i'm done kicking sand- time to wash my feet

Last Sunday, I had a chat with my mom and my brother.
They were urging me to try apply for other jobs.
And when my brother left the room, mom said two sentences to me,
Passing the concerns of my dad about me.

“You are already 26 years old, but you are still asking for money.
Your father is complaining about you.”


And those words just struck me inside.
I started to think inside me,
and I think really hard.
Instead of just being present and have a good time with my family,
I was distracted.
Inside the car, on the way back home,
I made a decision to stop asking for financial support and survive my life with my own money.

At the same time I felt that I am a burden, and I felt guilty that I still asked for money, although my father couldn’t afford it anymore.

While struggling with the guilt and shame inside, I was calculating my main expenditure and balance it with my existing salary.

I could see that my salary would only be enough to compensate with the minimum basics- very cheap food, apartment rental and bills, petrol for my bike, and fee for a minimum of two lessons with my trumpet tutor.

To stop asking money from my dad, I realized that I will have to give up everything that a working person would want to do.

It will be almost impossible for me to save money for a tv. Or for a short trip to Bangkok.
I will have to give up eating pizza, and eating at the mall.
I will even have to think a lot of times when I want to buy a new working shirt.

Guilt + Shame + The thought of giving up everything = I was really disempowered.

I tried telling myself not to be disempowered, but there and then, in the car, facing the window watching the rain outside, I cried as silently as I could.

I told myself not to be a kid- throwing a tantrum when I don’t get something, but at that moment, I felt like things are so harsh, and I chose to settle in my blind spot- remaining in my own point of view.

Yesterday night, as I was riding my bike, I was still contemplating with the same issue.
Suddenly my mind shifted!

If I am a burden and my father couldn’t afford me, why is he still giving me the money that I needed that night when he dropped me at my apartment?

If he couldn’t afford supporting his kids financially, why is he okay in giving money to my brother who doesn’t get any current income because he’s still giving his sweat to nurture his agricultural project?

Guilt, burden, can’t afford- that is actually OUT OF THE POINT.

I was so much in settling in this point of view, I did not see what's there beyond it.

My father is not complaining that he couldn’t afford me. He can afford me anytime.

He is just expressing his concerns to my mom,
Because he knows that by my age, he believes that I could do more.
He is just concerned that I am not shifting my gear to my maximum potential.

I now give up my context and I now choose to see the big picture.

Now I can choose to accept my salary and expense the way it is- because after all, dear dear Z said that all these will only be temporary and I am doing just fine.

It takes me to create that it’s temporary.
I now create that I will get a job with double amount of my current pay,
And I am directing myself to that.

So now, instead of seeing it as something that I have to struggle and survive with-
I would like to try on living and supporting my expense with my own money and see what comes out from that. Life is a game and experimenting is fun!

Bibiknyonya once told me:

At times, stress is good to make you move forward.

I now see that it doesn’t matter whether you like or hate the pressure being given to you in life; it will definitely give you the benefit of progress and power in life- if you give yourself a space to think.

I now see that I am always triggered by the small little things that my father says about me. Within just two or three sentences, I always view it as a huge lecture that make me feel worthless, and hopeless.

I’d never thought that I could choose to take his words profoundly- as a good advice from a concerned father. It doesn’t matter how the language would be- it only takes me to give up my existing view to it, and see it as something constructive.

I am at peace.
I am now taking on being responsible of the situation.
And I am empowered.

Time to put aside the crutches, and try on walking.

2 comments:

Bibik Nyonya said...

i really hope you are feeling better and able to handle things now. So sorry i'm not around with you in such crisis.

There are times where the situation makes us feel like giving up on life coz everything seems to be so messed up.

But always rememeber: What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

ZEYN said...

airswift,

Salam Aidiladha to you! :)