nothing or something

“You get motivated by DOING things, not thinking about them” – Andrew Matthews.

Last week I fell into this emotion of feeling that all my involvement in music seems worthless. I’ve traveled far across cities to join youth orchestra rehearsals and live bands, but suddenly there was a moment that I feel tired of it all.

My materialistic side shows its face and I started to remind myself that I actually didn’t get any cent out of any performance. And I don’t feel that anyone gave me any acknowledgement that much. It seems that I achieved nothing. Zero. Nada. Have I wasted my time?

Not being myself, I skipped a few rehearsals last week, but on Friday I decided that I need to restore integrity. I started attending all practices as usual.

I went to the big band rehearsal and hang on with whatever feeling that I have. I also obediently went to the youth orchestra rehearsal on Saturday.

When I dragged myself to be responsible, slowly I see some light.

Out of the blue, the cute flautist told me this.

“Man, your playing has improved A LOT! I’m not saying this just because I’m being nice, but really, you’ve improved a lot!”

I was pleasantly surprised, and I thanked him for letting me know.

Apart of that, I can’t stop myself complaining about my low moods to a very nice friend, who is also the leader of the live band I’m joining with. He’s a successful music enthusiast- reaching many levels; owning a music school, a jam studio, and a music instrument shop. He also recently finished sitting for ATCL exam for his clarinet. At the age years younger than me.

Then suddenly he said, agreeing to what I feel, “Yeah, sometimes it’s just daunting! I would say to myself, what the heck am I doing rushing here and there working things out like a cow? But then, we hold onto this saying- GIVE BEFORE YOU GET.”

I told him that I’m glad that now I know I’m not alone. It’s just a normal thing, to feel frustrated once a while, and forget to be grateful with the privilege that we’ve already got.

Seriously, how many of us have the chance to perform

So now I am just going to do it, to perform and contribute, while finding ways to improve myself. At least, hey, with this tight schedule of rehearsals almost every night, I’m completing my quota of at least one hour of trumpet per day. That’ll definitely do me good.

Looking forward for KL Pac orchestra rehearsal tonight!