acting below the belt

 One says, acting below the belt is blaming, disempowering, play victim, not responding, not taking action and not taking ownership.

So today I am acting below the belt, or yesterday, or the whole month before.

I was given advice that is so contradicting with each other and so conflicting it makes my mind nauseous.

(And this default Times New Roman that I keep getting when I type, is fucking ugly. No one uses it in 2021. Each time I have to fucking adjust it back to fucking Arial).

Seeing my housemate going all out in high spirits, as a winner of the month for sales in Unit Trust, should inspire me, but instead it fucking mocked me.

Having people having an intervention meeting to check out what's up because I am not taking any action as an investment broker, got me opening up and spilling out what stressed me out. but that's just what it did.

I recieved a call inspiring me on standing up for myself, speaking up for myself, and I called back to share how I am thankful for that mindblowing advice, but then I was being told off that "I am not reflecting it through my actions".

I was told that I have potential, I am great; at the same time I was TOLD OFF that I am not doing enough.

Perhaps, the best thing to do is to just to just fuck it all up. Give it all up.

It's like every single fucking thing that I do is just fucking not enough.

Maybe I don't need this.

After all, I have already done my best. Too fucking bad that you guys don't see it.

It hits us all, a notch worse than our normal lives

The rich becomes restless as they cant spend and enjoy trips.

The average becomes depressed as loads of work go to them and they are working from home morning, evening, night, and at odd hours.

The poor, struggling to survive.

Many decided to end their lives.

I am one of them, feeling the pressure at work, doing something I honestly hate.

But.

If I were to imagine my consciousness leaping out of my life, looking at the bigger bird view, from above.

I can actually perceive that this job that I hate, that is pressing me to the ground, is a blessing.

This quarantine is a blessing.

I am, actually being blessed with miracles back to back, knowing it or not, loving it or hating it.

That stresssful hateful argument that I had with friends of either spending or saving, landed me having precious knowledge and awareness of six months savings, which led me to recalculate my loans, commitments.

Which led for me to a discovery of the huge money excess that I have, praise God, which I can start use to build up my savings.

Which led to me exploring and founding ways to upgrade that savings into high profit investments.

That is already a miracle.

Next miracle happened when the government

1) announced and granted the delay of loan repayment, and 

2) granted withdrawal of money from Employee Retirement Fund. 

Some do not agree, but to me personally, these are miracle for me.
Now I have loads of cash to be transferred into high profit investments.

It is an opportunity to gain bigger returns that overcomes the interest in loan repayment-

And also a few steps ahead towards early retirement.

The third miracle, though I am still resisting it, is I am blessed with a good paying job.

While others are figuring out how to survive, I am just using my salary execute my plan for early retirement.

And for every day working hours which is stressful, I am granted another miracle, which is the shalat or prayers. A tool that not many were fortunate to comprehend let alone believe in, which has given me the space and time to just drop all my thoughts and worries away even for just a few minutes, giving me solace, and trust to God and His Universe.

This life at this moment is just perfect.

Owning it up is sometimes the suckiest feeling of all

 It seems that every night I am presented with a different interesting dream just before I woke up for my morning meditation around 430am.

This time it was me, riding a superbike. I was stopped at a tunnel which is also a bridge, something that they have in Putrajaya, crossing the lake.

It felt like I fell of my bike when the authorities forced me to get down from my bike. I had to walk to the other end of the bridge and there was somebody who suggested me to get back my bike. And then there was a small scene where I went and buy a face mask at the news stand, realising that I didn't wear one and there were so many people there. 

Ignore what is the underlying message of the dream, I can see my brain is trying to purge whatever experiences that I got that evening before I went to bed.

One very kind man in our office, passed away after his battle with Covid.

He was one of my colleagues who gave me unconditional respect everytime he saw me, regardless that I am way younger than him, and I was a newbie. He greets me with a nod, almost like a bow, with this surprising respect, unnecessary calls me "sir", as if I am a prince from a faraway kingdom. That priceless feeling of being important, I thank you for that.

In the afternoon, I was bugged by the fact that the curtain rod in my room fell off, allowing an uncomfortable extra of light and nakedness feeling from the window. I tried to heat up the old glue on the hook that I pasted on the wall to hang the curtain rod. It fell again a few times.

I went out to buy super glue and was looking for four panels for sheer curtains, in the hopes for a new look for my two windows, and to lessen the weight compared to the thick cotton cottons that I have.

I managed to find and sneaked purchased two panels. Another two, I search high and low in other branches of the same Mr. DIY shop. I finally found another two, and they denied me because of a valid reason: it was not an essential product during the lockdown.

I was fumed inside. I wanted to curse. To me, this IS essential, but to the world it is NOT.

I went back and tried to stick back the hook with the superglue. For now, it worked.

I tried on using just one sheer curtain panel for each window.

It was just okay, looked like a window screen rather than real curtains, because one panel had to be stretched flat to cover one whole window.

All this fuss, plus the vacuuming of the floor, and me assuming that my investment drill program was going to start at half an hour later than it was supposed to be, has caused me to become late.

One of the mentors called me, and I went in, 8 minutes late.

So of course there is a long lecture on me inside the session about attending late and also a discussion of me not fullfiling my promise to confirm on my program assignment buddy earlier.

When I am late, I do not have integrity.

When it is perpetual, I have no dignity.

When I don't be my promise, I lose trust.

I don't want to fan things, but it feels SUCKS.

Yesterday sucks, and I am allowing it to infect my feelings this morning.

And I am aware that I am playing below the line; blame, excuse, and being disempowered.

Being aware and honoring my feelings now is at least a step, I guess.

For now I just want to sleep.

Reality at work

The fact of being employed is that people do not care of what you feel, or what you are going through.

They just expect your services to be provided with no quality drop.

They just expect your response and "be friendly".

And don't be surprised that those colleagues that you deem understanding and close to you,

Put a "constructive feedback" telling you to stop complaining.

Yes, this is my own experience.

So it is up to you to be in denial, or to swallow, or to embrace these facts.

If we choose to look at the bright side, there is a reason why God puts us in a place that we don't feel comfortable of.

What comes around comes around. I celebrate others, God celebrates me.

I give others a difficult time, my life will be difficult.

Perhaps I were to learn to be more understanding, have more empathy.

To be more humble because ultimately all our skills our salary our gifts are from God.

We are but an empty vessel which is granted with so many things from Him.

To have awareness doesn't mean that we are admitting that we are a convict, or a faulty product.

It just makes us a grateful, real, beautiful human being.

ALONE. LONELINESS

So today, is the first day I am back alone again during this lockdown.

My housemate has went back to his wife's town, and the other temp housemate has already shifted to a city half an hour away

I did not sleep last night.

This is supposed to be nothing alien for me, but at the back of my mind, it is affecting me. 

Being the extrovert me, I shine in the presence of others.

Nevertheless, it is time to shine.

I can leverage this time alone being productive, attracting wealth, support, love, joy, financially free.

Let's not waste even a second.

Heck, I can even strip naked around the house!

a good reset, a good restart

 Alhamdulillah,

Today Sunday morning I was fresh and so were the participants of today for the investment tutorial online.

My mentor and another coach were all beaming and so was I, and the Sunday morning light was on point on my face. Sometimes you feel good when you look good.

The class was informative, full of positive vibes, and I am grateful.

I am also inspired to share more with people.

All it takes is for me to dial people's number and share with them how possible, really, it is, to retire young and wealthy, even when it is the pandemic and economy goes down, as long as you have the correct access and... just believe.

InshaAllah.

Separation is never easy

Be it a break up of a 10 year old relationship. Or a sayonara after a good vacation with friends. Or departing after a good coffee together. It is normal to feel sad.

My housemate brought his ex student to stay over at my condo few months ago. Now that he has found a room to rent, nearby and convenient for him to go to work, today he has packed his stuff and said goodbye.

I have always been an extrovert, but became an ambivert by choice and practice. Therefore people leaving my place is something that I don't really feel joyful about. After all if I wanna privacy, I can simply shut myself in my room.

This boy has been a very good housemate. Sometimes he helps vacuuming the house, and cleaned the kitchen, sparkly clean. He scrubbed up to the corners.

Nothing is permanent and I wish him the best. 

Withstanding people who are full of crap

So called literate and so called educated people are full of crap too.

They don't have confidence and they have fear.

They are not willing to take risk.

They are not interested to have an amazing future.

If I spend one more second with them, I am full of crap too. Let them be. 

To love them and to love myself,

I move on focusing on my own future and not theirs. True enough, drag a horse and they won't even drink.