fireworks up your ass.

Once I decided to change reprogram myself to live the life of a successful man. My actions, my thinking, my approach, should reflect that. It includes discipline, persistent, integrity (doing what I say), good time management, objective, staying empowered, managing my stress, focusing on productivity & positivity, and stop involving in conversations which are cynical and pessimistic. All the bombastic words you name it.

When this is declared, the universe is not going to give me flowers and sweets.
The universe is going to give my fireworks. Fireworks that burn my ass as I walk this path.
Really? I wanna be resourceful? I wanna try leadership? I wanna be unwaivered?
Let us test you. If you are going to trip and fall, will you still be a stand of the call that you make?
Or are you just acah-acah je?

So now challenges come from every nook and corner.
It feels like I received failures more often on my IT desk.
It feels like I received upsets more often in my relationship.
It feels like I received fearsome prospects more often in my business.

Let’s just change those words into challenges, and challenges are actually opportunities.
It feels like I received opportunities more often on my IT desk.
It feels like I received opportunities more often in my relationship.
It feels like I received bigger opportunities through bigger prospects in my business.

This is not some bull. True that failures are challenges, and challenges are opportunities.
Think average and things which suck stay suck. Think big and things which suck give you potential of many things; growth, making a difference, turning the world around..

So  yeah I am commited in making a difference.
Life is like a set of small assignments. I take it on one by one right now with no expectation. If in the end it did not work, I have the freedom to declare another game.

not deciding anything. i just wanna color my anti stress coloring book.

being present: notice, breath, use senses, be with it.

Here is something that I got while wandering through the net.

Mindfullness - Being present, a type of meditation.

Too busy to meditate? Here is what you can do:

5 tips to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine:

1. Notice, don’t think.
Pretend you are a traveler or student encountering this activity for the very first time. Don’t judge, label, and think about what you’re doing. Just notice. Notice every detail with an open, beginner’s mind.

2. When in doubt, check your breathing.
If you feel your thoughts wandering from the present task, take a minute to hear and feel yourself breathe. Just paying attention to a few breaths will bring you back to the present moment.

3. You have 5 senses, use them.
Mindfulness means truly experiencing what is going on right now. This is more than just noticing what something looks like. What does it smell like? Feel it with your hands. What is the texture? Temperature? What do you hear?

4. Have a strategy to handle nagging thoughts.
Occasionally we all have thoughts that won’t go away—so you need a strategy for how to handle them. I like to have a notebook with me at all times to write any nagging to-dos, ideas or issues. If you write them down, your mind can relax because it knows you can go back to them later
5. It is what it is.
You don’t need to analyze your mindfulness experience. Don’t worry about what it all means or if you’re being mindful enough. Just try to be mindful every day. Come more fully into the present moment. Let the experience be what it is.
While this might not fit the ideal of a perfect, solitary meditation practice, it works for me. It works because it gets me to the right place—the present moment.
Every week when I make bread, I re-discover that by mixing, kneading and baking, I am able to come more fully into the present moment and really connect with life.  And isn’t that the purpose of a meditation practice in the first place?

In between meditation songs and meditative coloring books

So I have picked up new things to keep myself amused. Or in peace. I have downloaded one solfeggio 528Hz which is claimed to heal the heart and open it up to love.

Yesterday was a Sunday and after that painful argument with him, I stayed at home, replaying the solfeggio over and over. I dozed off, woke up, sometimes sobbing so hard, Milo snuggled next to me. Strange. It seems like cats could detect that you are in this sorrow, unexplainable, especially when you are considered as the bad person and losing part of this fight.

So tonight I got myself a few de stress coloring pages. Truly it challenges you to focus, relax, and ready for a good sleep.

So good night world. I am not ready yet to talk to you. But surely I am ready to sleep.

chantique was buried today

It is funny that this is the place that I would type my thoughts, when I feel that other trending social media and messengers are too noisy for me. Although this is gonna be published, it still feels private here.

I have to say thanks to him for answering the call, and accepting to follow me finding a nice spot to bury Chantique today. Chantique was his favorite, always been given attention by him. He cried when Chantique nearly died the first time, but this time he decided to hide his tears.

As for me and him? My heart says wishfully that, no, everything will be alright again in the end. But perhaps I am not the right partner for him.

He has sacrificed a lot, and has devoted himself so much in my life. But I have not fulfilled his requirements.

Am I willing to admit that I am not suitable for a relationship? Can that make me complete? It does feel lonely when there is no one there for you waiting in your life. On the other hand it takes too much to be in a relationship.

What do I feel now?
I feel that I should just be with myself now.

i wish we never have met

By then, I won't have to take the action of approaching you.

By then, I won't have the hopes for you.

By then, I won't have to feel this heart ache everytime you are around with your friends who are also mine.

But I do have a choice to have peace with you. There is only one way.

To never ever see your face again.
If you can't be mine, then it is fair that
you get the hell out of my life.

on appreciation

There are times that you feel as if you have ttried your best but seems that no results happened.

And because of that you become the less favored person in the team. Which is a logical thing to happen.

Maybe i am just being dramatic.

I will have to let it go.
And my effort is not to impress people.
I will still do my best and
if there is no results, let it be!

I still experience growth.

2015 kick start

Trapped in this jam from home to office.
Pondering that most of my screw ups are because of me failing to prepare things ahead.

Simple things. Like ironing a few shirts every night to clear up the laundry heap.
So that i won't be in a rush to iron one shirt to wear the next day for work.

Mentioning that.
Today I will have a quick makeup tutorial with a new friend. He was trained by trainers from Paris. I might be inviting him to join with our team to expand our makeup and skincare prestige brand.
For the session tonight, I am gonna be attentive focused and having fun!

its just in my head

Just a few things that I saw on facebook can totally screw up my state of mind.

Few cute guys refused to reply my hi s.

An old schoolmate beaming because he is buying another property.

A female acquaintance writing happilly about another cute guy without mentioning me.

It is amazing that only a few reads and the negative cynical pessimist side of the mind starting to process and make conclusions about "how bad life can be".

It is 3.15 am now and I will now not going to waste and should be in bed.

Nite. Tomorrow, all these is but a nonsense and it will be a great day for everyone. You and me included.