’re not doing much cardio, how’s that? Sorry I am a bit mean but from the beginning I disagree with your determination in eating burgers, because it’s pure fat and rich in sodium, and no nutrition.

Take that! The nutrition table proved it too.

So yeah, with the wiping of my tears away from the corner of my eye, I wave a small cotton handkerchief and say farewell to Burger King and Big and Tasty Mc D.

I am going to say no on cakes, sweet rich concoctions, ice cream, chendol, etc.
More pure sugarless juice like plain nice watermelon or green tea.

And say hello Subway sandwich, and occasional Nandos!

So here I declare for my life:

The possibility of reduced tummy, bigger arms, defined chest and back,
by December 11th, 2010.

the story behind the lyrics

2010-11-04T17:18:00.001-07:00

Mother and father had just flew off to Dubai and then Mecca to perform their pilgrimage, and we six kids are in KL. For a month. It feels strange.

I pray for their joy doing their devotion to God, as well as being safe and healthy during the whole journey there and back home.

Just at the right timing, I am listening to the lyrics of Lady Gaga's latest song that I like so much. What's the story behind the lyrics? Read on. I got this from mtv.com.

Lady Gaga has become such an otherworldly icon, what with her wigs and unusual getups, that it's sometimes easy to forget that she's really Stefani Germanotta, a nice Italian girl From New York who wanted to be the next Madonna. A reminder of that came during her interview with New York's Z-100 radio station on Tuesday morning (October 27), when, along with promoting her forthcoming The Fame Monster expanded re-release, she also talked about her dad.

The re-release features a song, "Speechless," for her father, Joseph, in which she hopes he'll be convinced to seek the medical treatment he needs for his heart condition. "I've known about my father's condition for about 15 years. He told me whatever happens, happens," she said. "I was getting ready to lose my dad and I wrote this song."

She said she brought up the song not to plug her album but to remind her fans, especially the younger, rebellious ones, that they should treasure their parents. "I say this with such sincerity," she said. "I wrote this song called 'Speechless' that was this plea to my father. I sent it to him. I have a lot of fans who are really lovely, young, troubled fans, but I want to remind them that you only get one set of parents."

She performed a snippet of "Speechless" as part of a piano medley on "Saturday Night Live" earlier this month.

Last week, when her dad was in the hospital recovering from the open heart operation he received, she took to Twitter to let her fans know that all was well with him.

"My Daddy had open-heart surgery today. And after long hours, and lots of tears, they healed his broken heart, and mine. Speechless," she wrote. "At the hospital. Giving daddy a foot rub while he falls asleep. He's my hero."

audition is now open!

2010-11-02T01:44:00.000-07:00

After a successful season of SHOUT! The Mod Musical, starred by famous names like Ning Baizura, Nikki, Shanel Shanty James, Tria Aziz, and Tisha Zarina, Broadway Academy is currently working out in the musical Some Enchanted Evening that will be performed on the 16th to 29th December this year. Tickets are for sale right now.

Wanna know more about Some Enchanted Evening?
Click on the picture below.

Exciting news for Malaysia is that Broadway Academy is embarking into a new project next year, the broadway musical Dreamgirls, and auditions are opened to public on the 22nd to 26th of November. If you have the talent, do attend! This is a very very huge project that we should not miss. A platform for the gifted Malaysians to show it to the world.

I will sound like a promoter here, but yeah, this is what Broadway Academy is all about. Eventually, this will cause a shift in the performing arts in Malaysia.

More information on Dreamgirls? Click on the picture below.

being inferior

2010-10-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

I saw something about myself.

I've realized that I've always been feeling small,
And recently that inferiority is eating me up.

It has made me stuck in life that I feel stagnant, not moving forward.
I wasn’t putting in that faith that I could actually produce great results and have great achievements.
Everything that I’ve put effort to is solely based on trying to prove myself and trying to cover up my inferiority complex.
Each time a person gives a bad opinion on me, I took it like a stab in the heart and I feel paralyzed.
And that struggle makes me tired.
Man, I am so stuck up!

I’m giving that up.
For all the things that I am doing now and for all the things that I will take on to in the future,
Just because I wanted to and just because I know that they are essential in me going to the next step of achievements and contributions, because I believe that I can.

Having myself in a free space, I am starting to check back into my own integrity in life.
The promises that I haven’t fulfilled.
The pending responsibilities that I haven’t completed.
The upsets of people that I should give up.

Then, the path will be clear for me to create.

Oh ya, I've updated my photo blog, do pay a visit to see nice new photos!

of cameras that i had & how i deal with my photo subjects

2010-10-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, those humongous camera (normally with Nikon and Canon straps) are so reachable. You can get one at USD400 and you can start snapping beautiful photos.

I am one of them, but thankfully I am a little bit luckier.

So far, under the name of my small company, I did a photo job for one corporate dinner, took photos for a broadway musical company, and also designed the program books, posters and banners for the company’s broadway show. Not that much though, but it was good experience.

A little bit of advertising here- please visit my photo blog and call me if you are interested to hire me for you events! Need some pocket money here, pretty please.

I've been taking photos since forever.
From a simple film camera, I’ve upgraded to a few different cameras:

Yashica film camera – got dipped in the sea

Olympus Miu camera – got stolen after only the first film role

1MP first generation Olympus digital camera – got stolen in the bag I left outside the lecture hall. Never liked it anyway, it’s horribly huge, and the pictures were not clear, and the batteries die fast

2.1MP Panasonic Lumix – got spoilt, friend took it and repaired it and became his

5MP Minolta – passed to my mom, I’m tired of the fuzzy pictures at night and it has limited zoom

10MP Sony HX1 with 20 times zoom – sold off to a colleague. The camera is not fast enough

15MP Canon 500D – my brother helped me to sell it off. I prefer the number 550 compared to this 500

18MP Canon 550D – my current beloved camera.

One of the most unforgettable memories of taking pictures is when people really hated it when I took their pictures, on a birthday party. It doesn’t matter if the photos were nice, once they’ve put that label on you as the intruder, then that’s it. It gave me a scar and from that day onwards, I vowed that I will reach to the level of professional photography.

When handling with people who don’t really keen to be photographed, I have learned a few tricks. If it is going to be a great shot I shouldn't miss, and if it’s not illegal, I will try a different approach.

I will use Live View. By that, people don’t feel or notice as if a huge scary machine is probing on them.

I will do my business as quick as I can. The shorter the time, the less people will start to get agitated by the existence of my camera. But it is a challenge to take nice photos at only one or two snaps. You have to be right at the first time.

I also will say it clearly to my subjects- I only take nice photos. The not so nice ones will be trashed and I will make people look good. After taking shots, once a while I will let them see the results through the screen.

I can also use the telephoto zoom to take from a far comfortable distance and I push up the ISO to capture as much light.

And of course, I learn more and more on how to produce astounding images, so that people will feel assured to be in front of my camera.

I am still fortunate.
A year ago, common people used to hate me when I take their photos.
Today, celebrities flock in front of me wanting me to make them beautiful in my work.
It's not something I get that often in my life.

start with the boring one

2010-10-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

It is so much easy to pour my short thoughts on a Facebook status rather than write a lengthy post on Blogspot. You write small sentences that crosses your mind, and if you think it's not worthy, you remove it.

But if I stop restricting myself pretending that I am a celebrity who can’t post much of my ramblings on the blog, maybe I can do more. I was too busy worrying that it might be too controversial. Or too rude. Or for the worst case, too boring.

Ah, let’s just write this one topic that I wanted to blabber about since long ago.
(Might be a boring one).

Louis Vuitton.
(oh, suddenly I feel my head turning sooo blonde.)

Ah! How I love LV. It is the only luxury boutique that I have entered more than once. True, when I first knew this brand, it was an awkward experience. An old friend was expressing his excitement of receiving his birthday gift from a rich friend- an LV travel bag.

I wasn’t impressed, I thought that the monogram pattern looks like something on your grandmother’s kampong bag. The only thing that made my eyes wide open was the price of it.

But as time passed, I started to appreciate the art of this luxury brand.
Really! If I look at the picture above ten years ago I would have loathed it.
But now I look at it with adoration of art.

At first I loved the monogram and nothing else. Then, I spread some more love- to the damier canvas (the patterns that look like a woven chess board).

Ooh. An LV wallet, in my hands, can have me last for hours adoring it.

LV goods are so expensive, one wallet costs around RM1450. I looked up on Wikipedia, and now I know that they are handmade to perfection, using the best leather, and the history goes back to the 1800s where LV started off by making luxury travel trunk to the royalties, including Napoleon.

That kind of history explains the price tag.
Kau ado?
You got sew buttons for any prince before?

reality fantasy

2010-10-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

The person that I am currently seeing, is sweet.

He could go and find the exact burger that I want, by driving all the way at late night.

He brought me the DVD for a musical just because I am designing the poster, so that, to him, I can get some inspiration and ideas.

He brought me an expensive design book.

He stuff me with all the fine dining food.

He is always full of jokes and laugh.

It happens that he is also a lawyer. Of course he is accustomed with the harshness of the legal world; clients cursing at them, or judges degrading them, especially in court. By that, the challenges that I have is so small to his perception.

For instance, last night I shared with him about a clerk from another department scolding me in email, and forwarded it to all the bosses, claiming that I didn’t do my job well. Of course my own superiors defended me, by writing that the clerk should be thankful to me. However it still sucks and knowing me, I’ll take a while before giving up the ill-feeling. Especially when somebody told me that this clerk has been hating me since long before, perhaps just because I am gay.

After sharing this bad experience with my new date the lawyer, he just replied, “So?”.

I want a partner who can be there when I am down, lending me a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to my upsets, and just let me vent it out. I want a person who could go down walk with me a mile in my shoes, and let me just be me.

Perhaps my demand is too much, almost like I am irresponsible of my life and just want to complain instead of taking charge. But it would be nice if there is a comfortable place for you to rest a while before taking a deep breath, deal with the problem and create a new possibility.

I shouldn’t expect too much from a person. If in nature they couldn’t offer something that I need, I can always seek shelter from a dear friend who understands my melancholic character, my drama and nonsense. And she knows that after each storm, I will rise up and charge.

Or at least I have this blog to ramble about life.

This is life, I can cope.

heart wrenching but beautiful

2010-10-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

This is a post of a friend. His partner, also my friend, broke off with him,
On the night he wrote this. The reason they broke off? Also a mystery to me.

If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010 at 8:17pm

With or without, like it or not, what's left is only that one choice.
That difficult decision had to be done so soon although both hearts will bleed.
Crying til it feels difficult to breath. Sorrow inside the heart. If there's no frustration, there's no awareness of reality. Everyone has to throw shit at me then I will start to crawl away and clean up myself. If not, I'll be too pampered. Too comfortable. Sorry, I'm hurt. Don't blame me being this way.

But once again that night I used my blanket to wipe of my tears. Tired crying til my nose is blocked, difficult to breath. Can't cry out loud, scared people will hear me. In the darkness, I recalled back all the sweet SMSes. My heart was already torn but my finger kept on scrolling it down, reading one by one. If there were 500 messages, I read all 500. Thinking back whatever we had shared together. Remembered the moments I am together with you, talking to you, but this time I feel sadness, not joy as last time.

Because of that particular night, I fell and sat down in despair. Feels so tight like I couldn't move. The familiar pain in my stomach came back. I collect all the energy that I have just to forget. In that short period of time, aided by people around me who appreciated me (although they will not understand and try to make themselves more important than me), little by little I try to put away this frustration and sadness. Forced myself not to think about the painful thing and pretend that I am busy with the work which is not so much. Forced myself to laugh a fake smile, pretending that I am confident to act in front of everyone.

Hope this time I will be strong.

And these are the updates of his facebook..

I don't know how I felt. I just don't want to lose you, you know?

Will you love me tomorrow?

I want you in the most unromantic ways :)

I check myself out in every reflective surface I pass :)

You have no idea how fast my heart races when I see you :)

Let make it short and simple; I love you.

You, I miss you so much. Enough said.

My silence, my smile, doesn't mean that I bow and accept it.

Sorrow in the heart. If I don't feel the frustration, I won't be aware of reality.

We had magic. The love is gone.

my current life, in point form

2010-10-04T02:23:00.000-07:00

Expecting kindness or love in return will only leave you feel frustrated. Take a chill pill, do not expect too much. Be more productive by seeing how we can contribute instead. Life is short.

I have to admit that my life is in the low key right now. I have lost that momentum. In fact, maybe I can consider myself as being lost in life. Whatever it is, I am still responsible in my role as a photographer and designer, and I am still working hard at the gym to gain 5kg of body mass. I have also started to attend orchestra rehearsals at the National Theater.

I am seeing someone right now. Things went on quite well. It is very sweet for a person to give you a very expensive gift on your special day, but not as sweet as how a person can go everywhere searching for the closest McDonalds and buy you the exact burger that you want, at the middle of the night, and bring it to you, after a long night of photography assignment.

Datuk Siti Nurhaliza, in real life, is amazing. Standing beside her husband, she could bring out the image of royalty and class in her being. Even while I am preparing to snap a shot of her, she could stride out a pose, while looking somewhere else, but still aware that all eyes and lens are aimed towards her.

With the founder of Broadway Academy Asia

I am happy to get to take a close up shot of her. I hope that I will have the chance to talk with her and share our thoughts on music and performing arts.

feeling blue

2010-09-26T17:59:00.001-07:00

Allow me to lament.

Sometimes human beings act so strange. At one moment they were so sweet, and the next moment they were cold as ice.

I got to know this guy for a month or so, but I didn’t really have the interest with him.

Firstly, he is not a Chinese (that’s just my preference), and he is a bit on the chubby side.

I have to admit that he is NOT that bad though, because he reminds me of a Malay celebrity.

A few times he gave the signal that he likes me. He also showed that he was upset when I didn’t really responded to him. For example, he was angry because I didn’t return his calls when I was busy getting along with the relatives during Idulfitr, and I apologized and comforted him after that.

Recently, on Sunday night, we went out for a casual dinner at Burger King.

The conversation went really well, and in my mind said, hey, this guy is not bad.
We even talked about having photography outings together, and travel together.

My being switched. I started to look forward to the next step.
Then we had to leave, because his friend had to meet him later at his house to send some stuff.

The next morning, we exchanged sms. In a jokingly manner, as usual.

Good morning!
Morning.. Ha ha I am having breakfast now.
Wah, same as me, you copycat.
Ha ha WHO copies WHO?
Hey, thanks for the dinner last night, if only you were with me the whole night, too bad you got scandal coming to your house.

After my last sms, there was no response from him at all.
I’ve tried to said sorry if I went over the limit, but still he was being silent.

Tried calling him so many times, and the last time he picked up, he said he was busy and he will call me back.

Which he didn’t.

It’s very strange that once I’ve started giving good response to him, he suddenly became quiet.

It’s very strange that although I barely know this guy, the moment I’ve started falling for him, it is still a stab to the heart when I get nothing back from him.

I waited for three days for a call or message, and each day was painful to me,
because I didn't know what would be the best action for me to take.

Is he already over with me?
Is he really that busy?
Is he into me or not?

I stayed in bed the whole Saturday, and decided that it’s time to move on.
There’s no use hoping too much on this, and I have to be generous and kind.
It his choice to decide that actually I don’t suit him.

And yesterday night, I had a nice date with a new guy.

And he is Chinese.

have to work it the new way

2010-09-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

Allow me to lament.

Currently I am in charge of photography and design for an organization. Initial meetings went well, and then suddenly communication didn’t come across between me and the management quite well.

For example, initially I was assigned to do the design part, and email it to the printer. As for the printing fees and when is the right time to print, I informed the management to decide. When the deadline is so close, the management expected me to deal with the decision of the charges and liaise with the printer on everything from A to Z.

Another situation was this situation when I sent an urgent design to the management right after they asked me to do so. On the same day, I promised to send them a not-so-urgent CD containing other designs, a little bit later that night. They failed to inform me quickly that the urgent design didn’t arrive to them, and when it’s already late, they blamed me for not sending the CD earlier.

Because of this miss-communication, the manager told me sternly that “he is upset with me”.

It got worse because right now it came to a point that he completely refused to talk to me directly even when it comes to discussing matters on current design jobs which clearly need to be done.

At the moment, I am only liaising directly with the admin assistant who helped a lot in trying to make things work. Lucky that we have him around.

This is hard, to learn to be totally independent and working under the new management’s style.

I have to constantly give up this noise in my head telling myself that I am a failure, and I didn’t do my job well. I also have to be strong, continuously reminding myself that, eventually, the purpose of my life is-

To have myself and other souls believe that we all can achieve joy and success in our lives.

down

2010-09-25T02:23:00.000-07:00

At this moment, I feel like my life is a mess.
Too many breakdowns to deal with.
The only time I feel calm is when I close my eyes and fall asleep.
All I want is somebody whom I could hug and stay in bed with.

Even a friendly chat with someone that I fought with in the past,
Gives me a nice comfortable feeling for me to distract myself.

Help. Me.

raya - new clothes

2010-09-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Idulfitr to those who celebrate it.
Sorry, this year I didn’t have the urge to send best wishes via sms as the others do.
I also didn’t feel like designing a beautiful online card and paste it on my blog or email to others.

It doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy 1st of Syawal this year, in fact I really did, I was busy snapping photos of relatives and forgotten to snap the decorations and the bountiful food so that I could post them up here.

Sorry!

For myself, raya was a blast.
Most of my relatives went back to Muar, and the first day was about us screaming at each other, taking pictures one family after another. It was havoc.

But the best part for myself is that I kept on buying and buying and buying new clothes, I end up having the clothes below-

One gray t-shirt with green stripes

One green t-shirt with black stripes

One green t-shirt with black stars (what is it with me and green?!)

One brown t-shirt with “Good” written at the front and “Times” written at the back.
So I pointed the “Good…” and made a gay body twist to the back and pointed “…Times”.

One black checkered shirt with silver linings, and one white checkered shirt with black linings.

One purple t shirt with buttons at the front. Something like they have in Topman.

Three pairs of corduroy bermudas - bright sky blue, dark blue, gray.
And one pair of white pants that look like Philosophy but much, much cheaper.

Two boxes of ten bright colored briefs.

And I’ve also (already) got myself one DKNY sweater,
a black shirt by a Thai designer,
one Calvin Klein collar t-shirt,
and one very fancy fake leather Hong Kong-ish jacket that I wore during the musical premier. The brand is Romp.

Really, they have very nice jackets there in Romp. Don’t believe? Have a visit.

Oh, and just before I went back to Muar for raya, I grabbed one black Soda jacket because it’s too nice and it was on sale.

Yeah, it was a wardrobe makeover for me, and I had three huge bags full of clothes to be donated.

Next project? To change all my working clothes. They are getting old and worn out.

departure

2010-09-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

There were two technicians working in my department. One is so good to me, the other is not. With all the turmoil, down-sizing and uncertainty of the company, one of the two had to go. And it was not the problematic one. It was the nicer one.

My heart sank when he came to the office with just t shirt and jeans, no office attire, as it was the last day he will be working here. I only got the news on the same day, so it was a shock for me.

When it was time for me to shake hands with him, I held his hand for about a minute, and said, “I have never been as sad in this office as how I feel right now. Good luck and thank you.”

If it weren’t people around me watching, I would have hugged him. And cry.

So, what is so interesting about this straight guy, and I don’t find him attractive at all?

He was the first friend as I stepped into the office.
We talked and shared a lot of stuff. Life stories. Opinions. Funny experiences.

The most touching thing was when I decided to give a cold shoulder to both technicians, he tried to talk and even asked, “Have you eaten?”

I also sold him my Sony camera and didn’t mind selling it a cheaper price.

When I was in high school I thought straight guys are the most annoying human beings of all.
But today, I’ve realized that they have advantages compared to the girls and the gays, in general.

They are cool. They don’t gossip and they don’t make a big fuss.
They are not choosy, and they are not difficult.
And if you make it clear that you decide to do it your own way, they don’t create a whole symposium to debate, question, insult, challenge, gossip, and bring it forward to the next week, month and year, like how gays and girls do.
They would just quickly and simply say, “Okay.” And that’s it!

I will sorely miss this good friendship that I had.
Good luck bro.

new schedule

2010-09-02T21:42:00.001-07:00

September has arrived.

No, I will not go and sleep and ask you to wake me up when September ends.
I couldn’t afford that.

Just now I’ve created a daily schedule for the months of September, October and November.
The September schedule is almost full, as for the other two months, they are filling up.

On top of each month, I typed in the main purpose of this schedule.

Monthly Schedule for 2010.
To be aligned with the following possibilities:

Professional Photography
International Graphic and Book Design
World Class Trumpet Player
Physically Hot, Healthy and Fit

The possibilities above, created by me.
By having a visible schedule, I can chart where I want to go.
By doing things in order, there will be less sleepless nights due to last minute panic.

I must also remind myself that the possibilities above should get along with my charter;

To have myself and the others believe that we all too can achieve joy and success in our lives.

I should give love more than feeding my pride.
I should do things as a contribution more than seeing things only to serve myself.
I should look forward for the better and stop looking back.

By that I will gain true satisfaction in what I do.

And of course, aside of good planning and effort, I should pray to God for things to fall perfectly in place.

Here comes a new month.

a very nice music video

2010-09-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

Hope this video gives warmth to your heart as how it did to me.

bored and envious

2010-08-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Not a good combination of two adjectives.

Today is a very slow Monday for me.
Containing the least energy that I packed in during sahur, I am experiencing that the office is extremely chilly nowadays.
And if it were chilly during normal days, I could at least take a break to buy something to munch at the café and make hot tea at the pantry.

Yes! A lot of job tasks are laid in front me on my desk, one after another, to be executed and completed. After a while it becomes boring, and the office is so quiet today as a lot of us are taking leave since tomorrow, Tuesday is a public holiday. So they can go for vacation and stuff.

I started clicking the IE and browse through other people’s blogs, and that’s when the unnecessary feeling of envy will seep in.

Oh, she went to New York.
Oh, he has an iPad.
Oh, how come he can get that big mansion?!
Oh, great, you don’t need to work but still can get money that easily.

The strange thing is, sometimes I don’t really long to have the things that people have, but it just came out of jealousy.

Ah, don’t tell me that you don’t have such ill feelings. We all do!
Heard of people saying, “You’re just being jealous”?
Really, stop and look inside you.
Maybe it’s true.

Today I am going to look at it the other way round.
True, it is encouraged to practice having a good heart and drop such negative thoughts,
but what can be done when you have this ill feeling inside?

Observe it. Be aware of it. Embrace it.
Realize that we are human beings with multicolor of feelings inside.
Accept that it’s a natural human trait that could come anytime.

Only then we can decide whether our response to the “ill-feeling” will be for the better or worse.

So yeah. I HATE that you got to go to New York, but- good for you. LOL!

pork or no pork?

2010-08-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

This is what being said by John Osteen, a good Christian, to the public.

i dont like water. am i a cat? miao.

2010-08-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

I don’t like water.
No, I like to have hot shower and go to the beach, but I don’t like to drink plain water.
Only when it comes to desperate measures, such as having a very huge ulcer or I feel very, very thirsty, I will drink a glass of water. Or two.

And of course, because of this dislike towards water, I have the tendency to have chapped lips, ulcers, body heat. Once or twice I will try to be “good”, and start drinking a glass or two of plain water, but I will go back to square one.

I know people who hate eating greens. Or carrots and peas. They call themselves carnivores, but they are the least of all creatures to be scared of. The impact of lack of vitamins makes their skin look pale and full of patches more than a homemade quilt. Oh wait, that's scary. Shriek. Have fear....

Whoops got carried away, back to me.

Since I hate drinking water, and there is a tendency of being dehydrated especially during this fasting month, I discovered a few ways to prevent the bad effect of it.

First. I started using lip balm. Don’t buy the cheap ones, get a good one. Like mine, it’s Eucerin for sensitive skin. Odorless, no taste and effective.

Lip balm is important because it stops the lips from getting chapped and dried and painful. Once the lips get dried, it will affect the inner part of the mouth.

Lips get dried – chapped outside and ulcer inside – inner mouth gets dried – ulcer and sore throat. Eventually I will get fever.

Thus, lip balm is the front defense from being sick because of dehydration.

Apply from the center tip of the lips and you don’t need to apply at the end of the lips, to avoid feeling sticky and uncomfortable. The end of the lips has less tendency to get dry because they are folded in against the upper and bottom lip.

Second. I always make myself drink more at the gym. I go to the juice bar, and take half a glass of water, mixed with half a glass of ice lemon tea. It’s not plain water, and it’s not too sweet. I drink that a lot and I see results.

At other times, I’ll take whatever dessert which contains a lot of water. Whatever you can take! As long as it’s not too sweet and has a lot of water. Fruits, cool pudding, juice, soya drink, tea.

Forth. Take caution when eating chocolate or spicey food. These are agents which would lead to dehydration, according to my experience. Chocolates are rich and dry, it's as if they absorb water a lot. Spicey food are a bit acidic and will damage cells inside the mouth. Do the second step mentioned above to counter this effect.

If you are the same like me, hating plain water, and you hate it when people frown and say, “Drink more water”, have a try on the alternative above. Good luck!

a singer for a day

2010-08-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

Well.
This was a joy in the past, but I am going to share it with you anyway.

A year ago, I joined a singing competition organized by the company that I work with.
It was the first time I sing in a hall, in front of the public, and it was really a horrible experience.
I was scared and nervous, and it felt so difficult to control my voice. It’s as if somebody else singing out there, and the pitch is all wrong and the voice is floating everywhere.

Of course, I lose in that competition.

This year, I received calls from the person from the organizer team.

Will you be joining? She asked.
I’ll think about it, I’ll tell you after lunch perhaps, I answered.

Hi, it’s me again, so how? She asked.
Err, I’m busy at the moment, I will think about it later, I answered.

Few more hours-
Hi.. please, would you like to join? She pleaded.
Okay, okay, sigh, ya I’ll join. The past experience was scary but I’ll join just for fun.

Damn it.

Time flies, and after two weeks of too much work at work-
I only had one night before the competition.

That night I went to a karaoke and sang one whole hour of the song that I will be singing, and coached by a friend who can sing well.

This time the competition markings will be 30% teamwork, 30% creativity, and 40% vocal.

Damnit double time. Ah, I don’t care, for sure I will get zero for teamwork cause I am doing it solo, and there’s no points in creativity for me either.

I went in the hall, trying to be calm, and only with the intention of having fun performing in public.

This year, representatives of my division also formed a group, and they did something like a funny sketch + singing. I helped by designing and printing the supporters banner, took photos for the slide show, and I played my trumpet during the slide show.

Their show was hilarious, especially when the big bosses also got involved and dance and sing.

After a few teams performing and after a few solo singers sang, my turn was the last.

I skipped on stage, and looked towards the crowd. As the music starts, and as I sang the first verse, the whole crowd cheered.

And then they kept silent as I sang the song til the end.

I sang Perpisahan by Anuar Zain.

This song meant a lot to me, reminded me of the sad breakup in April.

And as I sang the last verse, and as the song stopped-
People were still not talking. A minute later-
They cheered.

It felt good becoming a singer for one day.
It was not bad, at all!

The top four prizes went to the performances in groups.
The third prize went to my division- yeay! And I played the trumpet in this group!

And the fifth prize went to me- the only solo singer who won that day.

I enjoyed that day very, very much.

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah kuberi
Tiada lagi bersama

Seringkala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah
Bersulam bahagia

Ku harungi hari demi hari
Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali
Tapi hati masih tak terima
Ditinggalkan sengsara

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
Perasaan hati masih rindu
Kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku
Tercari-cari bayanganmu
Tak sanggup aku kehilangan
Kehilanganmu

Kasih tercari-cari

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
Masih tercari-cari bayanganmu
Tak sanggup aku kehilanganmu

siti nurhaliza and sharifah aini

2010-08-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

In a private press photo shoot, Siti Nurhaliza and Sharifah Aini announced that they are now in good terms and have forgiven the past.

Their personal conflict since the past six years was a controversy, when Siti Nurhaliza was being defamed and led to a court case. The case was dropped eventually.

I am personally touched that these two huge contributors of the entertainment industry have decided to have peace with each other, and start anew. I’m happy for them.

The event was an emotional one.

Siti mentioned that Sharifah Aini was her family favorite, and her late father was a great fan.

And Sharifah Aini said that she secretly keep all Siti Nurhaliza's album in her collection at home.

Perhaps, one day both songstress could collaborate and create an album together, singing their hits back in the past (especially Sharifah Aini’s evergreen classic songs), with a fresh arrangement, accompanied by a good orchestra- that would be amazing.

pork and liquor

2010-08-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

As we all know, Moslems believe that pork and liquor are forbidden to be consumed by God. I was just being curious and wanted to see what is the Christian views on pork and liquor. Surprisingly, although I would find a lot of opinion that say pork and liquor is allowed, I also found this information.

Christianity and Pork

In the book of Leviticus, chapter 11, v. 7, it is recorded that God declares the pig to be unclean for believers.
"And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you".

"Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch, they are unclean to you."

Then, in verse 8, God says: “You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.” This command is repeated in Deuteronomy 14:7-8. Then, in Isaiah 65:2-4, and 66:17, God issues a stern warning against those who eat pork.

Some people are aware of this prohibition from God, but they say that they can eat pork because St. Paul said that all food is clean in his letter to the Romans 14:20. St. Paul said this because he believed (as he wrote in his letter to the Ephesians 2:14-15) that Jesus had abolished the Law with all its commandments and regulations. He seems, however, to have misunderstood what he heard about Jesus. In the Gospel According to Matthew 5:17-20, Jesus is reported to have said quite the contrary, as follows: “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law . . . ."

Jesus then went on in that passage (in verse 19) to denounce anyone who would break the smallest commandment and teach others likewise. He also praised his true followers who will practice and teach even the smallest commandment. One of the commandments, as we have seen, is to stay away from pork.
This is why the true followers of Jesus, holding on to his teachings, did not let unclean food such as pork enter their mouths, so that Peter, the chief disciple, can say, “I have never eaten anything impure or unclean” (Acts of the Apostles, ch. 10, v. 14).

Five chapters later in the Acts of the Apostles, 15:29, we find that the original disciples still differentiate between clean and unclean foods, and this time Paul is in agreement with them. Six chapters later, in ch. 21, v. 25, their decision to impose food regulations on believers is mentioned without regret, and this time Paul is challenged to prove that he is in agreement with them; and he demonstrated his full agreement with them.

Christianity and Alcoholic Drinks

For years Christian's have been forced to take a stand, in the church of all places, regarding whether it is a sin to drink alcohol in moderation. Next, the argument will shift to cursing and then sex moderation. I won't go into that in this article but both are wrong and Scripture (Ephesians 4:29, I Corinthians 6:9) plainly documents that. But for some reason the consumption of alcohol is not as plain to many Christians. Although common sense dictates that God clearly does not approve of alcohol in the Christian life, many continue to fight for its inclusion in today's modern religious society. But there are a few holdouts left including myself.

It's no secret that wine in the New Testament very often meant simply grape juice. In the Old Testament, the word for wine and grape juice was the same. Today, liberal so-called Christian teachers have taken every opportunity to interpret that each instance where wine is mentioned should be interpreted as alcoholic wine rather than grape juice despite long standing Scriptural evidence to the contrary. They choose to believe a lie for the sake of conforming to the world and fulfilling their own lustful desires.

Of course, there will always be those who will bring up the story of Jesus turning the water into wine. But contrary to what many believe, Jesus didn't turn the water into alcoholic wine (John 2:3-10) because He would be contradicting a multitude of Scriptures in the Old and New Testament regarding this subject. Let's analyze this passage of scripture:

"And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, they have no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come. His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it. And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece. Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now."

First of all, a few things must be pointed out. Verse 10 declares that the men of the wedding had already "well drunk". I'm no genius but that tells me they had already drunk a lot of wine up to that point. When the wine ran out, Jesus was asked by His mother to provide more wine. Jesus then commands that they fill six water pots to the brim. It is estimated that those six water pots totaled between 100-150 gallons of water. One thing that you need to remember, they had already "well drunk" up to this point. Jesus had to make a decision; either contribute to the drunkenness that would surely follow with that much wine or just say no. After all, the Bible does say that no drunkard shall inherit the kingdom of God (I Corinthians 6:10). That would be a contradiction in why Jesus came to the earth in the first place…to save all of mankind.

Another violation of Scripture Jesus would have been guilty of breaking is found in Habakkuk 2:15a which states, "Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also". Jesus creating and serving 100-150 gallons of alcoholic wine clearly goes against this Scripture. By doing so He would either place a curse on Himself, His mother who asked for Him to turn the water into wine, the governor who served it to the bridegroom or all three involved in the process.

So why did Jesus serve great quantities of alcohol to those He came to save? The answer is simple…He didn't! Any logical person who has been to a wedding in which the wine has flowed freely (they have well drunk) would have to confess that it usually ends in a drunken brawl with far less wine. I can't even imagine Jesus agreeing to create another 100-150 gallons of wine (768; 24 oz. bottles) under the supposed condition of the recipients.

I also reviewed a few website articles from those who condoned Christian social drinking of alcohol. They said nothing that led me to believe that they even knew the Lord. They also, made no attempt at leading anyone to the cross of Christ (salvation). Their only goal was to twist scripture just enough to persuade unlearned baby Christians that their continuance to dabble in the world was sanctioned by God. They were leading people away from the cross not toward it.
Today, liberals posing as Christians, are twisting the scriptures on various spiritual fronts. Believe it or not, these wolves in sheep's clothing are using the Scriptures to even dare to claim that having an abortion is not murder but merely an infraction punishable by a fine (Exodus 21:22-25).

One more word to teachers of this false interpretation. If indeed you are saved, you will be held accountable for helping to forward this destructive infiltration of alcohol into God's Christian church body. A lie, if statistics are correct (8% of the world are drunkards), will be responsible for sending at least 600 million people to hell for self-destructive alcohol abuse alone. The Bible is clear, not one single drunkard (those who practice it as a lifestyle) will enter into the kingdom of heaven. Not one! And it always starts with one social drink.

to sir, with love

2010-08-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

After being involved with SHOUT! The Mod Musical, I started to enjoy some hits back in the sixties. The songs are good, some of them are still being sung today.

For example, Lulu, who was really famous back then with To Sir With Love, she is still fabulous today and even became special appearance in American Idol.

This is To Sir With Love, in the Glee musical series.

Good news is that since the Malaysian debut of this musical received good response by the audience, the production has decided to do a rerun. Just stay on with the updates soon!

Oh ya, and this is To Sir With Love, sung by Lulu recenty.

i am responsible of..

2010-08-16T18:45:00.001-07:00

First thing, I am responsible of having a pile of books on my desk that I haven’t finish reading. Okay, not a pile of books, but five books.

The Secret,
The Idiot’s Guide to Law of Attraction,
Fear & Greed – Understanding the Psychology of Investing,
I Love Stocks – Your Guide to Profitable Trading
The Art of Living –Vipassana Meditation.

Currently I am reading The Art of Living. Have to finish it quick.

Second, I am responsible of the stagnant progress of my body.
True, I have very low cholesterol & sugar level, and my body age is of an 18 year old-
But like one of the trainers said, (while holding a calculator),
“You’ve been to the gym since when? That’s 9 months! And there’s no improvement? Let’s see how much have you wasted on gym fees.” Ouch.

The BIGGER warning (or bigger PERSONAL warning) to my life is that an enemy from the past is starting to hit the gym already. Oh, God. An unwanted intruder. What if that creature bertungkus-lumus goes to the gym religiously, doing the right exercise and suddenly all his muscles plop up like buns fresh from the oven?

No, no, no. No.
I would be really insulted. Red alert. Red alert. I HAVE to build up. Right NOW.
And I have to finish that yucky protein shake. Gulp.

Third. I am responsible of the six pending huge tasks at the office.
Yeah, I have written them using a thick marker pen and green highlighter on a piece of paper, and pasted them on my cubicle wall. Staring at me.

Study for new server recommended for gas district plant.
Conversion of corporate data backup from obsolete to new tapes.
Proposal of new offsite backup system.
Update and check of AutoCad user license list.
CD software pile check to be written off.
Resigned staff list to be checked and cleared.

Being a staff towards the excellence of the IT team, I am responsible to clear all the jobs above.

Fourth. I am responsible of my dusty trumpet.
Sigh. Yeah.
I will call a few musicians today (when they are already wide awake) and get myself in the rehearsals again.

are we really that different?

2010-08-16T00:57:00.001-07:00

Good day, it’s a new week.

I have been productive today in the office. The mood is good, I was making myself busy and it felt good. Especially when the intention is to get things done, and to be part of the excellence in this IT team. It works! Not only that I stopped seeing people on their negative side, I see them through their potential as well. And today I was being assisted by these people, and that made me shy~.

I have done a lot of tasks today. It’s a few minutes til the end of the working hour.
I took some time for myself and posted this.

I’ve continued reading The Art of Living – Vipassana Meditation – S. N. Goenka, and how interesting this book is.

All religions teach the good way of life. I could see similarities between what has been taught in Buddhism as compared to Islam.

For example, this interview by the author with the respected guru, S. N. Goenka-

Question:

The way to implement right speech and right action for ordinary people in life is by practicing five precepts, and one of them is “To abstain from intoxicants”.

Does this mean totally abstain from intoxicants or to abstain from becoming intoxicated? After all, eg: drinking in moderation, without becoming drunk, doesn’t seem particularly harmful. Or are you saying that drinking even one glass of alcohol is breaking sila (moral practice)?

Answer:

By drinking even a small amount, in the long run you take first step toward addiction, which is certainly harmful to yourself and the others. Every addict starts by taking just one glass. Why take the first step toward suffering? Dhamma (the law of nature as taught by Buddha) cannot go together with the use of intoxicants. If you really wish to develop in Dhamma, you must stay free from all intoxicants. This is the experience of thousands of meditators.

This is a good book. I'll continue reading.. til the end.

office politics, enough already

2010-08-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

If you read one of my last posts, you see, I have had a little bit of challenge in the office.

It feels good to be the right person, and have the bosses to be on my side, and have it clear that the wrong person is wrong. And to be supported by these bosses as they award you worthy projects to work on.

Indeed.

But at the same time, I feel the ill-feeling.
There is no good continuing this drama and just because of it, I feel there is no joy, no fresh air in the office.

I can’t be like the person yesterday; making an icy cold face to the person that I don’t like.
I brought myself up that way in high school, and I have changed, and I shouldn’t go backwards, should I?

So I forgave myself, forgave anyone involved, and forgave the situation.

Today, my virtue is excellence in the IT department as a team.
I want people to see our team as the best division in the company.

Little dramas, chuck them away already.
After all, why use most of my life to destruct instead of construct?
To excel.

what is the purpose of writing?

2010-08-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

I am currently following a blog which is written by a cell inmate. Her stories in prison are interesting and something for me to think about life, and I have to admit that I finished reading her entire journal from the first to the last, in just one day. Looking forward for her next post soon. You can check it out, at the top of list of the sites I visit (at the side bar of this blog).

I am inspired on that- the ability to write something interesting, make people follow my posts from beginning til the end.

I do not wish to write in a manner which is too lengthy and too scientific, to the extent that my ramblings would sound like a thesis. Neither do I want to serve as a clown and post funny cranky jokes throughout my life. I just want to make it plain, and in the end of it, writing has to have a purpose.

Perhaps, I can align my writing with my life’s purpose-

To have myself and other souls believe that each of us can have joy and achieve success in our lives.

Yeah, I can start from there.

first day of the holy month

2010-08-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

First day of the fasting month.
I have been sick since a few days ago, it is quite a challenge for me to fast today. Just few more hours and I will be going back home from work. Ganbate, ganbate.

I’ve received and email forwarded by my aunt regarding on the sensationalized story of Apple constructing it’s store in New York. Basically the store, during construction, looked like a black cube that “resembled” the Holly Mecca, (but actually the black walls were to hide the transparent glass walls and will only revealed when it is launched). Ban Apple, they said. This is actually an old email, and I googled on what is the further response of the company itself, and also read on endless comments from people from various faith.

The Apple Store New York, internal glass architecture revealed.

The comments by the people, are interesting. Some are full of hatred, some are full of nonsense. Some are full of “you are wrong, you are wrong”, or “God will punish you”, or “my God is better than yours”.

I have this thought in my mind when I visited the Buddhist temples in Bangkok with a friend. Surrounded by colorful stupas, and beautiful golden Buddha statues inside their respective temples. I told my friend,

Okay, as we know, our faith is the real one, the true one.
But let’s say, if we were a small Thai boy, born here in the middle of Bangkok city, raised up to be a monk. Wouldn’t Buddhism is the real thing to us?

Really, if we are more interested in finding the true faith, the right path, will we be wasting time hating others, and proving that the others are wrong? (This statement points back to me, LOL).

I thought to myself, if only people of the Palestine/Israel conflict can COMPLETELY forget the past and start to SHARE and work things out, how would it be? Less likely that would happen, after all the prophecy says otherwise. If only there would be peace, after all that particular piece of land is a beautiful country, whatever country you name it to be.

some personal update

2010-07-29T03:02:00.000-07:00

Wow.

These few weeks I have been so busy, and I had to deal with a lot of breakdowns, challenges, and achieved a lot too.

I am at the office now after office hours, and had just sent the updates to be compiled into my IT department monthly report. A moment before that, I was busy doing the individual planning for four projects that I will lead in my department.

As for the conflicts? I was mistreated by one technician and gave him a cold shoulder. I do not mind being requested to do technician level work tasks, in fact I started my first few years as a technician too- but please respect me by how you communicate with me. I do not mind been seen as a person of a higher post but at least treat me like a human being.

Anyway, I was not alone, thank goodness for that. Other senior execs, managers and the big boss have observed and noticed the situation, and they are on my side. That is why I was being given four huge projects so that there is no excuse for me to dwell in technical level jobs anymore. And not to stick into this drama anymore.

As for my passion in photography and design, I had sleepless nights completing the souvenir book, program book, poster and flyer design before the show started. After the debut show ended, I had to spend days editing photos. But all this sacrifice is worthwhile- it gives me satisfaction to contribute in art. And I am happy when celebrities keep on saying that I make them look so pretty.

Indeed I have achieved a lot. However, some photographers still would criticize my work badly, and the ironic thing is that these are the same photographers whose work needs a lot of improvement. They have huge expensive lens, and at least they bring two bulky DSLRs, (so much with the quote “it’s not the camera, it’s the eye of the person behind the camera), and their gadget cost can total up to 20 grand. But strangely, my humble camera with its small set of lens could produce better, brighter photos, which still wouldn’t escape from their destructive comments.

Picture taken by a photographer who has TWO cameras, and huge expensive lens.
If you look at the real size, it's actually blotchy like a painting.

Picture taken by me. Not the best but I just want to compare. And oh, this is the exact lighting color in the hall.

As for the material world, I searched high and low for the best Sony Erricson for me. Sadly, there is no perfect phone; bundled with perfect audio, excellent calendar/organizer, good battery power, intuitive internet browsing and clear reception.

I am destined to stick with my iPhone for a while. However to compensate with that, I got myself an mp3 player – Sony Walkman S745. For RM600, it’s the best. Noise cancelling, Clear Bass technology, and surround system. Audio quality is breathtaking, like a real hi-fi system in your ears. Apple’s iPod is nowhere near. Reviewing it here is just not enough.

Go to Sony Wings and experience it yourself.

Oh, it’s time for me to go and hit the gym. Till then!

celebrities and VIPs

2010-07-27T23:45:00.001-07:00

SHOUT! The Mod Musical was reviewed by the media as
one of the best in the nation.

It is a pleasant night to have the royalties, celebrities and important people
who came to support and watch this spectacular performance, of a 100% Malaysian cast.

SHOUT! stage photos

2010-07-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

The script, story and concept is from New York.
The cast is 100% Malaysian, refined to be fit for international performance.

This musical theatre brings us back to the sixties.
And when we talk about sixties, no, the songs are not boring.
They are really good, you will tap your foot at least.

Performance is totally live, strong vocals center stage, and musicians side of stage.

Come on guys, you don't want to miss this first class show.
Only a few days left. Then they will be off to tour to the neighboring countries.

a peek of SHOUT! the mod musical

2010-07-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

a short jot on the premier

2010-07-15T15:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday's night was the premier of SHOUT! The Mod Musical.
It was cute, simple, sweet, funny, has amazing singers
with perfect vocals and good acting in it.

The audience laughed, cheered, whistled, swaying their body,
and gave a standing ovation in the end.

I was entertained too.
Gotta run.

it's tomorrow!

2010-07-14T02:35:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow would be the first show of SHOUT! The Mod Musical.
I am anticipating the excitement of the full dress rehearsal during the day.
There are still available seats left, visit KL Pac and get your tickets, fill up the hall,
And join the fun!

updates

2010-07-11T08:40:00.001-07:00

It has been a while.

I am busy spending all nights finishing off editing photos and creating the program and picture book for SHOUT! The Mod Musical. Tonight the artwork is finally going to be emailed to the printer.

Excuse my dramatic personal review on the iPhone. Actually it is not that bad a phone, however it’s not the best phone either. Design wise is good, and if you’re really into applications, you can try it out. Not for those who are music lovers like me. Sony is much better when it comes to personal audio entertainment. Even iPod can’t compete that. Sigh, I guess I will have to be patient and stay with this iPhone for a while until I can get a decent Sony phone soon.

So what’s new with my life? Basically I am pushing all the commitments to the publishing of the SHOUT! picture and program book, since the due date is today. I only managed to hit the gym for two days, and as an impact of frantically doing my work out, my left wrist is a bit injured.

I’ll take this first experience as a graphic designer & photographer to strategize, schedule and prepare my next publishing even better next time.

Before my writing becomes lengthy and boring, I just want to end this entry by inviting you guys to watch SHOUT! The Mod Musical. It’s definitely going to be a good show.

i got an iPhone. yeay! NOT.

2010-07-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

Recently my Nokia N97’s display was spoilt. At first I went to the shop to have it repaired, but I changed my mind and picked up an iPhone 3G instead. After all, someone gave me a smirk when he held my Nokia, and said, “Other people tried to imitate, but iPhone is always better.”

So let me share my experience with the phone deemed as to be the best in the century.

Messaging is good, you can see a chain of replies between yours and a particular person, so that you can check the past SMS of what you guys discussed about. However this is quite “yesterday”. Other phones are starting to have this feature as well.

But wait. The iPhone will try to be clever and it will suggest you some other words you don't need as you type. This is the worst feature of all which will always make me go nuts. I always ended up sending SMS like "Talk to you later ANITA" to a guy, or "Tugasan ini amat SUKARNO", etc. People often think I am stupid whenever they get my wrongly typed SMS, thanks to the iPhone.

I tried all ways to disable this not-so-intelligent auto SMS system, but failed. And please, no, DO NOT suggest me to install-that-application-to-fix-this. Other phones don't need to, because they don't have such problem in the first place.

Call reception is clear and good. Nothing much to say about this.

The camera is a lame 2 megapixels. It could produce nice photos outdoors, (only nice by viewing on the phone) but there is no settings for macro or night mode shots. The camera is just a toy in this iPhone.

The display for browsing internet is, I have to admit, superb. I can slide Safari explorer easily from top to bottom, and expand the view with another slide. Internet is so smooth whenever I get connected through a wi-fi point nearby.

The frustrating problem that I have to face is whenever I want to use my 3G line. Speed will go down miserably to a point where I have to click on the send button several times whenever I want to have a facebook comment submitted to the site. If I am using 3G, there is no hope for me to use chat applications, and I can never use the internal iPhone settings for checking email.

This is really a major problem as it is difficult to find wi-fi access points except at home, where I normally use my laptop instead. Uselessness. Or maybe I am just not lucky when it comes to 3G. To add to that, you need to waste even more money for an iPhone 4 to have 3G video call!

The iPhone music player has generally good audio, ONLY when I use Sony EX Monitor earplugs. Or at least get those Phillips or Sonic Gear ear plugs.

I never buy the proprietary iPhone earphones, they are expensive and no good.

As for the handling of the playback, I face inconvenience especially when I put the iPhone in my pocket all the time. It is impossible to stop, play, rewind, change track. And if I want to press that tiny volume button, I would be like, eugh~ eugh~ eugh~ eugh~ I give up.

And how about the no-other-way-but-iTunes for mp3 file transfer?
It takes me one whole night and the next morning to get my already existing files in folders into the iTunes playlist, and then I have to sync them to the phone. I MISS DRAG AND DROP ALREADY. There is no way for you to use the iPhone like an external drive, nor that you can directly delete any track inside the phone. EXTREMELY LAMELY inconvenient.

Wanna create a new mp3 playlist on the phone? NEVER. Use your laptop, connect it to iTunes please. OMG how inconvenient is that?

I like to customize the display and ringtone of my phones like I always do with my previous Sony and Nokia. I wanted to do the same thing to my iPhone since it has a boring black background behind the icons. But could I? NO.

As for changing to my own mp3 for the ringtone, the step is simple-
Place the mp3 inside your laptop into the iTunes.
Convert it to another file type.
Rename it to another file type.
Select the ringtone playlist (yeah, they have playlist for ringtones).
Sync it to your iPhone.

WHAT NONSENSE IS THAT?
I just drag and drop an mp3 track into my Sony/Nokia and select it as ringtone.

To conclude my experience with the iPhone,

Advantage: Nice physical design and appearance, very costly and you can show it off to the world, that’s why they have arm strap for this pretty phone.

Disadvantage: Almost everything.

I'll take sometime to show off this iPhone to the world, and then I’ll grab one Sony Vivas when I'm done.

I couldn’t care less for an iPhone 4, 5, 6, or even 1,000,000th. Overrated.

"People always imitate iPhone, and they can produce better phones."

back to the sixties

2010-07-02T22:07:00.001-07:00

Strong cast,
Good music,
Colorful costumes,
Cute hairdo,
Entertaining coreography.

Don't miss this show.

Visit the official website to check for show dates and times.
You can get the tickets at the KL Pac Box Office, or call them directly.

randomness

2010-06-30T01:43:00.000-07:00

this is the story of rachel corrie

2010-06-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

A very different kind of American liberator was tragically killed, days before the Iraq war began.

Rachel Corrie, a 23-year-old student from the state of Washington, was murdered by an Israeli bulldozer driver in Gaza. She was part of a courageous group of activists who have come to Palestine from all over the world to provide non-violent assistance to the Palestinian people.

During the past few years, these peace activists have: placed themselves between Israeli tanks and Palestinian demonstrators; worked to stop Israeli bulldozers from destroying Palestinian homes; and provided eye-witness testimony to Israeli behavior at checkpoints and other human rights violations.

Without any official support and often times ignored even by the international media, this band of civilian liberators has bravely risked their lives to support the Palestinian people's struggle for freedom.

Rachel, who had taken six months off from her college work to go to Gaza, became the first of these international peace activists to be the victim of what appears to be a cold-blooded murder. The Israeli bulldozers had arrived in Rafah to demolish the home of the Samir family. After a two-hour argument and standoff between Rachel and the vehicle's driver, Rachel sat down refusing to allow the bulldozer to move on the house. The driver drove right over Rachel and then reversed and drove over her again. Her body was crushed and though rescued by her colleagues-she died from massive injuries a short while later.

The story of Rachel spread like a wildfire throughout the United States. Newspapers featured the story and websites of dozens of organizations showed pictures of this young woman's courageous standoff with the machine that ended her life.

Many of these websites have carried Rachel's extensive writings about her experiences in Gaza and her growing understanding of the Palestinian situation.

She was an extraordinarily, perceptive young woman and gifted writer.

-Dr James J Zogby

for those in despair, read the lyrics of this song

2010-06-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

models

2010-06-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

Shots taken by me at a model photoshoot event.

need some help

2010-06-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

My brother had just got involved in an accident.
Thank God he is alright.

However, he needs to sell off his phone to fund the repair of his
quite badly damaged car.

Details:

Nokia Silver E72.
Complete set in box with receipt.
Under AP, 15 months warranty.
Bought in March 2010, RM1200
Condition 99% like new.

NOW SELLING AT RM850 ONLY.

So if you know anybody who is interested to get a good second hand Silver E72,
please send email to my brother at ali_8@yahoo.com

Thanks!

boys and their toys

2010-06-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

Remember my street photography long ago?
I've also got to take these few shots.

Modern white horses.

The tough one..

..and the youthful one.

A Hasselblad camera. You can either get this one, or a car.

A kid with a camera.

A new friend, who sold his previous lens to me.
His gadget now is almost five times more expensive than mine.

One photographer, whom I thought was a model. Enjoy-

And this is me, with my camera :)

SHOUT! cast on ntv7 breakfast show

2010-06-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

Ning Baizura, Tisha Zarina and Tria Aziz, as the casts of SHOUT! The Mod Musical, were invited to be on air on NTV7 Breakfast Show recently, at June 9th.

Casey Koh as the producer and director of Broadway Academy also attended the interview.

Click on the picture below to go directly to the interview video.

more photos coming soon

2010-06-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

Good events happened recently, however I need some time to edit and rearrange the photos before publishing them.

As for my previous post below, I am back to normal mode now.
Once a while I delete the negative posts to maintain good karma,
but I'll consider that later. Let it stay for a while to remind myself
that I am also human; with upsets & drama as well.

Til then, more photos to show soon!

decided

2010-06-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

I am angry, upset and tired, and this is a post for me to let it out.

In this world, I believe,
There are people that we can jive with, live with, be close with, get along with and co-operate with.
There are also people that were not meant to be with us, not aligned to our lifestyle, have the tendency to do bad things to us.

My point here is, I am done approaching this same group of particular people
who always incline to jeopardize my life,
reputation, happiness and peace at a significant scale.

Allow me to protect myself and avoid wasting my time
just to repair further possible damage.
Allow me to grow in peace.
Allow me to call it off to the traitors of my own life.
I don’t contribute to them, neither do I make their life miserable, and the same goes in return.

God gave me brains to think for my own life.
This is my decision today and I am firm with it.
At the moment, I am not going to repeat the painful history again and again.

Remember that one says "Choose your friends wisely."
That is also been taught in the Islamic faith.

lebuh ampang

2010-06-03T01:01:00.001-07:00

Lebuh Ampang (Ampang Street) is a lane with very old shophouses still standing,
and the residents and workers are mostly Indian Malaysians.

These people don't mind having their photos being taken, and some were even pleased to be noticed.

Let's take a look on what happens on a regular Sunday morning on Lebuh Ampang.

the final brochure/flyer - book your tickets soon!

2010-05-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Visit http://broadwayacademy.asia/ for further info!

wow. quiet

2010-05-26T06:12:00.001-07:00

I've noticed that one by one, the blogs that I used to read are either closed down
or just went stagnant, or the authors decided to keep them private.

What a quiet world it has become.

Oh, well.

SHOUT! the mod musical

2010-05-23T22:02:00.001-07:00

just sharing

2010-05-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie, of all times.

some updates of end may 2010

2010-05-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

It’s two in the morning and I had just came back home. Today is Saturday morning, the only people that I can imagine still wide awake are those who are jumping and making moves on the dance floor, either at the back lane of Bukit Bintang or at Jalan Sultan Ismail where all the clubs are.(Yeah, I think I want to hit the club one weekend. Soon.)

Anyway, let's talk about updates on MY life.
If somebody asked me to describe my life in three adjectives, I would say ‘very independent’, ‘busy’ and ‘in demand’.

I am very independent now after allowing myself and a few people a distance in time, location and communication. True, it was a lonely experience at first. But after thinking it through, it won’t give any benefit if I try to be in contact when actually I am not wanted. There are many methods that we can choose to end conflicts, and one of them is by leading separate lives. By that there is a clear end of unhealthy competition, arguments and judgments. No more. And both separate worlds can nurture and grow even faster than before.

About me being busy and 'in demand', I meant that I am consistently being given multiple tasks for my role as an IT executive and trumpet player.

My contract as an IT executive has been renewed, and I am proud to say that I am an important person for printing distribution and management of the whole firm and I am in charge of the data backup for the whole organization. I thrive for excellence in giving IT support for all computer related issues, of course in facing nonsense I am stern; however, I do have a listening ear and empathy for the staff as my client. I’ve learn to forgive that the staff are (only) experts in their line, however they need the IT specialists like us to advice, educate and assist them in dealing with their computers, IT network, data and printers.

As I learn to stop resisting the reality of life with its good and bad news, I’ve started to receive a series of opportunities to perform, or coach, or attend music performances. Sometimes performances were too many, I could select either to give up or accept the offer to perform on certain shows. Thinking of it, it reminded me of the possibility that I created a year ago- that is to have at least one performance per month.

As a person who has that keen on photography, I’ve upgraded a lot and I am so happy to own my very first DSLR with its kit lens as well as a multipurpose zoom lens. I also had the honor to be the official photographer and graphic designer for my dear friend who has kick-started his international musical theater academy.

My financial control has started to improve, I still did some purchasing of the fine things in life; however, I am still left to be able afford the necessities. It feels so much better now compared to my life few years back.

But above all, apart knowing that I was the one who declared and created my future, eventually all of these were granted by God. This journey called life, when I take a deeper look into it; indeed it is so true what they say as God has better plans for all of us. All I should do is just have faith, pray, and do my best.

youth.

2010-05-20T02:05:00.001-07:00

goodbye sony-hx1, here is my new toy!

2010-05-15T05:06:00.001-07:00

Hahahaha yeah, it's a Saturday full of youtubes..

alex chu (korean)

2010-05-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

A song for you this evening.

aishah - now and then

2010-05-15T03:18:00.000-07:00

Would be interesting if she could record one nice English album, international hits from the past included.

late night after work

2010-05-14T19:05:00.001-07:00

a trip to pulau pinang

2010-05-11T02:30:00.000-07:00

Alas!
After a few failed attempts and denied wishes to go for a holiday in Penang, my wish came true.

It was almost an impromptu decision, but visiting Penang was one of the best trip I had.
I am fortunate to have a good friend waiting for me over there, and how generous was him going through all the trouble to drive me around the island.

So it started on one Friday night, thanks to my housemate who offered me a ride directly to the bus station, I jumped down the car and immediately jumped onto a bus which is actually leaving right on time. I didn't have to wait, lucky me!

There is one thing that I must complain about this nice island.
I haven’t got enough of it.
However, I’ve managed to fulfill my aim to visit four interesting spots;
Kek Lok Si Temple, Gurney Drive, Toy Museum and Feringghi Beach.

And here are the photos of the nice trip in Penang!

First is Kek Lok Si Temple.

Cathedral-like halls

One of the passage ways.

Biggest in Asia, as I've been told.

The breath taking gardens.

And then, Feringghi beach!

Para-gliding. This couple really enjoyed themselves. Hm, hm.

See? Now they are riding the horse. Hm, hm.

Red bikes.

And then, jalan-jalan in the city!

The new the Cove by the beach.

Translated: Gurney Drive!

View of the city near Bayan Lepas, on Saturday morning.
I was rolling on a queen size bed with thick duvet cover this time.

And then, we went to Toy Museum!

Darth Vader.

Beyonce Barbie!

I dream of Genie.

Boy it was fun.

Next visit list would be the reclining Buddha at the Wat Chayamangklaram Temple, the Burmese Temple opposite of it, the night market at Feringghi beach, Cheong Fatt Tze Mansion and the War Museum at Batu Maung.

the excitement

2010-05-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

The new official website for Broadway Academy is up!

The team of the organization including the cast, producers, technical and administration side is anticipating for their debut musical which is going to be a huge hit in town.

For more information on the play itself, including the dates and the photo gallery,
do directly visit the official website.

activities, activities (orchestral)

2010-05-08T19:01:00.000-07:00

Either I performed, tutored, or simply attended and enjoyed the event.
I am blessed because opportunities are always out there waiting for me.

shots of three cities

2010-05-07T18:28:00.001-07:00

Night pictures of Putrajaya, Petaling Jaya, and Kuala Lumpur.

too cute - i'm yours

2010-05-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

Woa. This kid is talented AND cute.

they flourished indeed!

2010-05-04T02:36:00.000-07:00

To fill up my empty Saturday, as well as out of curiosity, I have decided to bike all the way to watch the annual concert of Sekolah Seri Puteri Wind Orchestra: Flourishes, in the afternoon.

I was a bit late, and I entered the grand hall when they played First Suite by Gustav Holst. The hall’s acoustic was perfect, they didn’t need any aid from the sound system.

Nothing much to complain about, except that the orchestra really needs a good designer to do their uniform next time. This point is also agreed by most of my friends. Bump into them and you almost thought that they were hotel laundry girls. “Room service!”

As I let myself settled down, I enjoyed myself listening to the orchestra performing Oblivion, accompanying a rising trombone star, Mr Mustaqim.

For old sake time, they played the song Permaidani, a simple arrangement for today’s standard, accompanied by the choir. It’s a bit shame that the choir used their low range instead, almost mimicking the voice of a man, rather than using their natural voice, because that would have sounded sweet.

I have a feeling that the team was reserving their energy during the first half, because the orchestra suddenly boost up during the second set after the break.

They played Armenian dance well, which was rumored as the piece that they will perform for this year’s orchestra competition.

However, they showed off their real strength by playing an abstract piece named Vesuvius, and to add to the impact, abstract dancers performing poses and moved from the stage center to the side, down to the stairs, up to the audience and back to the stage in front of the orchestra. The orchestra ended abruptly, and all dancers dropped down to the floor. Cleverly done, and they got a big applause and cheer by the audience.

To lighten up the mood, Rasa Sayang was played in the end, with some gimmick movements and shouts by the players here and there. Colorful spotlights of different patterns gave more to the cheerful mood.

Overall, this concert was successful. I believe that all who came left the concert with a joyful happy feeling.

Congratulations to the girls, the conductor and the school management, well done.

Better uniform next time! LOL

enjoying still images

2010-05-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sony World Photography 2009 was the first photo exhibition that I attended to this year.

Below is a photo of mass production of Italian statues in China.
One says imitation is the highest form of flattery.

The best and most creative photos were a set of shots dedicated for a campaign on eating a healthy diet. Pictures of people eating a slice of pizza, or a bar of chocolate, with their own shadow with the exact pose, only that the shadow of the pizza or chocolate bar is replaced with the shadow of a gun or a knife. A symbolic way of saying that eating bad food will only shorten your life. Not only that these photos are creative, the tone and color of each shot looked as if they it is like a very good painting.

One photo that caught my interest is a simple, real shot taken in Israel, of kids sitting together in a room, rich with colors of the wall and one stained glass in the middle (where one of them kids managed to climb on and sit by the window pane) and also unique texture of woven cushion covers and quilt.

Another one was a picture of a guy who had AIDS.

There was a photo of a few kids in Afghanistan, sitting behind a truck. Their unique faces have the oriental, middle eastern, and even caucassian look, although they are of the same ethnicity.

The second exhibition that I attended was by Steve Mc Curry, whose famous photo was the Afghan girl, displayed as the cover of an edition of National Geographic magazine.

I am amazed with how he manipulated with light and shadows, as well as the choice of colors.
Such a great photographer.

Photos which were clear in my memory were the series of the Afghan girls, one shot of a cute photoshop at the side of the road, and the daily life of people walking near the famous Taj Mahal.

It was a really nice experience visiting art galleries like this. It feeds my thoughts with such entertainment, a feeling of calm, or the amazement of the beauty of a picture, or even the feeling of being disturbed by a shocking image of war and suffering.

I look forward for future exhibitions some day.

short notice

2010-05-03T08:48:00.001-07:00

My days are passing very fast.
I owe myself a few reviews to be written and posted-
on the two exhibitions, one holiday experience, and also an orchestra concert.

Will post them soon.

it only hurts when i'm breathing

2010-05-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hope life's been good to you
Since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

It only hurts when I breathe

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

i am publishing all the drafted posts now.

2010-04-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

I am reaching a month of being single.
(Long pause. Thinking of what’s a good writing for me and for others to read.)

My previous postings were not giving any good example to you as the audience.
Except that they were a true update of what I holler from within.

Sadness, guilt, anger, blame, these feelings are part of us being human.
Your judgment to what you are reading now; be it positive or negative, being bored by it or enjoying it while eating popcorn, is a part of being human.

A friend commented that I didn’t sound or look sad enough, after the end of a relationship that lasted for three years. Hm.

I guess I am coping with it rather well.
Being down is tiring. Instead of exhausting myself giving fuel to the negative energy,
I brush it off aside and stop being drifted away by it. I focus to being present, being aware of what I am doing at the current moment.

I know that having a relationship ended has a ship full of disadvantages attached to it.
I also know that having a relationship ended is an open door.

The question I should ask myself is, why is it meant to end?
Really.

God and the universe created by Him have a plan for me.
And I have to admit, for a lot of personal reasons; this IS the best path of me.
Apart of the pain (no pain no gain!), I can now STOP resisting it.

Pain comes now, a good future lies ahead.
After all, I am still alive with all the advantages that I have.
I am getting rid of my pacifier now.
I should lighten up already.

There is no short cut to get over this

2010-04-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

I still miss the nonsense
Inside the phone conversation
With you
That we had every single day.

There is no way that I will forget
But
At each moment I thought about the past
I can still choose and embrace the moment now.

We had each other
We grew and supported each other
And when it's time that
We started to limit each other
We need to let free and grow.

THIS is the moment which is the best
for both of us now.

April 27th, 2010

if you fall in love again

2010-04-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

jika kau bercinta lagi
cintalah sepenuhnya
jika kau bercinta lagi
jagalah kau hatinya

engkau yang memilihnya
tanpa memikirkan tentang diriku
kini ku hanya dapat berdoa
agar berbahagia kau disampingnya

jika kau bercinta lagi
cintalah sepenuhnya
jika kau bercinta lagi
jagalah kau hatinya

aku tak dapat menghalang
engkau punya kemahuan sendiri
biarku hidup hanya mengenang
peristiwa yang tak dapat ku lupa

kini aku hanya dapat berdoa
agar berbahagia kau disampingnya
selamat tinggal
aku mengundurkan diri

all i ever wanted is a simple way to get over you

2010-04-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

You said you can’t trust me anymore.
You said that I am pretending that I am good but I am not a good person.
You said that you have the picture of a perfect relationship with a person and together will go down the road for years to come, but the person in the picture is not me.
You said you pity seeing me so pathetic and you said I needed to grow up.

Then you said you wanted out.

last time you were Z. now you are X.

2010-04-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

April 13th, 2010. 740am.

A rebound is an undefined period following the break up of a romantic relationship. The term's colloquial use in the United States can be dated to at least the early 1980s[1]

Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed.

Dear X.

Now I am experiencing the term “rebound”.
I know that this past relationship will never ever work even if we reconcile at any time, unless if there is a strange miracle happening here.
But regardless of that, by knowing and aware of the reality doesn’t mean that I could grasp it firmly, without being waivered by these silly emotions.

I can’t share with you how excited I was to see my favorite professional photographer doing his job at a very expensive wedding. And on the same day, I had a successful photo shoot assignment with my very first model, and she did well!

I can’t share with you my frustration on this secretary who scolded me via email, (she even cc it to my direct superior and my colleague) after I asked her help to print screen the list of printers that she has got on her PC. She said that it’s YOUR JOB. So I replied back to her that I am sorry if a small favor that I requested from her has troubled her so much, therefore from that day on forth I promise I wouldn’t ask any assistance from her at all. So much of a girl who is in her own container and cannot co-operate to make the job done fast.

And I can't share with you my woes on the fraud mobile phone registration by the person who stole my ID card, and a lawyer's letter arrived at my place saying that I owe the company about one grand and a half.

I can’t share with you how I couldn’t wait for my next pay check, summed with my savings, and I will be owning my very own intermediate Digital Single Lens Reflex!

I guess my sorrow is just a way for me to run away from being responsible with my life. I depend too much on people.

Should stand up, fight, earn and achieve more.
Easier said than done.
I wish I could just go back screw myself and sleep.