i was confused at first and then i am clear

I went for dinner with Z at Subang that Thursday night, and again he paid for the food.

Yeah, it sucks to be unemployed, especially when my loved ones would pay for my food or the movie ticket for me. And definitely when some other people would start to label me as a useless citizen already.

Anyway, Z started to ask me in a very curious almost cynical way, “Why do you like me?” I started to answer in a very decent manner, on Z being a balanced and stable person in all aspects, and not being wild, and that is something that I would want from the other person, rather than having just only looks.

It turned out that Z was a bit disappointed with the answer and Z did not explain why.

At the same time, dad called and told me that my grandmother was seriously ill. She fell on the toilet floor and broke her pelvic bone, and she was warded. Her already weak heart had another attack, her sugar level is really high, and her body had started to stop responding on any drug treatment. The doctor stopped giving any medication to her.

After I rushed back to my apartment to pack my things, Z messaged me.

“Take charge. I like it when you take charge”.

I was worrying on two things at the same time, even when I followed my family to Muar to visit my grandmother at the hospital. I thought of grandmother, and I wondered what Z meant by the message.

I referred to a lot of friends.

Be a dominant top, they said. Be a dominatrix and make every decision your own way.

I do not believe in this. To me, a relationship is where each decision is done to the approval of both sides. I do not want to be like a person who bullies the other in the relationship.

At the ward, that was the second time I saw dad in tears, holding her mother’s arm.

My second aunt told us that the doctor wanted to do a small surgery to clean my grandmother’s blood in order to help her condition to improve. However, there are risks, and as my second aunt wept, she said, “Rather than having mom go through all the pain and at the end she couldn’t make it, it would be better that she go peacefully in one piece”.

My first uncle did not want to approve the surgery as he thought that it is a life supporting thing rather than a normal healing operation.

My dad however said that a family meeting including the involved doctor should be done, because everyone is not really clear what kind of small surgery that the doctor actually suggested.

They had a discussion with the doctor, and it was actually a normal dialysis. Thankfully it was agreed for the dialysis to be done. After the procedure, my grandmother gradually improved.

Dad said something quite meaningful, of a thing that he read.

“It’s a sin to want to die, how difficult it is that you have to go through. If there is a cure to your disease, put effort to cure it, no matter how painful (Lord forbid) it is.”

We went back to Kuala Lumpur on the next afternoon, and I kept on wondering what Z meant. Z even replied my messages less frequent than before.

This is going to be another date that would not last long.

Maybe Z wanted me to be an independent person with a stable career and would ‘take charge’ materially in the relationship. Knowing that I am still unemployed, I am not capable to be a provider in an instant.

Apart of my aunt who kept on pestering me on finding a job, perhaps this is fate’s way of making me realizing that I need to be hired fast.

I arrived my apartment in Damansara with a very heavy heart.

Then one night, while I was in Putrajaya, Z called me. The first thing we were talking about was why we were both a bit silent. Z gave the explanation of being busy.

I did not believe that. I thought Z had a change of heart and gave up because I could not provide.

And then Z told me something. Someone from the past relationship was engaged and Z was really down. And Z asked for a slight assurance that I wouldn’t leave.

After I told my story that I was upset and worried by the message (of asking me to take charge), Z explained; I suddenly comprehend it all.

I do not need to be a dominatrix freak.

I do not need to feel like a loser, because someday I will get a job.

'Taking charge' was actually by assuring Z that I would always be there.

That I am for real.

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