It seems that every night I am presented with a different interesting dream just before I woke up for my morning meditation around 430am.
This time it was me, riding a superbike. I was stopped at a tunnel which is also a bridge, something that they have in Putrajaya, crossing the lake.
It felt like I fell of my bike when the authorities forced me to get down from my bike. I had to walk to the other end of the bridge and there was somebody who suggested me to get back my bike. And then there was a small scene where I went and buy a face mask at the news stand, realising that I didn't wear one and there were so many people there.
Ignore what is the underlying message of the dream, I can see my brain is trying to purge whatever experiences that I got that evening before I went to bed.
One very kind man in our office, passed away after his battle with Covid.
He was one of my colleagues who gave me unconditional respect everytime he saw me, regardless that I am way younger than him, and I was a newbie. He greets me with a nod, almost like a bow, with this surprising respect, unnecessary calls me "sir", as if I am a prince from a faraway kingdom. That priceless feeling of being important, I thank you for that.
In the afternoon, I was bugged by the fact that the curtain rod in my room fell off, allowing an uncomfortable extra of light and nakedness feeling from the window. I tried to heat up the old glue on the hook that I pasted on the wall to hang the curtain rod. It fell again a few times.
I went out to buy super glue and was looking for four panels for sheer curtains, in the hopes for a new look for my two windows, and to lessen the weight compared to the thick cotton cottons that I have.
I managed to find and sneaked purchased two panels. Another two, I search high and low in other branches of the same Mr. DIY shop. I finally found another two, and they denied me because of a valid reason: it was not an essential product during the lockdown.
I was fumed inside. I wanted to curse. To me, this IS essential, but to the world it is NOT.
I went back and tried to stick back the hook with the superglue. For now, it worked.
I tried on using just one sheer curtain panel for each window.
It was just okay, looked like a window screen rather than real curtains, because one panel had to be stretched flat to cover one whole window.
All this fuss, plus the vacuuming of the floor, and me assuming that my investment drill program was going to start at half an hour later than it was supposed to be, has caused me to become late.
One of the mentors called me, and I went in, 8 minutes late.
So of course there is a long lecture on me inside the session about attending late and also a discussion of me not fullfiling my promise to confirm on my program assignment buddy earlier.
When I am late, I do not have integrity.
When it is perpetual, I have no dignity.
When I don't be my promise, I lose trust.
I don't want to fan things, but it feels SUCKS.
Yesterday sucks, and I am allowing it to infect my feelings this morning.
And I am aware that I am playing below the line; blame, excuse, and being disempowered.
Being aware and honoring my feelings now is at least a step, I guess.
For now I just want to sleep.
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