Yeah, this is a so an overdue post. And a long one too.
At the eve of Eid-ul Adha, I followed my mom and my brothers to my dad's parents home in Muar.
In the morning when the atmosphere is so cool and serene, after coming back from prayers and mass at the nearby surau, I had a time together having a chat with mom. Shared with her about what I have discovered.
I did a track back on the journey of relationships in my life, and I have seen a lot. Few small but significant issues between me and the people close to me, had made myself shaped what I have become.
For the last few years, I have stayed with my close friends in the same house or hostel, and I could see that I get triggered when people reminded me on keeping things neat and respecting other individual’s space and property.
Instead of working on what they’ve said, I see them as being rash, not understanding, not empathic and not responsible to see my own view of it.
When they told me to tidy up my mess in the hall, I’ll get upset.
When they told me to keep my trumpet, I’ll get upset.
When they refuse to lend me their things, I’ll get upset.
And when I get upset- I’ll create a whole drama out of it, using thousands of reasons to justify that I am a “victim of my evil friends”, and things get ugly.
It goes on until I am so into making myself right and making them wrong- I even forgotten to use common sense to do such things, like saying sorry and wash the dishes after being told.
Fundamentally, this chain of repetitive incidents goes back to the relationship between me and my mom.
When I was small, she threw my Ken doll into the dustbin and the doll’s foot got scratched so badly.
So I labeled her being rash, not understanding, not empathic and not responsible.
Ultimately, I see that-
I don’t like to be told.
I am running away from the fear of being in charge of the situation.
Subconsciously, I was actually not being complete with the experience of these repetitive incidents.
True that this day I am a person who is taking the responsibility of being a neat and well arranged person, and I love having my apartment look nice-
But that is just a part of the drama I have created on my own.
I was actually seeking revenge.
Once I am a neat and well organized person,
Now I have the chance to scold and invalidate my housemates if they start to make a mess anywhere in the house.
All this while I was being inauthentic and I had created a huge notion in my life-
I don’t like to be told and I will seek revenge when I can prove that I could do better.
And of course if am I being told again, I will not be responsible to it.
And this way of being has been applied everywhere, including to the part where indirectly “I don’t like to be told” by my father to be in control with my financial and career parts in my life.
The impact of it:
I will always be stuck with it,
I won’t be sincere with the intention of anything that I’m doing.
Who knows that even my success is a reflection of my revenge-
for not liking to be told off by people.
I have now given all these up, and I took the action of completing with all the people that I had those incidents with in the past. That includes my mom.
It opened up a chance for me to be with them, and to have them say what they want to say, to see their feelings, and also, to acknowledge them for all their contribution and support in my life.
It was an experience.
Now I can see and appreciate people’s point of view.
Now I can be sincere in my actions and take advice in a constructive way.
I will always have that “I don’t like to be told” being,
But it’s okay, I can always now be aware and put that aside.