that painful feeling in the tummy

 Just like the months before,

After paying all my commitments for the month, there it comes again, that painful sore in my gut.

All it came when I witness my bank balance went down to only RM600, and I still have 30 days to go.

And this time it is worse because I do not have extra to submit into my retirement savings, as I have paid RM600 to replace my mom's water filter cartridge, and her vitamin Cs.

I have also spent RM140 on cat food, and RM70 for flowers for two friends' birthday.

Logically, I am back to square one. Logically I am fucking broke just like for the past 10 years.

Expenses are still high, and I have an extra useless apartment to pay which nobody stays.

All in all, I sound like a broken record.

I have vowed to myself once I step into the investors' intensive 5 months program, I shall change my being, my limited belief.

Believing in the unseen.

No matter what circumstances that I am facing today, it has NOTHING to do with my amazing unbelievable future.

Acting above the line.

I shall NOT blame the people around me or put them responsible to my circumstances now. The decision I chose yesterday have shaped my current situation(s) today.

I am my own rescue. I DO NOT NEED YOU TO RESCUE ME.

Doing something different.

I have shared this same damned issue to people who are closest to me, and I have decided that the conversations and feedback deemed useless. I am not blaming them, it is MY DECISION. Maybe their advice could be true, but after so many times recieving the same advice and I do not find them work for me- I shall STOP complaining to them and start take ownership of my own life. 

Stop asking permission.

I decide that my journey now is leading me towards my dream future,

I am successful, I am powerful, I am resourceful, I am hot, attractive, fit and healthy.

I am letting go that today I cannot scrape some from my salary balance for my savings.

So what if there is no salary balance for savings, and so what if it is RM600 left?

So it is how it is. What new scary thrilling game will I create to get that RM1000 for my savings this month?

I now STOP feeling sorry or feeling painful in the gut for my life. 

I shall be unstoppable. Because the resource is from within me.

I turn this fear into FIERCE.

I turn this sad into ANGER.

And this fierce and anger will fuel up my actions.

Empowerment, fluffy joy and inspiration? No, no, no.

This time let me be an angry tiger.

InshaAllah I will be doing just great.

As for the useless apartment? Let me find a time to make it useful, for sale or for rent.

One fucking thing at a time.

p/s: two investors need to be registered now, they are waiting!

And excuse my grammar, I am just typing out from my mind, sorry, no time to waste on petty grammar mistakes. DONE.