resistance to blog?

After a while I got scared to type anything for this journal.

Perhaps at the outer layer I feel like there’s nothing good for me to write,
But maybe it’s just my defensive inner layer which prohibited me from writing what my little voice in my head complaining lately.

This is the story of how my little voice is describing my life now:

Life is confusing. In other words, life sucks.

Yeah, I have little pay with a little part time job in the morning, and I go home after that practicing my trumpet and studying accounts which feels like getting to no where. And it makes me feel more confused when I try drawing graphic using my computer, pretending that I could work as a designer but I am just fooling myself.

As I am typing this, now I realized that my defensive little voice was stopping me from writing because it doesn’t want me to blurt out all the discouraging thoughts that I have. Why? Because if I type them down, I definitely know, someway I can clear them up and see what I can do about it.

And my little voice is trying to convince me that if I type such things;

People won’t read my journal anymore.
People would think I am writing nonsense.

But so what? It doesn’t matter. The first person to get the benefit of today’s posting should be my own self.

Let’s get back to my life.

Life right now is how it is right now,
Because I actually chose it to be the way it is.

I got a part time job which took just a little of my time in the morning,
Because I choose to have a lot of free time that no one ever imagined they could have.
I could have extended my working hours but I refused to.

Little hours means little pay, yeah,
but I chose not to give up the free time that I have. Not now, at least.

I chose the free time partly because I want to study some basic in accounts.
Why learning accounts?
Lately that’s one of the popular requirements to get an administration job with good pay.

That would lead to another question.
Friends are suggesting for me to get enrolled in any established accounts certificate class. By that, my studying has a clear purpose and I would have a proven certificate to show in my resume.

What is stopping me now from doing that?

There might be a lot of reasons.
I still want to hold on to that text book that I bought and finish studying that book first.
I am not willing to leave my laid back free time and take action to get myself registered into a real accounts class.
I am just scared of leaving my comfort zone. And my pretty text book.

But if I don’t get into class I won’t get a certificate.
It would be less advantage for me in order to get a job.
If I don’t get a job that fast, I won’t be able to get much money that fast.
When I don’t get much money that fast, I can’t afford having a trumpet tutor that fast.
And no one would kick my butt to go towards Yong Siew Toh.

Darned. It’s so obvious, but I am still not taking actions.

The little voice in me is grunting and moaning and kicking the floor so hard.
It is shouting, “I dowan to go to class. I dowan to go to class.”

Ah, well.
I had just phone texted mom to hurry her to ask her friends if they know any available accounts class.

First action already taken. A small pat for me.


lyana said...

dear, whatever you do, pour all your heart and soul into it, and work hard towards achieveing it.

don't give up okey?

am soo proud of you when i listened to what you have to say last night. it's a good start, now, act it out, and yes, dear, you will be successful.

stay vogue! ;)

Bibik Nyonya said...

Hmm....having said all that, I'm pretty sure you know what you want in life and means to achieve it. Now all you gotta do is just to make things happen.

Time waits for no one. Every single day delayed makes the dream a notch harder to reach.

::airswift:: said...

actually it's not that hard as it seem to be.

just be determined and take actions; apart of having people around me reminding me about my possiblities, whether i like it or not.

and once i've reached my aim, i would be wondering how the heck did i go through to get there. :)