Fundamentally, human beings dont change. If we change that easily then we wont recognise our friends at every now and then. Embracing this fact and learn how to work things around it would save my time from upsets & make me grow faster and love people the way they already are.

My decision to give up my expectations and just allow thing to happen as how it Would be, has made things to go better than I thought it Would be.

At least have learnt to be less author itative and gave me a certain kind of freedom.

Giving up my ego is a challenge but it has given me freedom.

murphy's law

This morning I’ve started to read the first page of Victoria Beckham’s autobiography that she wrote herself. Interesting. Perhaps I should continue doing my blog regardless of how I feel. Who knows in future I could collect bits of my life stories and compile them to make a good book.

So life, right now, sucks. Not really complaining in the most emotional psychotic manner but yeah, few bad things happened.

I barely knew this guy and drove over to another town three hours from my familiar zone, ended up drinking something which is added with drug, fell asleep, and the next thing was me waking up at midday with all my valuables gone.

Two expensive smartphones and my carkeys with immobilizer chip inside.

Was in disbelief and panic and horror and ran to the counter at the hotel lobby. Pleaded the receptionist to let me call a friend, lucky that he worked nearby, to come and rescue me.

The rest were weeks and weeks of trying to restore my life.

It has been really quiet with no smartphone. No online personals to check, no facebook, no online word game and drawing game.

My car was towed to the nearest workshop, and the cost to change the key system will be around 2 grand. Therefore now my car is stranded there, perhaps for a month or two.

I went back to simple life; riding my bike, face getting greasy due to the dirty city air, and became full of acne due to stress and a history of wrong cosmetic products. It feels like rough tar road whenever I touch my face. To add to that my thinning hair is not getting any better.

There is no music since I don’t drive no more at the moment and even my MP3 was stolen altogether with the rest.

It is shocking how you used to have a few things in life, and those things can be taken away from you in just one night.

At times I heave a very heavy sigh, it hurts my chest, remembering the fact that things that I buy from my hard earned money are now gone.

It got even worse at work. The day I was missing because of the robbery, it was a chaotic day for my colleagues. They had to do my job, settling with my issues, and they were in temper.

The next day, although I came to the office trying to give the best effort that I could, only because of a silly minimal mistake that I did, I was shouted by my colleague, as clients have already shouted at him all day and perhaps because he was stressed enough to help settling my part when I wasn’t around.

It was a very overwhelming experience, I held my breath and stopped my self from shedding even a tear. My face flushed and felt warm and it was a really bad situation.

Nowadays, I had to cut down everything including expenses for food since I have to gather 2k for the repair of the car, another 1k for the car road tax, another 500 for my bike, and being the stubborn me, I do want to obtain a new smartphone as quick as possible, that would be around 2k as well.

It is quite daunting to have many problems happening to me at the same time. Sometimes I became blur and so stressed out.

There is nothing more I can do then just take whatever necessary actions and be patient. So this is it.

my view on the recent rally

Police ganged up, kicking, hitting, punching and shoving a participant.

The crowd rushed in, pushing away the metal barricade, as soon as the police force (strangely) removed the barb wire.

Police spraying tear gas to the MIDDLE part of the crowd, causing chaos, but not doing anything much to those who are in front of the crowd, continuing breaking the barrier.

The crowd throwing stones towards a petrol car, causing it to go out of control, swerving and knocking a few people. The car stopped at SOGO mall, and the police guy inside was hit badly til he fainted.

A lot of those who joined are naughty youngsters who know nothing about what is the stand and base of the rally.

It is strange all the things that happened during the BERSIH 3.0 rally.

I don’t agree with a rally that will cause such a huge mess, but I think that it is a fate necessary to happen to open the eyes of the current leader. Corruption, expanding inside the ruling party, has caused so much impact on the people’s trust, and it seem too late for them to correct anything now.

Even with good intent and good agenda, the people will stay skeptic and cynical about it.

Today we are polluted by the noise of anger, hate, frustration and racism.

Hope things will improve.

just good friends.

After the final decision of moving on with my life, of course sometimes these little thoughts do visit thinking what a huge defeat it is to lose all possibilities to get into a relationship with someone that I think really perfect for me. Hot looks, designer stubble, very well toned body, six packs abs, fashionable, working as an engineer, and the friendliest kindest ever.

However, fact in life is fact in life. If I couldn’t be with him, it doesn’t mean I have to destroy this good friendship.

So tomorrow I am going to fetch him to attend to a very close friend’s wedding.

What I resist will persist.

So I am embracing this friendship.

And.

I create that I will get into a lasting relationship with someone who is as hot, as handsome, as well toned, as well mannered, as talented, and works in the professional field. Just like him.

Never mind I’ll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you.

move on move on

A little talk on the phone with my first former lover. A chat with an old friend while eating roti john and len chee kang nearby my office. And the joy of walking along the pasar malam and a haircut, with a short relieving massage by the Indian barber.

It gave me insights for me to see what opens up for me.

To seek someone to be in a relationship, should not be a struggle. Our love story is already a scripture by God. Why the desperation? Why the rush? Just continue searching and have faith that bliss will come.

I do know that I am a powerful person. There is so much opportunity in life awaits in front of me, if I go beyond being stuck right now.

What I saw is that I wasn’t accepting. I was resisting. What you resist, persists.
So what if that person didn’t love me?
There is always other doors opened for me.



Now I accept.
Now I forgive you for the mistakes that you never done.
Now I forgive what’s there and embrace it.
Now I forgive myself for me being this way.

I am free. I am liberated. I am still a stand on finding that goodlooking guy, to fall in love as helpless as how I love him too.

I can't make you love me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies

Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me

Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.

chasing pavements

Relatively to my other friends, I am a person who is on the melancholic side. Or to describe it, I am prone to show my emotional side to the world. Through experience that have taught me, I try my best not to have anyone badly affected or annoyed by it though.

However, last night I fell into the pit again.
My former partner called me to inform that he was at my apartment. He was about to collect all his clothes.

That was the point where I felt sad. It’s like another clear indicator of me being single.

“Are you really taking everything?”

“Well, I am not sure but I took everything that was in my sight. Including the tissue box.”

“How about the bear?”

“No, that bear is yours.”

“So nothing left?”

“There is something left for sure. The memories of the yester-years.”

“That doesn’t make it sound any better.”

“Well, if I leave some stuff it doesn’t mean I can still go back there. Me and my new partner, we try to avoid doing things that can cause suspicion to the other party.”

I left the gym quickly and wanted to go back home.

I was also thinking about that "candidate" that I really liked, that gave me fuzzy feelings if I can share my life with him.

He seem to treat me only as a friend and nothing more.
I am pondering what should I do. and as I popped in Adele in my stereo and Chasing Pavements, my mind was distracted. I accidentally reversed into the bumper of another car at the parking lot. And had to pay 250 bucks for that.

I drove on the highway and got lost.

Last night was one of the worst. I felt as if losing hope and not wanting to drag my feet an inch further in this life.

I drove and wailed out loud.

And wailed.

And wailed.

And cried.

And sobbed.

And wailed.

Releasing whatever is in my chest.

Made my way to PJ and parked. Looked at the hideous scratch on my car.

Waited for my friends and felt much better.

And this was the advice given to me.

"Erm. About that friend you are hitting on to.
He just shared to me that you gave him signs on your trail of phone messages.
He said to me he regards you as one of his very close friend, and he felt awkward.
I'm just saying this so that you will feel a bit clear from this confusion."

"Two things that you can do. You can either give up,
or you can take on just allowing things to be. If you really want him,
relax, just give and perhaps it would be like in the movies. He will accept you."

Should I give up or
Should I keep on chasing pavements
Even if it leads to no where?

I am doing neither. I just leave it to God.

i want him

As i type this in private with my small iphone, i am embracing myself with this sense of loneliness and no hope.

I have created a dream. To have a very goodlooking guy as my eternal partner in life.

However it is still not there yet.

I have been in touch with a few guys but their response is frustratingly slow.

What does it mean if a guy just took a glimpse of your morning greet, never replies but have all the time in the world checking and commenting on facebook?

I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of behaving my best, but when i joke it felt as if i said sth wrong and the other party never answers.
I feel like closing off all these options of ppl who just dont bother.

The only guy who responds everyday, is the guy i want the most.
He has the most beautiful eyes, the handsome features, the stunning stubble and lips that
I would kiss evyday.

The perfect body, the musky sweet scent, and the beautiful voice when he sings.

The messy boyish hair and the friendliest persona ever.

But he is my friend and i am his friend.

He might just be replying my neutral messages cause he is a kind friend.

If there is one person i want to spend my life with, it would be him.