I stood there in the small IT switch room, holding my trumpet, heaving a huge sigh. There I was, inside a confined space which could also be categorized as a store room. I decided to practice my trumpet there, since I couldn’t stand travelling so far to the National Theatre every day during the rainy season, just to find a place for me to practice.
I felt like a peasant, sad to think how low I have to bend myself just to practice for my grade five. Once a while, the guards would come by, curious and suspicious.
The word determination could easily be replaced with the word desperation.
Inside my upset, I still practiced and I did get to improve myself during that one hour after office practice.
Things currently are not easy to me. I hesitated to post my sad story in my own blog, but then again, this is my zone to write and express, so maybe this time I am doing it.
The other day I said many thanks to our IT consultant for giving me a treat of Secret Recipe, for I haven’t tried fine food for two months so far. I explained to him, money goes out as soon as it comes into the bank account.
A few hundred goes to the gym, a few hundred goes to my bike installment, fifty bucks go to maintenance, another few hundred goes to the phone bill, electricity, water and broadband. Two hundred would go to my study loan repayment, and another few hundred would go to my trumpet lessons.
My consultant told me- all of the above can make me afford to pay for a car! He was wondering why should I put too much priority in chasing my dreams? Dreams, he said, should be put aside so that I can live.
That night, dear dear Z arrived late for dinner and I was starving, and my mood also went down. I became lifeless.
I kept quiet for a few hours, and then I said what I feel.
I am not happy.
After my life being transformed, and I’ve got a good job, a dream and plan for my trumpet playing, and all the things that I’ve got, I am not happy.
I’ve reached to another level of my life, but I am not happy.
I’ve lost my friends, I became someone else.
If only I could just be like last time, even though I was a jobless graduate with bad results, I was happy.
I am so longing to be in that comfort zone, not going anywhere, but I was happy.
After all, why should I reach for my dreams? Dreams can be put aside. They are not important. I want my past life back.
The kindest thing that dear dear Z did was to let me in that space of frustration and hopelessness.
In the layman’s term, I just want to be sad with all the shit in front of me, not to spray perfume on it because it’s still shit, neither do I want to remove that shit away from me.
I just wanted to feel upset about all that shit, without doing anything about it.
Tomorrow, just be yourself, dear dear Z said. You don’t have to do anything to fix it.
So next day came.
That evening, I went for the next lesson with my trumpet tutor. Nothing came out from my trumpet sound good. I was trembling, even before my tutor said anything. It felt as if all my hard practice went off to waste.
It is so hard to teach you nowadays. Last time, you absorbed everything like a sponge. Now, there’s something bothering you. Maybe you were thinking of your job or something else. You need to look into this.
That’s what my tutor told me.
I pondered a while.
Then I realized-
I have been too hard to myself.
Playing the trumpet is supposed to be my joy.
Now all the things that I do is based on “I have to make it work” instead of
“I like doing this”.
I had fear everytime I meet my tutor, because I have to make it work.
And that fear became worse, to the point that whenever I meet him- I’ll say I am going to die.
My perception slowly changed.
Life, with whatever I have right now in my wallet and bank account, is just how it is. I’ve already got whatever I need to be in this level of life I have at the moment.
A sturdy vehicle. Sufficient food although not with luxury. Basic means of communication with Streamyx and Maxis.
Of course it is still very disappointing that I couldn’t travel anymore or get a new toy or a new piece of nice t shirt, but hey, life is not that bad after all.
Yes, I've lost a few precious friends, but that was my mistake for abusing what I've learned in the seminars that I've joined. Blaming the seminar itself is as silly as blaming the knife which is given to you when actually you were hurting yourself with it. It's already done, move to the future.
Me, being in the small IT room to practice, is me, being lucky. I didn’t have to go too far to find a practice hall, neither do I have to pay so much to practice in a studio. The room was clean and perfect for me.
I’ve pasted a notice in front of the door, and guards don’t check me anymore.
And I do not want to be terrified by my tutor anymore. I want to see him with my full respect, and I want to make him proud.
I want to play beautifully, with joy, with a good posture and breath, and whenever I play with excellence, my tutor would say with pride-
“That is my student.”
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
review: konsert seribu warna siti nurhaliza
My review of Siti Nurhaliza's concert,
which also featured her sisters Saida and Saerah.
Disclaimer:
This review would be influenced by the factors below-
a) I had a strong intention to enjoy myself that night. So I created it.
b) Siti Nurhaliza Taruddin is my favorite local artiste. I review as a supporter, and in the perspective of where she can go even further to be a world class performer.
Therefore, read this just as an opinion, from me.
Quoted from a friend-
“Tengok konsert Siti macam tengok Celine Dion- tidak menghampakan.”
Her entrance was started by bunch of female dancers with their fluffy feather boas and fancy dresses, and the star emerged in between them. We could feel the essence of glamour in the show.
Adorned in a fuchsia organza layered dress with sparkling shiny gems on it, Siti Nurhaliza brought back the crème parts of her recent concert in Istana Budaya.
This concert flow was smooth and swift.
It shows that effort has been given to make sure that no part of the show would be feel draggy and boring to the audience.
And since this was done in a stadium, we could just lay back on our seats, eat our snacks and watch. This sounds cliche, but just like a good movie, the whole night went so fast!
She sang Ku Mahu and Pendirianku, with the music having a kick of Beyonce’s style, and people cheered especially when we could hear the familiar tune of Crazy In Love.
Seriously I was too happy that she brought in so many colorful dancers, and the choreography was sharp and edgy. It was so entertaining to watch!
Saida and Saerah performed their own album songs and both of them have improved a lot. Saida sounded like another version of Nurhaliza, and Saerah had her own aggressive vocals. With hardwork and discipline, these two can go hand in hand with their famous sister and give more color to the industry.
Saida looks like a singer from Indonesia, and Saerah has already slimmed down a lot! Of course, with discipline, you can get that good figure.
Next, Saida and Saerah perform a few hit numbers from our neighbouring Indonesia. Siti Nurhaliza joined with them later to sing. Songs were original sung by the singers Mulan Jameela, Maia Estianty and also Rossa. Good effort from Siti Nurhaliza’s sisters.
My unforgettable scene was when the bamboo flautist Mohar played a tune, sounded so mystical and ethnic, and Siti Nurhaliza accompanied by humming together. It sounded almost like Balinese music, so soothing and magical. And to our pleasure, this was a rendered intro of her singing Bukan Cinta Biasa. She sang the whole song, accompanied by the flute. Simple, just between the two of them, and the smoke machine adding to the effect. Wonderful.
She powerfully sang Faizal Tahir’s Mahakarya Cinta, and as for Anuar Zain’s Lelaki Ini, she brought the mood up successfully to the end. It was astounding.
It made me wanting to listen to Anuar’s album again. She surely made him proud.
At the final part of the concert, Siti Nurhaliza sang the famous song Seindah Biasa, and oh my, when she entered the first phrase, her voice was so smooth and lyrical. I just couldn’t describe it.
As for the musicians, they were superb. For the introduction of Destinasi Cinta, she introduced the band players one after another. The percussionist, the drummer, the music director cum keyboardist, and the bassist. By pointing each of them, they started to play their part. It was like a jam session of the professionals.
And of course besides waving to the fans, in Destinasi Cinta, she communicate with all the fans by asking everyone to sing together. We could see that after more than ten years of performing, she is really comfortable with the public.
Stage lighting was amazing. Spotlights were being put at every angle, with correct timing with the concert flow. There were also some spotlights glaring at the top of the stage, not to light up the stage but just to add the effect. Whenever there is a catchy song, these lights will beam up to the beat. That is so cool.
I left the stadium with full satisfaction. I was entertained.
Of course there are some improvements that need to be looked into- but I am sure the experts of the production have already knew what need to be done next in the future, and not necessary for me to mention them here.
Congratulations, Siti Nurhaliza. You’ve shown a lot of progress for your artwork and may you always pursue and reach your next level of achievement in singing and performance.
which also featured her sisters Saida and Saerah.
Disclaimer:
This review would be influenced by the factors below-
a) I had a strong intention to enjoy myself that night. So I created it.
b) Siti Nurhaliza Taruddin is my favorite local artiste. I review as a supporter, and in the perspective of where she can go even further to be a world class performer.
Therefore, read this just as an opinion, from me.
Quoted from a friend-
“Tengok konsert Siti macam tengok Celine Dion- tidak menghampakan.”
Her entrance was started by bunch of female dancers with their fluffy feather boas and fancy dresses, and the star emerged in between them. We could feel the essence of glamour in the show.
Adorned in a fuchsia organza layered dress with sparkling shiny gems on it, Siti Nurhaliza brought back the crème parts of her recent concert in Istana Budaya.
This concert flow was smooth and swift.
It shows that effort has been given to make sure that no part of the show would be feel draggy and boring to the audience.
And since this was done in a stadium, we could just lay back on our seats, eat our snacks and watch. This sounds cliche, but just like a good movie, the whole night went so fast!
She sang Ku Mahu and Pendirianku, with the music having a kick of Beyonce’s style, and people cheered especially when we could hear the familiar tune of Crazy In Love.
Seriously I was too happy that she brought in so many colorful dancers, and the choreography was sharp and edgy. It was so entertaining to watch!
Saida and Saerah performed their own album songs and both of them have improved a lot. Saida sounded like another version of Nurhaliza, and Saerah had her own aggressive vocals. With hardwork and discipline, these two can go hand in hand with their famous sister and give more color to the industry.
Saida looks like a singer from Indonesia, and Saerah has already slimmed down a lot! Of course, with discipline, you can get that good figure.
Next, Saida and Saerah perform a few hit numbers from our neighbouring Indonesia. Siti Nurhaliza joined with them later to sing. Songs were original sung by the singers Mulan Jameela, Maia Estianty and also Rossa. Good effort from Siti Nurhaliza’s sisters.
My unforgettable scene was when the bamboo flautist Mohar played a tune, sounded so mystical and ethnic, and Siti Nurhaliza accompanied by humming together. It sounded almost like Balinese music, so soothing and magical. And to our pleasure, this was a rendered intro of her singing Bukan Cinta Biasa. She sang the whole song, accompanied by the flute. Simple, just between the two of them, and the smoke machine adding to the effect. Wonderful.
She powerfully sang Faizal Tahir’s Mahakarya Cinta, and as for Anuar Zain’s Lelaki Ini, she brought the mood up successfully to the end. It was astounding.
It made me wanting to listen to Anuar’s album again. She surely made him proud.
At the final part of the concert, Siti Nurhaliza sang the famous song Seindah Biasa, and oh my, when she entered the first phrase, her voice was so smooth and lyrical. I just couldn’t describe it.
As for the musicians, they were superb. For the introduction of Destinasi Cinta, she introduced the band players one after another. The percussionist, the drummer, the music director cum keyboardist, and the bassist. By pointing each of them, they started to play their part. It was like a jam session of the professionals.
And of course besides waving to the fans, in Destinasi Cinta, she communicate with all the fans by asking everyone to sing together. We could see that after more than ten years of performing, she is really comfortable with the public.
Stage lighting was amazing. Spotlights were being put at every angle, with correct timing with the concert flow. There were also some spotlights glaring at the top of the stage, not to light up the stage but just to add the effect. Whenever there is a catchy song, these lights will beam up to the beat. That is so cool.
I left the stadium with full satisfaction. I was entertained.
Of course there are some improvements that need to be looked into- but I am sure the experts of the production have already knew what need to be done next in the future, and not necessary for me to mention them here.
Congratulations, Siti Nurhaliza. You’ve shown a lot of progress for your artwork and may you always pursue and reach your next level of achievement in singing and performance.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
there is nothing better for me to write
Yes. There is nothing very significant for me to write.
Or perhaps I am just stopping myself from writing something which is not necessary.
There are points where I wanted to write about something-
But then when I think again, the points seem pointless. I mean, it would just sound like a complaint, and it ain’t bringing me any change to my life though. And these points are the usual situations that would happen in our usual lives. As usual as any days.
But maybe just for self expression, I will write it down in a small compilation.
As usual as any days,
There are always people who are always resigned and cynical with the people who rule the country.
There are also less vocal people who silently support the government.
As usual as any days,
There are people who keep on complaining about their lives,
trying to fix it, or go hitting around the bush,
because in the first place they do not learn how to forgive and forget the past that they are still bringing forward to their lives.
They are stuck with “this is what I am” without an ending of “this is what I can do bout it”.
They don’t realize that in between the lines, whenever they say about their lives, the real fact is they still hold grudge to their ex spouse, their mothers, their old friends, or their childhood.
As usual as any days,
People complain about the dirty public toilet,
But people still do not leave the toilet without checking any souvenirs they shouldn’t leave behind.
And these two types of people are the same person.
As usual as any days,
There are moslems who were brought up with good Islamic education,
But in the end they let themselves astray with the so-called richness of education,
With their stand of freedom and justice as how it is sculpted by the Westerners.
Freedom is defined as “I can do whatever I want to do” without being responsible with it.
And there are moslems who were brought up with the richness of Islamic education,
But in the end they become extremists.
As usual as any days.
I want to make my life not as usual as any days.
So I stopped myself from indulging in these topics which became constant racket in my head-
“Why? Why are they like that? Why can’t they see?”
I have a bigger responsibility to create results in my OWN life.
So I shy away with all of the things above.
Better practice my trumpet! Cikgu sudah marah!
Or perhaps I am just stopping myself from writing something which is not necessary.
There are points where I wanted to write about something-
But then when I think again, the points seem pointless. I mean, it would just sound like a complaint, and it ain’t bringing me any change to my life though. And these points are the usual situations that would happen in our usual lives. As usual as any days.
But maybe just for self expression, I will write it down in a small compilation.
As usual as any days,
There are always people who are always resigned and cynical with the people who rule the country.
There are also less vocal people who silently support the government.
As usual as any days,
There are people who keep on complaining about their lives,
trying to fix it, or go hitting around the bush,
because in the first place they do not learn how to forgive and forget the past that they are still bringing forward to their lives.
They are stuck with “this is what I am” without an ending of “this is what I can do bout it”.
They don’t realize that in between the lines, whenever they say about their lives, the real fact is they still hold grudge to their ex spouse, their mothers, their old friends, or their childhood.
As usual as any days,
People complain about the dirty public toilet,
But people still do not leave the toilet without checking any souvenirs they shouldn’t leave behind.
And these two types of people are the same person.
As usual as any days,
There are moslems who were brought up with good Islamic education,
But in the end they let themselves astray with the so-called richness of education,
With their stand of freedom and justice as how it is sculpted by the Westerners.
Freedom is defined as “I can do whatever I want to do” without being responsible with it.
And there are moslems who were brought up with the richness of Islamic education,
But in the end they become extremists.
As usual as any days.
I want to make my life not as usual as any days.
So I stopped myself from indulging in these topics which became constant racket in my head-
“Why? Why are they like that? Why can’t they see?”
I have a bigger responsibility to create results in my OWN life.
So I shy away with all of the things above.
Better practice my trumpet! Cikgu sudah marah!
Monday, November 02, 2009
a day in the park
I wonder if anyone still use this boat anymore.
It was tied to the tree though.
Had to zoom very far to catch these birds on my camera.
Rustic colors.
Two plants on a tree.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
just a rant
I looked at the Overture 1812, trumpet part.
And the William Tale score too.
I sighed.
We’re having two difficult songs to play this next concert.
It seems that everything about playing trumpet feels a little bit tougher now.
Putting the pieces aside, I went back to the slur exercises for Grade 5.
I was an hour early before the orchestra rehearsal, so I can have sometime to practice for my exam.
Another attempt to play the slurs, and still failing.
Failures like this do make me feel down.
Especially when the last meet with my tutor was a challenging one.
“Did you practice?”
“I have told you that today’s lesson we are going to do the slurs and scales.”
“Your rhythm is terrible.”
Of course, I’m following my daily practice schedule, but apparently that is not enough.
However, on the other side, he gave me good advice too.
“Your level is not fit for grade 5 yet. You need to do the best. You do have the potential. Use this orchestra room for you to practice, without restrictions.”
I looked back with what I have in front of me.
Definitely, when we have a huge goal in front of us, things are not easy.
I am actually fortunate to have a tutor who keeps on asserting me to go forward.
That in fact is the point of having lessons.
Even if I feel discouraged, I can just set myself like a machine for a while and do it anyway.
All this stress and higher levels to reach, is a good structure for me to direct myself towards the hugest possibility.
Fundamentals is the building blocks of fun.
And the William Tale score too.
I sighed.
We’re having two difficult songs to play this next concert.
It seems that everything about playing trumpet feels a little bit tougher now.
Putting the pieces aside, I went back to the slur exercises for Grade 5.
I was an hour early before the orchestra rehearsal, so I can have sometime to practice for my exam.
Another attempt to play the slurs, and still failing.
Failures like this do make me feel down.
Especially when the last meet with my tutor was a challenging one.
“Did you practice?”
“I have told you that today’s lesson we are going to do the slurs and scales.”
“Your rhythm is terrible.”
Of course, I’m following my daily practice schedule, but apparently that is not enough.
However, on the other side, he gave me good advice too.
“Your level is not fit for grade 5 yet. You need to do the best. You do have the potential. Use this orchestra room for you to practice, without restrictions.”
I looked back with what I have in front of me.
Definitely, when we have a huge goal in front of us, things are not easy.
I am actually fortunate to have a tutor who keeps on asserting me to go forward.
That in fact is the point of having lessons.
Even if I feel discouraged, I can just set myself like a machine for a while and do it anyway.
All this stress and higher levels to reach, is a good structure for me to direct myself towards the hugest possibility.
Fundamentals is the building blocks of fun.
Friday, October 16, 2009
possible
Possible:
–adjective
1. that may or can be, exist, happen, be done, be used
2. that may be true or may be the case, as something concerning which one has no knowledge to the contrary.
Normally a possibility is seen as an occurrence that may happen in the future.
But you can also bring the future into the present moment. I mean, right NOW.
Bringing the possibility NOW is a space for you to be inspired, and go for it and play all out. You’re focusing your feelings and emotions on the possibility, not on the barriers and challenges towards that possibility. And definitely you don’t waste too much time on your doubts whether it will happen or not. The barriers are just barriers, it is part of the game. The huger the possibility is, the more the challenges that are expected to happen.
I’ve created the possibility of being a world class trumpet player.
The question is, if it is already written in the future, if it is considered as confirmed that I will be playing at an international level (because I created the future that way), what is my behavior and action now?
Currently I am hopping back onto the schedule for my trumpet progress.
Scales, pieces, flexibility exercises.
If the possibility of being a world class trumpet player has a list of aims to be accomplished, the current goal at this very moment is to perform the scales, pieces and flexibility exercise flawlessly. Even the warm up studies!
Each note has to be clear, precise, like a finger pressing on the piano key. Like a pluck of the guitar string. Like a person verbally speak out the words, clearly.
Then I will be prepared to recieve my grade 5 certificate.
So this is my possibility. With my stand on it regardless of anyone's doubt on it, and the resources and infrastructure that I’ve got, and the friends who support me dearly and WANT my possibility to become true, I am constantly having it alive.
What’s your possibility?
–adjective
1. that may or can be, exist, happen, be done, be used
2. that may be true or may be the case, as something concerning which one has no knowledge to the contrary.
Normally a possibility is seen as an occurrence that may happen in the future.
But you can also bring the future into the present moment. I mean, right NOW.
Bringing the possibility NOW is a space for you to be inspired, and go for it and play all out. You’re focusing your feelings and emotions on the possibility, not on the barriers and challenges towards that possibility. And definitely you don’t waste too much time on your doubts whether it will happen or not. The barriers are just barriers, it is part of the game. The huger the possibility is, the more the challenges that are expected to happen.
I’ve created the possibility of being a world class trumpet player.
The question is, if it is already written in the future, if it is considered as confirmed that I will be playing at an international level (because I created the future that way), what is my behavior and action now?
Currently I am hopping back onto the schedule for my trumpet progress.
Scales, pieces, flexibility exercises.
If the possibility of being a world class trumpet player has a list of aims to be accomplished, the current goal at this very moment is to perform the scales, pieces and flexibility exercise flawlessly. Even the warm up studies!
Each note has to be clear, precise, like a finger pressing on the piano key. Like a pluck of the guitar string. Like a person verbally speak out the words, clearly.
Then I will be prepared to recieve my grade 5 certificate.
So this is my possibility. With my stand on it regardless of anyone's doubt on it, and the resources and infrastructure that I’ve got, and the friends who support me dearly and WANT my possibility to become true, I am constantly having it alive.
What’s your possibility?
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