close book and open a new one

Like most loyal readers of this blog would know, on 23rd December 2008, I lost almost all my friends, which I’ve got to be with for years. I’ve done some very huge blunders, and the response was anger, frustration and eventually isolation, by these people who were dear to me.

The cause of it was me having the access to speak up my thoughts, and this ability is actually a tool that could lead to good or bad.

Difficult for me to dig into this issue again, but I will have to deal with it bravely, so that I will finally seal the book of the past even though I would never be in the list of their good books. After all, by me trying not to think about it will always lead me to think about it again. And again. And again.

I feel loneliness, wishing that it all never happened.

And one night dear-dear Z reminded me something.

Subconsciously, I am doing this over and over again to myself,
because there is a hidden pay off that I get from it.
At first I didn’t see it, but when I think hard,
I actually could speculate that by continuously mourning being alone and what not,
I could seek sympathy, and I could get attention.
I am actually dominating the people who listen to me!

All this sadness, loneliness, come from my inside.
I’m the one who is upset. I created it again and again.
Everyone else is fine, and they are happy with their lives.

In fact, if I say that I am all alone, that is so not true.
I’ve got wonderful friends around me.
I kept on dreading to the past, I forgot all about the future.
I need to nurture the existing valuable relationships that I’ve already got.

It’s not fair for me to continuously compare and contrast between the future and the past.
Even one of my nicest friends said,
“We don’t need to remind you all the time that you’re not alone.”

We are humans and there is always that little voice trying to justify and judge, and drag us to negativity and make us upset again. We can just give up that feeling again.

My wise former colleague told me-
"True, this is a good lesson for you to see on how you can improve yourself,
but perhaps this phase is meant to happen. It's a huge shift to move you forward from being stuck at the same recurring situations, bringing you into a new realm and future."

So now I forgive myself for being what I was since before 23rd December 2008.
I forgive the past and I forgive everyone.

One question I asked myself-
If there is a spark of new kinderness between me and the people of my past,
What should I do? Should I feel uncomfortable and pull myself away, remembering the painful yesterday?
I’ve concluded that it should be a new beginning. It’s a new relationship, no more related to the past.

“Let the conflict end within you”
-from the Thailand epic, Queen of Langkasuka

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