still standing there, kicking sand

Guess what I did on Sunday.

I went to Penang on a bus at 1 am with my first brother and went back at night on the same day. Chose to do that for my mom who wanted me to be there on my not-so-close cousin's wedding.

My family stayed at a decent home stay- thank goodness it was clean.

What I want to write here are the things that happened that day- which I find quite significant for me. At least it occurred to me that way. I feel awkward, happy, confronted, and in despair at the same time.

After more than ten years (almost 13 years) of cold war, my parents are in talking terms again. In fact, I can say that they are like newly weds. You know, how they talk softly to each other, resting on each other’s shoulder, something like that.

And well, of course my parents would now have the chance to share what they think about everything that they experienced under the sun- including me.

My mom passed me the concerns of my dad about me.

So, yeah, it’s a mixture of everything-
Awkward but happy for my parents for how they get along together,
Confused and in despair for listening about the concerns of my father. About me.

I guess I am sitting in my blind spot, making a lot of meaning of what I heard.
Perhaps what's blocking me now is my inner thoughts that I don't want to admit having it repeating subconciously somewhere there in my mind-

Am I worthless?
Am I incapable?
Am I a burden?

I can choose to jump out of this blind spot. But now at the time being, I guess I am still mingling in it.