its just in my head

Just a few things that I saw on facebook can totally screw up my state of mind.

Few cute guys refused to reply my hi s.

An old schoolmate beaming because he is buying another property.

A female acquaintance writing happilly about another cute guy without mentioning me.

It is amazing that only a few reads and the negative cynical pessimist side of the mind starting to process and make conclusions about "how bad life can be".

It is 3.15 am now and I will now not going to waste and should be in bed.

Nite. Tomorrow, all these is but a nonsense and it will be a great day for everyone. You and me included.

I am blessed. thank God

I wake up almost each morning with this view.


wah is that spider web on my blog



Many things have happened since the world of blogging has been placed by the world of facebooking. People’s attention span gets shorten as we prefer to read headlines rather than reading a lengthy report. I can’t remember when was the last time I read from a real newspaper. But I still dig in d├ęcor mags though.

Today I have my own humble 1.0 litre engine car, and I am also a happy owner of a humble 1100sqft apartment at the suburb.

Can’t ask too much, as what I am owning now is the best of what the world has to offer within my salary budget. Things could be much worse, for instance, buying a low powered used car which is so tiny, you will be gasping for air. Or, regret paying installment for a medium cost flat where everything outside is smelly and dirty, and your neighbours are foreign laborers and you will be living in discomfort. 

My car was bought brand new, has a decent power to speed along the highway, very affordable to maintain and quite spacious for its class. And my apartment is at the second topmost floor, on top of a hill, with a view of other hilss and the fog covering that scene each fresh morning. And it is a very quiet place too. Such a view at any high end residence and you will be paying millions. My place is underrated, but let it be underrated so that not many will flock in here.

I’ve quit from most orchestras, got to travel to a few neighboring countries, and got cool photography jobs. But that was quite in the past. Today, I am involved in private musical shows, but this time I am doing the acting and singing and dancing. Now I can feel how challenging it is to perform.

As the years passed, broken friendship ties reunited and I am related in doing join venture with them in performing arts. Eg: I am the performer in the production and they are the director or manager.
Ironically, a friend who once was popular, has isolated himself in his own world, voluntarily, after a huge conflict between him and a friend, and coincidentally he is having arguments with the rest too.

Romantic relationships also came and go within my circle of friends, included me.

Yeah, many things have happened.

thots

Fundamentally, human beings dont change. If we change that easily then we wont recognise our friends at every now and then. Embracing this fact and learn how to work things around it would save my time from upsets & make me grow faster and love people the way they already are.

My decision to give up my expectations and just allow thing to happen as how it Would be, has made things to go better than I thought it Would be.

At least have learnt to be less author itative and gave me a certain kind of freedom.

Giving up my ego is a challenge but it has given me freedom.

murphy's law


This morning I’ve started to read the first page of Victoria Beckham’s autobiography that she wrote herself. Interesting. Perhaps I should continue doing my blog regardless of how I feel. Who knows in future I could collect bits of my life stories and compile them to make a good book.

So life, right now, sucks. Not really complaining in the most emotional psychotic manner but yeah, few bad things happened.

I barely knew this guy and drove over to another town three hours from my familiar zone, ended up drinking something which is added with drug, fell asleep, and the next thing was me waking up at midday with all my valuables gone.

Two expensive smartphones and my carkeys with immobilizer chip inside.

Was in disbelief and panic and horror and ran to the counter at the hotel lobby. Pleaded the receptionist to let me call a friend, lucky that he worked nearby, to come and rescue me.

The rest were weeks and weeks of trying to restore my life.
It has been really quiet with no smartphone. No online personals to check, no facebook, no online word game and drawing game.

My car was towed to the nearest workshop, and the cost to change the key system will be around 2 grand. Therefore now my car is stranded there, perhaps for a month or two.

I went back to simple life; riding my bike, face getting greasy due to the dirty city air, and became full of acne due to stress and a history of wrong cosmetic products. It feels like rough tar road whenever I touch my face. To add to that my thinning hair is not getting any better.

There is no music since I don’t drive no more at the moment and even my MP3 was stolen altogether with the rest.

It is shocking how you used to have a few things in life, and those things can be taken away from you in just one night.

At times I heave a very heavy sigh, it hurts my chest, remembering the fact that things that I buy from my hard earned money are now gone.

It got even worse at work. The day I was missing because of the robbery, it was a chaotic day for my colleagues. They had to do my job, settling with my issues, and they were in temper.

The next day, although I came to the office trying to give the best effort that I could, only because of a silly minimal mistake that I did, I was shouted by my colleague, as clients have already shouted at him all day and perhaps because he was stressed enough to help settling my part when I wasn’t around.
It was a very overwhelming experience, I held my breath and stopped my self from shedding even a tear. My face flushed and felt warm and it was a really bad situation.

Nowadays, I had to cut down everything including expenses for food since I have to gather 2k for the repair of the car, another 1k for the car road tax, another 500 for my bike, and being the stubborn me, I do want to obtain a new smartphone as quick as possible, that would be around 2k as well.

It is quite daunting to have many problems happening to me at the same time. Sometimes I became blur and so stressed out.

There is nothing more I can do then just take whatever necessary actions and be patient. So this is it.

my view on the recent rally


Police ganged up, kicking, hitting, punching and shoving a participant.

The crowd rushed in, pushing away the metal barricade, as soon as the police force (strangely) removed the barb wire.

Police spraying tear gas to the MIDDLE part of the crowd, causing chaos, but not doing anything much to those who are in front of the crowd, continuing breaking the barrier.

The crowd throwing stones towards a petrol car, causing it to go out of control, swerving and knocking a few people. The car stopped at SOGO mall, and the police guy inside was hit badly til he fainted.

A lot of those who joined are naughty youngsters who know nothing about what is the stand and base of the rally.

It is strange all the things that happened during the BERSIH 3.0 rally.

I don’t agree with a rally that will cause such a huge mess, but I think that it is a fate necessary to happen to open the eyes of the current leader. Corruption, expanding inside the ruling party, has caused so much impact on the people’s trust, and it seem too late for them to correct anything now.

Even with good intent and good agenda, the people will stay skeptic and cynical about it.

Today we are polluted by the noise of anger, hate, frustration and racism.

Hope things will improve.


just good friends.

After the final decision of moving on with my life, of course sometimes these little thoughts do visit thinking what a huge defeat it is to lose all possibilities to get into a relationship with someone that I think really perfect for me. Hot looks, designer stubble, very well toned body, six packs abs, fashionable, working as an engineer, and the friendliest kindest ever.

However, fact in life is fact in life. If I couldn’t be with him, it doesn’t mean I have to destroy this good friendship.

So tomorrow I am going to fetch him to attend to a very close friend’s wedding.

What I resist will persist.

So I am embracing this friendship.

And.

I create that I will get into a lasting relationship with someone who is as hot, as handsome, as well toned, as well mannered, as talented, and works in the professional field. Just like him.

Never mind I’ll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you.

move on move on

A little talk on the phone with my first former lover. A chat with an old friend while eating roti john and len chee kang nearby my office. And the joy of walking along the pasar malam and a haircut, with a short relieving massage by the Indian barber.

It gave me insights for me to see what opens up for me.

To seek someone to be in a relationship, should not be a struggle. Our love story is already a scripture by God. Why the desperation? Why the rush? Just continue searching and have faith that bliss will come.

I do know that I am a powerful person. There is so much opportunity in life awaits in front of me, if I go beyond being stuck right now.

What I saw is that I wasn’t accepting. I was resisting. What you resist, persists.
So what if that person didn’t love me?
There is always other doors opened for me.



Now I accept.
Now I forgive you for the mistakes that you never done.
Now I forgive what’s there and embrace it.
Now I forgive myself for me being this way.

I am free. I am liberated. I am still a stand on finding that goodlooking guy, to fall in love as helpless as how I love him too.