bla bla bla while i am hungry.

There are always times when I am fickled minded.

I was going back from swimming just now, only a few metres to enter the gates of my apartment, when suddenly I just turned my bike away and went back to the road; because I am hungry.

And then when I was following my instinct to decide where to eat, I ended up here in the cyber cafe; simply because it's just on the way.

And it's so wrong timing for me to browse the net right now, instead of browsing for food.

But then.
It is ALWAYS the case that it's wrong timing for me to type a blog entry, but what the heck.

I noticed that some people visited my blog lately only to see that it is collecting dust, again.
I MUST POST SOMETHING to fulfil the needs of hungry blog readers. Begitu!

Anyway.
Last weekend, I followed Z to have a karaoke get together with his mates in an old place in Ampang. Apparently all the friends are three pairs of straight couples (three straight girls with their three straight guys); and one single straight kid (he is a brother of one of the straight girls.).

After settling my butt on the couch and settling myself with the ambience of a karaoke setting in the eighties (because it existed SINCE the eighties), I decided to choose some songs, with the help of Z (because it's kinda tricky to use an 80's-karaoke-song-selection-system).

Of course I would DIRECTLY go to my favorite female singer collection because I always have fun singing them.

And then out of no where, my dear dear Z said.
"Pilih lah lagu yang jantan sedikit".
(translation: Please choose more manly songs this time.)

Whoa.

It really turned my mood off just in one split second.
I froze, and then I moved away from the computer, trying not to really show that I was mad.
I decided not to sing at all.


1001 thoughts came through my mind:

--How come you were fine the last few times I sang less than manly @ faggot songs and we had fun?

--Are you ashamed of being with me?

--Is it worth that I go here just to sing stuff that I hate?


And it goes on and on...

So I kept quiet, not wanting to say things that I regret.
Z noticed, and he decided to just let me sing whatever that I wanted to sing.

And then he said, he feared that the straight friends would think differently and refer me as a queen for singing such songs.

And then it just hit me.

I realized why all these while I tried to avoid straight crowds,
and why I am always quiet when I have to meet them.

Because I cared too much that they are too different.
Because I cared too much what they might think of me.
Because I cared too much that all my actions seem weird.

I was too long being in my comfort zone.
I was so being in a place where I won't be judge, and I mingled with all my dear friends,
I forgotten that I used to face and deal with a lot of bad words being thrown at me.

I was actually used to be the person who would not care less.

I myself would set up my own rules and boundaries of what can I do to be presentable and and what I shouldn't do to not to offend people, in the straight, straight world.

And what Z said was just something that shouldn't have made me upset.

I got off my anger within a split second, just like how it started.

It was a shame that as I was contemplating with my own thoughts before I got off the anger, it gave the straight couples ABUNDANT time to choose all the typical local rock bands for them to sing.

Those typical howling ones with deafening rock guitars.

Gosh. Faux pas. At least fifteen straight-ish songs for us to bear with.

But they really enjoyed themselves though.

So I have decided to slip in the song that I wanted to sing.

Eventhough it was getting late and I had only got the chance to sing only one song,
I have learnt something.

I'm me. Live with it.

And guess what?

The one straight kid that I thought was straight, was a straight cover up.
He sang Mariah Carey, high pitched.

Period.

4 comments:

Bibik Nyonya said...

senang jer.....next time you sing "its raining men" full of jantan the video clip ha ha ha!

zacharoo! said...

Honey, I’m glad you got off it and took on to learn something from there.

Call it etiquette or manners, but ultimately, we can take responsibility for our actions on how it lands on other people, especially if they are of a different world. Things that we say, actions that we do, may seem absolutely perfect in our world, but may have different impact on others. There’s nothing wrong about it. It’s just the way things are.

What’s possible, in taking responsibility like this, you can fit in any crowd, and in any circumstance, with ease, grace and comfort, while knowing who you are, and honouring and respecting others as is.

Love you for that.

lyana said...

since when are you scared of being who you are? you are the confident diva you know..opps! ;)

::airswift:: said...

bibs:

hello, that time i did not wear my pvc sub pants you know. not suitable.

zach:

you were only just reminding me just in case i got carried away, or i went over the border line. i love you for that.

lyana:

oh, no-no-no. bibiknyonya is the queen of confidence okay. i lari dulu ye.