like it or not, i discovered something.

Hi again.

When I feel that I want to pour it all out, I discovered that this is the venue.

What else have I discovered in life lately?

I discovered that no matter what I do, life goes back reminding me that I need to expand my business to have a good life and have OTHERS have a good life.

I discovered that although I am left with just a few hundred ringgits in my bank, the blessing is that I have managed to pay the "sudden fees" of [car road tax + car service + paying back client] which sums up to additional 3000++ ringgit. Therefore being a bit broke is just natural.

And inshaAllah, money and food is always there for me. Open houses and food invitation came back to back, and I didn’t have to spend. I could judge myself as going down like a scavenger, like a beggar, but hey, I discovered that is just insulting the blessings that God has given to me to survive.

The air that we breath. The free food from blessful invitations of Eid Mubarak.

I discovered that when I had “no choice but to use my friend's bike” instead of drive, actually I was GIVEN an opportunity to use the bike to save money. It WAS a choice. It was a blessing. I didn’t have to resort to borrow money just to travel.

I discovered that when I bike, I experienced humility as well as confidence, because I know at the back of my mind that I still have a shining car parked in my condo. This sounds superficial, but I realized something deeper: eventually I can still have self-confidence regardless at any point of life I will be.

I discovered again that biking has a different brake momentum and balancing, and how to adjust to avoid crashing into cars. The car drivers perceived that they have changed lanes in a safe manner, but still feels dangerously abrupt in biker's perception.

I discovered when my car stopped dead because the fuel was completely finished, just 10 meters from the gas station; I am blessed. Because I wasn't stranded ELSE WHERE. Because there were kindhearted gas station workers willing to push my car to the gas hose.

I discovered when my bike went dead, ALSO because the fuel was completely finished, 400 meters from the gas station; I am blessed. Because there is one biker who helped pushing my bike using his foot while he rode his bike, all the way to the gas station. Bless his soul.

I have discovered that getting involved in performing arts takes hard work, focus, energy, time, and money being spent. And for me to have all that luxury, I need to expand my business first.

I discovered that I don’t deserve to lament about my job. I will always be stuck in this job, UNTIL I put both my feet, hands, body and mind in nothing else but expanding my business.

I discovered my job is still a blessing. It gives me money to survive for my business expansion, it gives me experience molding me to be a leader for my business expansion.

Bikers, dancers, singers, trainers, businessmen, humanity and MY OWN SELF, I salute us all, for we, at some point of time have done so much. 

In conclusion to ALL OF THE ABOVE, I discovered-
Doing so much is not enough. Life is short. Decide what is BEST for our OWN lives.

And I discovered that Bismillahi Tawakkaltu Alallah, 
regardless that I am imperfect, inshaAllah I will be safe and successful.

sunny morning and i miss you

Now I understood the quote that people say;

The most meaning relationships are not necessarily the ones that you expect bursts of fireworks happening in it, or being with the hottest person on earth, or the one that is 100 percent perfect with no fights.

Looking back, now I understood your pain.
You were so in love with me, even tried to tame your jealousy and fury, just for me.

You always have put thoughts on me in your own way, it hurts you when I don't seem to act to reflect the same way.

 I realized that you were so in love with me, even the rational and irrational things that you do is because you were so in love with me.

It's a little too late though.

Now it hurts to think that you have already left to be in the arms of a better man.

Now it hurts to think that you will never come back to me, because you are already happy with the best.

Someone who is fitter, taller (lol), hotter, wealthier, has achieved so further milestones than me.

Who am I compared to him?

As I tearfully wailed in the car realizing how stupid I was, I also said a huge PADAN MUKA to myself.

It feels like a stab, like recieving the news of death.

It's a little too late though.

It's a little too late.

"being upset is expensive"

I can't afford to be upset.
Especially when the upset comes out of the blue, almost for no reason.
These are just counterproductive distractions that I should just ignore,
Like ignoring a negative friend who keeps on whining with no valid reason.

I have so many actions to do on my plate,

Doing some info search on one or two products that I am targeting to market this week.
Prepare 5 articles related on facial for me to boost on my webpage.
Follow up
1) A potential facial client who already inquired
2) A potential product client to meet up
3) 3 potential investors/business partners

So if I dwell in this upset too long, it will cost me to lose momentum.
And momentum is very precious.

My business is not gonna wait for me too long before it runs to another businessman.
Gotta run.

the surest way to waste your life is living without a vision.

There, the feels.
Smack right in front of me when I stared for a second or two on my online bank balance, after quickly transferring money here and there to pay my monthly loans.

I can see that this will be the future for me for another 12 months, if I don't take any action.
I am now already having half of my mind in disbelief, and the other half ready to accepting it, when suddenly my mind wandered to another zone..

This will be the future, only if I don't take action.

If. I. Don't. Take Action.

What if I do?
No, not the actions I have already taken. Entrepeneurs do not dwell in the past.
What about consistently repeating the productive actions I have already taken, and adding on bigger, inspiring, amazing actions?

Where are the vivid posters shouting for people to realise that they need a break, need a stress free facial service from me? (I am doing facial now as part of my business).

When will I stop doubting myself and march straight to the potential person (or to the phone) and invite them to discuss on join venturing and expanding this business?

The fewer risks I take, the less chance I will succeed.

I can't do this alone. I need a team. So I need to find people to be in this team.

fireworks up your ass.

Once I decided to change reprogram myself to live the life of a successful man. My actions, my thinking, my approach, should reflect that. It includes discipline, persistent, integrity (doing what I say), good time management, objective, staying empowered, managing my stress, focusing on productivity & positivity, and stop involving in conversations which are cynical and pessimistic. All the bombastic words you name it.

When this is declared, the universe is not going to give me flowers and sweets.
The universe is going to give my fireworks. Fireworks that burn my ass as I walk this path.
Really? I wanna be resourceful? I wanna try leadership? I wanna be unwaivered?
Let us test you. If you are going to trip and fall, will you still be a stand of the call that you make?
Or are you just acah-acah je?

So now challenges come from every nook and corner.
It feels like I received failures more often on my IT desk.
It feels like I received upsets more often in my relationship.
It feels like I received fearsome prospects more often in my business.

Let’s just change those words into challenges, and challenges are actually opportunities.
It feels like I received opportunities more often on my IT desk.
It feels like I received opportunities more often in my relationship.
It feels like I received bigger opportunities through bigger prospects in my business.

This is not some bull. True that failures are challenges, and challenges are opportunities.
Think average and things which suck stay suck. Think big and things which suck give you potential of many things; growth, making a difference, turning the world around..

So  yeah I am commited in making a difference.
Life is like a set of small assignments. I take it on one by one right now with no expectation. If in the end it did not work, I have the freedom to declare another game.

not deciding anything. i just wanna color my anti stress coloring book.

being present: notice, breath, use senses, be with it.

Here is something that I got while wandering through the net.

Mindfullness - Being present, a type of meditation.

Too busy to meditate? Here is what you can do:

5 tips to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine:

1. Notice, don’t think.
Pretend you are a traveler or student encountering this activity for the very first time. Don’t judge, label, and think about what you’re doing. Just notice. Notice every detail with an open, beginner’s mind.

2. When in doubt, check your breathing.
If you feel your thoughts wandering from the present task, take a minute to hear and feel yourself breathe. Just paying attention to a few breaths will bring you back to the present moment.

3. You have 5 senses, use them.
Mindfulness means truly experiencing what is going on right now. This is more than just noticing what something looks like. What does it smell like? Feel it with your hands. What is the texture? Temperature? What do you hear?

4. Have a strategy to handle nagging thoughts.
Occasionally we all have thoughts that won’t go away—so you need a strategy for how to handle them. I like to have a notebook with me at all times to write any nagging to-dos, ideas or issues. If you write them down, your mind can relax because it knows you can go back to them later
5. It is what it is.
You don’t need to analyze your mindfulness experience. Don’t worry about what it all means or if you’re being mindful enough. Just try to be mindful every day. Come more fully into the present moment. Let the experience be what it is.
While this might not fit the ideal of a perfect, solitary meditation practice, it works for me. It works because it gets me to the right place—the present moment.
Every week when I make bread, I re-discover that by mixing, kneading and baking, I am able to come more fully into the present moment and really connect with life.  And isn’t that the purpose of a meditation practice in the first place?

In between meditation songs and meditative coloring books

So I have picked up new things to keep myself amused. Or in peace. I have downloaded one solfeggio 528Hz which is claimed to heal the heart and open it up to love.

Yesterday was a Sunday and after that painful argument with him, I stayed at home, replaying the solfeggio over and over. I dozed off, woke up, sometimes sobbing so hard, Milo snuggled next to me. Strange. It seems like cats could detect that you are in this sorrow, unexplainable, especially when you are considered as the bad person and losing part of this fight.

So tonight I got myself a few de stress coloring pages. Truly it challenges you to focus, relax, and ready for a good sleep.

So good night world. I am not ready yet to talk to you. But surely I am ready to sleep.

chantique was buried today

It is funny that this is the place that I would type my thoughts, when I feel that other trending social media and messengers are too noisy for me. Although this is gonna be published, it still feels private here.

I have to say thanks to him for answering the call, and accepting to follow me finding a nice spot to bury Chantique today. Chantique was his favorite, always been given attention by him. He cried when Chantique nearly died the first time, but this time he decided to hide his tears.

As for me and him? My heart says wishfully that, no, everything will be alright again in the end. But perhaps I am not the right partner for him.

He has sacrificed a lot, and has devoted himself so much in my life. But I have not fulfilled his requirements.

Am I willing to admit that I am not suitable for a relationship? Can that make me complete? It does feel lonely when there is no one there for you waiting in your life. On the other hand it takes too much to be in a relationship.

What do I feel now?
I feel that I should just be with myself now.