here. we go. again.

I have to admit that there is an uneasy feeling in my chest right now. Darned. Maybe there is actually some kind of feeling inside that I haven’t given up.

Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Nah. Still got bad feeling inside. Must vent it out.

Anyway. What happened?

Saying it in short, my siblings and my mom discovered my old letters, telling the past about my gay teens.

I know it’s my carelessness of leaving things behind.

Mental note: Do not trust anybody when it comes to your private stuff.
Before you can twirl and say “I am gay and the world becomes less gay without me”,
Your private photos are spread around the globe. Just look at poor Edison Chen.


This is the first phone message that I got when I opened my eyes in the morning.
I even had no chance to make cereal drink and lean against the table like a diva, and say “Ah, life is good when you drink Brand X”.

This is not an exact verbatim of the message, but it goes this way:

You have malu-fied me and your siblings with your old letters.
Are you still doing sinful things which will cause God’s wrath?
Life is not once, like some people out there think.
There is an after life.
You are still being around with those who don’t have conscience.

Matilah.. you all don’t have conscience katanya.

I can see that there is a repetitive predictable future in this novel called “My Life”.

Mom found something fishy.
Mom goes panicky and mom will advise.
Son tries to comfort and son keeps it down.
Life became at peace again.

(repeat infinity times)

Should I continue this ballet, twirling around in a melancholic expression, feeling bad and feeling guilty and feeling that life is unfair and then at the end sing the song “Oh God you are so unfair, I didn’t ask to like men”?

Enough. Did that ballet for eight years. Got tired.

The truth is, I am gay and that won’t change.
The truth is, mom is against it, for the faith of God, and the religion, because that’s the ultimate thing in life.

And the mini-truth for the moment is, my letters have been discovered.
Like, ooh, we found scriptures from our excavation telling that this mummy is sinful.
Let’s put that on Discovery Channel.

Well, there are millions of civilized straight people out there who hold onto the slogan “being gay is totally unacceptable”.

How do the gays act to this?

Some gays choose to conform and choose to change to be straight.
Some gays succeed, some gays failed.
Some gays tried (like me), but at the end they remain gay.
The rest, they couldn’t be bothered.

What do I see?
I understand that the holy Koran says something about being gay.
I also see that God has made me gay, unchangeable.
For straight people who believe that there’s a way for change,
I believe that’s crap.
There’s only one thing that I believe could change me-
God’s willingness to change my sexuality.
He gave me this and I accepted it.
Nothing wrong about what He gave.

Putting all the longwinding menceceh of the above,
Knowing that my letters are already excavated,
What can I do now? (Uh-oh, that’s THE question).

Well, the first step is to give up making myself wrong. And give up making my mom wrong. And give up making the situation wrong, and also don’t even think about blaming God. Things happen, and it happened.

And mom did that just because she cared, and she's just worried.
I'm fine nevertheless. I love my life that God gave me.

God has His mysterious ways. There must be something lying behind all these.

From here, I can do any action by being at peace and for the love of my family.

p/s: Darned. I still have bits and pieces of that uncomfortable feeling. Looks like I am trying to runaway from the problem rather than dealing with it. Any ideas on what to do?


ZEYN said...


that's part and parcel of being gay...having your family discover your "best kept secrets".

and you're exactly right - just say nothing about it. i've been in this situation of yours several times.

it's what you have that bonds you with your loved ones, not what you are.

::airswift:: said...

anyway they're starting to speak to me already.

i'll take that as a good sign.

ZEYN said...


they'd be a foolish bunch if they choose to not speak to you. pardon my language.

have a great weekend. :)