a small boy's grudge

I am sure that there are times when we all would be reactivated by certain occurrence in life. We are humans and we have feelings.

I want to share my interesting small experience which would bring me a significant lesson in life.

I was with my close friends and bibik was around, so we were talking about stuff like teachers, and students, and anything between them.

Suddenly I blurt out one long lost memory that actually I kept inside my mind.

I was 14 back then, and it was English class. The teacher was one of those temporary teachers, and he asked the students to act different kind of sports games in front of the class.

I was asked to 'swing the tennis racket' and I did. After that he told me to really swing it; instead of swirling my arms like a fag.

The whole class laughed, and I took it badly.

The next few weeks, there was this occasion for clubs and societies in school where we will meet the respective teachers to grant us merit points from our contribution.

I had to meet the same teacher who was the advisor for the school orchestra, and he refused to give me merit points because I forgotten the name of a senior member of the orchestra. I admit that I am bad in remembering names and dates, but I was the first trumpeter and I performed in a lot of functions in the orchestra.

Regardless that these two situations seem to be meaningless, I hold the grudge inside me towards the teacher.

So after I told the story to my friends as we sip our Milo and Nescafe at the mamak restaurant, what happened was that everyone was topping up my story with their own stories, and their stories were more interesting than mine.

From there, I make it mean that my friends are invalidating my feelings, my points, and I make it mean that they are saying that I am talking nonsense.

I was saying to myself, I am fed up with friends around me trying to say that they are greater survivors and always trying to top up their stories with mine.

Immediately I replied with a really furious tone; saying that I do not want to compare their stories with mine and my point was that whatever actions to be made, teachers should think of the impact their actions would give towards the students.

A few days later, I realized that my response to that conversation was just me being reactivated. It's human to get reactivated, but often than not, it doesn't work to be reactivated if I want to be powerful in my life.

I discovered that when I said that my friends are trying to belittle me, actually I was the one who invalidated them. They were just sharing their own stories.
I discovered that I was being responsible in making the conversation to be an argument, because of myself being reactivated.

Of course I was going along with my possibility of being transparent because I directly said what I wanted to say, but it went against my possibility of being peaceful.

I was responsible for not trying to make the conversation to cause a difference.

When I looked deeply into it, what that teacher did to me, it was something that caused the impact at that only particular moment. What he said to me wasn't something that could give me any damage now, and even if it does, it is my responsibility to choose whether I want it to affect me now, or not.

He was a temporary teacher with less experience and he was just trying to build up the students' character in his own ways.

And even if what he did annoyed me, it reflects back on the same thing what I did to people.

What you hate people doing to you is the same thing that you hate about yourself.

Sounds difficult to believe? Not really.
When I thought about it, suddenly I remembered that I did the same thing to an orchestra student, only two years back.

In front of the whole orchestra, I told off the student that his flute playing is terrible, similar to that of a primary school's capabilities. Perhaps my point was to have him really get my message, but I am responsible in how my words land onto him, and how would he feel in public.

So now I choose to learn the lesson from it, and get complete with it, and I choose to put the past neatly where it belongs.

And friends;
Sorry for invalidating you guys; again. Ooops.


lyana said...

darling, there's the really thin line between constructive criticism and really putting ppl down.

sometimes, we do day things that we don't really mean to come out as really cruel, and we thought we tried to help out, but actually was making things worse.

*apa aku merepek ni?*

Bibik Nyonya said...

gosh i felt like i was reading a dissertation. Its really not that big a deal if you ask me. Tak payah lah smapai anaylyze so deep like that. Over nyer...lolz!

::airswift:: said...

yeah, i agree with you.
sometimes we tend to fix people and though we thought it's because we love them, but actually we are trying to make them wrong and make ourselves right.

tak apa la i analyse a bit deeper.
can give me a good lesson what.

Anonymous said...

This blog is very good and informative.
Ecommerce Solutions
Free Directory