There was one time I was having a breakfast with my colleague this morning. I was waiting for her at the bank when she drew money from the bank.
There was a pretty man made pond at the entrance. A small waterfall was there, such a pretty side. There were a lot of huge but cute carp fishes, all golden, red and silvery white. But there was this one and only gray koi fish, amongst the other shiny fishes.
I watched the gray fish swimming gracefully along with the rest. No matter how different it is from the rest, it has its own uniqueness and beauty, and those other fishes are around swimming in random directions, all in one.
Perhaps that is the beauty. Perhaps the oddness and the strangeness of one single member of the community that complete the rest.
The fish was born to be gray. It doesn’t deserve to try to be gold or silver, no matter what people think. It’s just they way it is.
I remembered when I was small. I discovered myself when I liked to be with my elder male cousin. And then in primary I learnt to have ‘close friends’ and tend to get jealous when I saw that they were even communicating with other people. It was like a feeling that made me want to protect them from being close to anyone else.
They say that the boarding school is a major influence in shaping what I am. True, to certain extent. I became more music literate; I got to know very special friends that I still keep in touch even when they have their own family. I even got a little intimidated by guys because of the isolation and pressure that I get in school (partly because of my own fault too). It shaped up my self survival, but had already tarnished by social skills towards trying to communicate with people.
BUT. The boarding school is not the factor that shaped me the uniqueness that I am. I was born with it. Actually the boarding school was the force which tried to change what I am, to what the society wanted me to be, but too bad, I am what I am.
I was pressured in school by the seniors since I was different, and because of that I wrote a letter in second year in school to mom. Soon after she read the letter, she came to the school to meet me.
I met her at the school office and she was in tears. I actually can’t really express what I felt at that time. The best way to describe it was: no feeling at all. Should I be ashamed? Should I be sad? Should I be angry of myself? Should I feel at fault?
Mom bought me to various kinds of resolutions which are not really resolutions at all. She called an ustaz that mocked me.
“Oh, ingatkan perempuan tadi, suara macam perempuan.”
Like, what the? I DID NOT MAKE A FEMININE VOICE. It was just a lame joke just trying to cheer me up at the wrong time and technique.
And he was going on with his lectures of everything that as if I did know.
After that mom brought me to an old mosque. There was this old guy who is said having his magic of curing people. I was given something like a bottle of “holy water” and I was advised to drink it regularly. And you guys know, I hate drinking plain water. But I obediently did.
The water did not help. The funny thing was, I left the bottle in the class and the next thing was; I came and saw it empty.
And people wondered why suddenly got other people screwing up inside the school. Probably they drank the wrong water!
At the same time, I also tried to get involved in this effort. I kept a file with lots paper cutting of pretty girls, from red lipped girls in the make up advert, and Nicole Kidman from Batman Forever. Yeah, she was like, wow. So pretty and dazzling.
At the end the whole file was lost. I supposed other people are keen to steal and keep those pictures for their collection. I was not disappointed though. Oh, I still remembered that the forty cent paper file was red in color.
Anyway. I have decided firmly on my life. This is what I am no matter what people say. They might say it’s like I am against people trying to “help me turning back” but the thing is, how can I possibly “turn back” when there is NO “back” at the first place? I was not once the person that people wanted me to be since I was small. So I am just what I am. There is no “back” or “forward”. It’s just the same ol’ me like it has always is.
So here it is, the gray koi along with the rest. Love it dearly, because it completes the whole pond.