typing at one in the morning

Consider these few situations that I face in life.

Scenario A
As I fill in the petrol in my bike at the station, I saw a young executive with his shining Honda at the next pump. I looked at his car, and I looked at my old worn out bike.
I started to feel bad.

Scenario B
As I have a casual chat with my friends, they started to share their exciting stories of getting a new car, or getting a six months bonus salary, or a plan to start business.
I looked at their ambitious stories, and I looked at my life.
I started to feel bad.

Scenario C
Using the free time that I have, I have been practicing my trumpet almost everyday. When I changed my embouchure to a better position, suddenly I failed to reach high notes. I tried again and again, and I can only manage to get high notes once in a while.
I started to feel bad.

At the surface, I feel that I am still stagnant, not progressing and not going anywhere, while the people around me are getting more advanced in their lives.

But as I look into it with the help of dear dear Z, there is actually something else that I don’t admit and I haven’t cleared up.

The bad feeling that I had is a way for me to invalidate myself and other people.
I label myself as being hopeless, and I envy other people beyond reason.
It’s a mindset of saying that other people are lucky and I am not.
And what I get from it is the attention that people give to me and I loved it.
I get people to babysit me, and I get to avoid being responsible in taking actions in my life, by using the reason that I am not as lucky, as good, as brainy and as competent as the others.

I am now willing to give that up.
And actually my life is not stagnant, and it’s not hopeless.
I have shifted from totally jobless towards having a part time job.

And as for my trumpet skills, I have shifted to a better embouchure, and lately after I patiently practiced long tones, I slowly could get my high notes easier.

It’s a big difference when you decide to take on being responsible in your life, no matter that there’s always the little voice trying to belittle your capabilities. Acknowledge and thank the little voice, and take actions.

Having given up all the inauthencity of my view in my life now,
I now create a possiblity of being appreciating life.

The next time I listen to a friend getting promoted,
I will appreciate and be excited with the enjoyment.

The next time I see a huge fat car next to my bike,
I will appreciate and feel the pride of the owner who deserved it.

And the next time I feel stuck with my trumpet progress,
I will appreciate that I've gotten somewhere. And I will go more and be unstoppable.

2 comments:

Bibik Nyonya said...

umm...ok lah...bagus gak...you practice lah....insya allah dapat main nanti...

::airswift:: said...

haiyor the comment so the high school girls.

it's like macam... best lah... lagu dia pun best...