definition of one

As what my close friends already knew, my family is a colorful one. Any labels can be put on it- a wrecked family, with my parents not getting along well, and my siblings who have their different stories and disciplinary cases.

I always say that I am fine with it; after all, I am just doing well now. I am saying that I have no issues with my family- but it’s just my survival action of living.

If I say that I am totally okay with my family-
How come I got used to visit my mom only once in a month, or even less than that?
How come I decided to stop communicating with my brother for years?
How come I always get this disgust and envy when I see my close friends loving their parents so dearly?

I realized that I did not choose my family the way it is and the way it isn’t.
As a human, I inclined myself towards blaming the members of my family for what they did that lead to the condition of the family now.
I expect them to be like an ideal family- with no fights and differences.
To me, a united family is a family which has peace all through the year.

It’s so shocking when I discovered that this has given me an impact in my life.
I ran away by getting close with my friends around me.
I choose to have close friends but I did not choose my family.
I could have BOTH my friends and my family, but I didn’t choose that.

By expecting my family to be an ideal no argument family, I expect that my friends should be the same way.
I continue on giving full effort in having different group of friends to know each other, which is good-
But at the same time I expect that they should be always comfortable among each other, be close, and attend all the events together regardless of each other’s differences.
That’s my definition of being united.

Tonight I’ve realized that by being this way, it cost me from living my life gracefully with all the close friends and the family that I have.

I experienced multiple frustrations that I kept to myself, whenever friends refuse to have gatherings between different groups. I label them as being prejudice, and narrow minded.

Guess what?
The thing that you hate about people is reflecting on your own self.
I myself have been prejudice to a few friends, who actually helped me a lot in my life.
I did not accept their uniqueness, and I did not choose them the way they are.
I caused my other friends to hold gatherings, without including them in the event.

An incident recently made me rethink my being in my whole life again.

Initially a plan has been made to celebrate a friend’s birthday at a restaurant in a mall.
The plan was changed as another friend offered to host it at his apartment.
My friend, the host, wasn’t at all prepared for a huge gathering.
He preferred a close gathering among friends in the same group, and there’s nothing wrong at all with that.

Instead of taking it as a normal situation, analyzing it and do what works-
I fall into the same pattern of being upset, but this time I did not keep it to myself.
My reaction was shocking-

I sent him phone messages telling him that he discriminates his friends.
And when he called to explain-
I bellowed at him with the tone of anger and huge disappointment.

He was the victim of my own upset that I created my own self.

It was ugly, and he is still trying to recuperate from it. In fact, I never remembered yelling at him before.

It was just a small miscommunication, and there was nothing wrong at the beginning.
It’s just natural when people get uncomfortable and avoid gatherings of different groups at certain times and situations.
It’s just natural for people to avoid meeting some other people, because they feel uncomfortable.
It doesn’t mean that people should adore other people’s differences to respect it.

I had fallen into my own expectation that friends that I know should get along well and always literally be together; in order to be united.

And when in reality that did not happen;

I blame myself as a huge failure of not able to have my friends united.

I made life is wrong, and I made it mean that my friends are not united,
And subconsciously it reminds me of the thoughts at the back of my head that my own family is not united.

Everything breaks into pieces.
I went down into a very horrible upset.
And that’s when I went and shouted at my friend, breaking his heart.

You see,
The whole thing that you read above is just a drama I have created in my life.
My family is already whole and perfect.
This year, one by one, I have already completed myself with my brother, mom and my dad.
I discovered that when I put away the barriers of communication between me and my family-
I see that my family managed to go through a lot of challenges in life, and it still stays intact and united.
It was just my perception that it is not.
There was one evening after I am free from giving all the judgments-
I felt bliss and peace when I see that all the members of my family were happy talking among each other as they laze around in the house that beautiful evening.

The same goes to my friends;
They are from different groups,
And they are already whole and perfect.

Now I stand on being committed to have my friends united-
But I don’t have to be attached with it, and I don’t have to expect them the way I expect them to be. They are just the way they are and there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t have to fix them at all. There is nothing to be fixed.

I declare that I have given up my upset.

And to you my dear friend,
Whom I was being rude at,
I am really sorry for what I have done.
The intention was everybody to have a good time,
And you successfully brought the joy to the guests at your place.
I know you need time and space right now,
Just letting you to know that I don’t mind waiting.
It’s okay- you can have all the time that you need.


Anonymous said...

No one is perfect in this world. Humans are born to make mistakes and we must learn from mistakes.

Toddlers who learn how to walk at first will stand and walk unsteadily and eventually fall on their butt. But do they give up walking? No. After crying, they try to stand up again and again and again.

It's because adults hold too much grudges and regrets and hatred in our mind that we forget how to let go of the past and learn it again to be better.

There is no family who doesn't argue because each individual is different from all aspects. Even twins will never have the same fingerprint pattern.

Just look at your own hands, every finger is different in length and size but do we cut those which are short? Of course not. We learn how to hold things and pick up stuff with our fingers when we're babies.

Same goes with family, every member of a family is different, just like our fingers. We have to learn how to live together under one roof.

Afterall, we only live ONCE. So why not make the best out of it? Here's wishing you all the best in your life.

ketua unit ict said...

We didn't celebrate the birthday boy. Instead, it was small gathering where we had buka puasa together. Everyone brought their own food and we shared it all. After semayang maghrib, everyone was get prepared and excited to watch the 'koleksi terkini video larangan'. And even they copied them all! We didnt really plan for the buka puasa to be as 'sambut harijadi'. In fact, I saved the birthday cake for me and housemate to celebrate at our own apartment.

And i really felt sorry for the initial plan to berbuka at Midvali wasn't going well. I tot it was on Saturday becoz 'we' normally seldom hangout together on sunday. Everyone prefers to be at their own place on sunday since we start working on monday.

I guess everyone now is cool with what had happened. Maybe you didn't get the term of 'our very close' and 'friends'. Everyone has 'friends' but only a few are 'close' friends. Maybe 'close friends' to that person, but not the others( paham tak apa aku cakap ni? pening pulak aku baca ayat aku ni). I hope you get the idea, ya.

Just to let you know that we are really happy to hear you've got a good decent job recenlty, and amazed by the way you confront and handle any problem. And guess what, the most that really proud of you is that they way you think something in different perspective of positive ways. We are really impressed! It means a lot not only to me but to the others as well. All i can say, you make the others proud, trust me!

::airswift:: said...

thanks so much people.
words like these, give a lot of courage to people.
and i'll try my best to live my life with a punch :)