So many things been heard.
So many things I have read.
So many incomplete things, unfairness and
So many groups are not satisfied.
A friend told me it's not safe to buy a house right now,
because the politic scene is worried as to be unstable.
Am I worrying too much? I can't deny that.
But as I was riding my bike and looking at all the flags being exhibited everywhere;
I had this fuzzy feeling inside.
Am I the only one left feeling that way?
But-
This is the country
Where I could sip my drink outside the coffee shop, instead of running into the woods to survive the war
This is the place
Where I could swim freely, watch concerts and enjoy life, instead of finding shelter after a huge earthquake disaster
This is the place
Where I could walk hand in hand with my friends of ANY race
Without being scared and being judged.
This is the land
Where I experience life, appreciating difference- after all, we are all the same.
Despite thre's another nation's red and white flag hanging on my bedroom door-
I could choose to stick with this hidden detest towards my own country;
or I could choose to love my country for what it is and what it is not.
I now decide to choose the latter.
From there,
I could really appreciate all that we've got here.
And for all the things that is lacking in the country,
I would react just like the rest who care-
nothing else but for the love of the country.
I pray for the peace of the nation, now and years and years and years to come.
my camera phone shots
remnants after a tree trimmed;
gazebo subang
colorful spiral stairs;
bugis street singapore
huge street market;
bugis street singapore
by the window;
dental clinic where i work
a small boy's grudge
I am sure that there are times when we all would be reactivated by certain occurrence in life. We are humans and we have feelings.
I want to share my interesting small experience which would bring me a significant lesson in life.
I was with my close friends and bibik was around, so we were talking about stuff like teachers, and students, and anything between them.
Suddenly I blurt out one long lost memory that actually I kept inside my mind.
I was 14 back then, and it was English class. The teacher was one of those temporary teachers, and he asked the students to act different kind of sports games in front of the class.
I was asked to 'swing the tennis racket' and I did. After that he told me to really swing it; instead of swirling my arms like a fag.
The whole class laughed, and I took it badly.
The next few weeks, there was this occasion for clubs and societies in school where we will meet the respective teachers to grant us merit points from our contribution.
I had to meet the same teacher who was the advisor for the school orchestra, and he refused to give me merit points because I forgotten the name of a senior member of the orchestra. I admit that I am bad in remembering names and dates, but I was the first trumpeter and I performed in a lot of functions in the orchestra.
Regardless that these two situations seem to be meaningless, I hold the grudge inside me towards the teacher.
So after I told the story to my friends as we sip our Milo and Nescafe at the mamak restaurant, what happened was that everyone was topping up my story with their own stories, and their stories were more interesting than mine.
From there, I make it mean that my friends are invalidating my feelings, my points, and I make it mean that they are saying that I am talking nonsense.
I was saying to myself, I am fed up with friends around me trying to say that they are greater survivors and always trying to top up their stories with mine.
Immediately I replied with a really furious tone; saying that I do not want to compare their stories with mine and my point was that whatever actions to be made, teachers should think of the impact their actions would give towards the students.
A few days later, I realized that my response to that conversation was just me being reactivated. It's human to get reactivated, but often than not, it doesn't work to be reactivated if I want to be powerful in my life.
I discovered that when I said that my friends are trying to belittle me, actually I was the one who invalidated them. They were just sharing their own stories.
I discovered that I was being responsible in making the conversation to be an argument, because of myself being reactivated.
Of course I was going along with my possibility of being transparent because I directly said what I wanted to say, but it went against my possibility of being peaceful.
I was responsible for not trying to make the conversation to cause a difference.
When I looked deeply into it, what that teacher did to me, it was something that caused the impact at that only particular moment. What he said to me wasn't something that could give me any damage now, and even if it does, it is my responsibility to choose whether I want it to affect me now, or not.
He was a temporary teacher with less experience and he was just trying to build up the students' character in his own ways.
And even if what he did annoyed me, it reflects back on the same thing what I did to people.
What you hate people doing to you is the same thing that you hate about yourself.
Sounds difficult to believe? Not really.
When I thought about it, suddenly I remembered that I did the same thing to an orchestra student, only two years back.
In front of the whole orchestra, I told off the student that his flute playing is terrible, similar to that of a primary school's capabilities. Perhaps my point was to have him really get my message, but I am responsible in how my words land onto him, and how would he feel in public.
So now I choose to learn the lesson from it, and get complete with it, and I choose to put the past neatly where it belongs.
And friends;
Sorry for invalidating you guys; again. Ooops.
I want to share my interesting small experience which would bring me a significant lesson in life.
I was with my close friends and bibik was around, so we were talking about stuff like teachers, and students, and anything between them.
Suddenly I blurt out one long lost memory that actually I kept inside my mind.
I was 14 back then, and it was English class. The teacher was one of those temporary teachers, and he asked the students to act different kind of sports games in front of the class.
I was asked to 'swing the tennis racket' and I did. After that he told me to really swing it; instead of swirling my arms like a fag.
The whole class laughed, and I took it badly.
The next few weeks, there was this occasion for clubs and societies in school where we will meet the respective teachers to grant us merit points from our contribution.
I had to meet the same teacher who was the advisor for the school orchestra, and he refused to give me merit points because I forgotten the name of a senior member of the orchestra. I admit that I am bad in remembering names and dates, but I was the first trumpeter and I performed in a lot of functions in the orchestra.
Regardless that these two situations seem to be meaningless, I hold the grudge inside me towards the teacher.
So after I told the story to my friends as we sip our Milo and Nescafe at the mamak restaurant, what happened was that everyone was topping up my story with their own stories, and their stories were more interesting than mine.
From there, I make it mean that my friends are invalidating my feelings, my points, and I make it mean that they are saying that I am talking nonsense.
I was saying to myself, I am fed up with friends around me trying to say that they are greater survivors and always trying to top up their stories with mine.
Immediately I replied with a really furious tone; saying that I do not want to compare their stories with mine and my point was that whatever actions to be made, teachers should think of the impact their actions would give towards the students.
A few days later, I realized that my response to that conversation was just me being reactivated. It's human to get reactivated, but often than not, it doesn't work to be reactivated if I want to be powerful in my life.
I discovered that when I said that my friends are trying to belittle me, actually I was the one who invalidated them. They were just sharing their own stories.
I discovered that I was being responsible in making the conversation to be an argument, because of myself being reactivated.
Of course I was going along with my possibility of being transparent because I directly said what I wanted to say, but it went against my possibility of being peaceful.
I was responsible for not trying to make the conversation to cause a difference.
When I looked deeply into it, what that teacher did to me, it was something that caused the impact at that only particular moment. What he said to me wasn't something that could give me any damage now, and even if it does, it is my responsibility to choose whether I want it to affect me now, or not.
He was a temporary teacher with less experience and he was just trying to build up the students' character in his own ways.
And even if what he did annoyed me, it reflects back on the same thing what I did to people.
What you hate people doing to you is the same thing that you hate about yourself.
Sounds difficult to believe? Not really.
When I thought about it, suddenly I remembered that I did the same thing to an orchestra student, only two years back.
In front of the whole orchestra, I told off the student that his flute playing is terrible, similar to that of a primary school's capabilities. Perhaps my point was to have him really get my message, but I am responsible in how my words land onto him, and how would he feel in public.
So now I choose to learn the lesson from it, and get complete with it, and I choose to put the past neatly where it belongs.
And friends;
Sorry for invalidating you guys; again. Ooops.
8 random facts about me
I was tagged by bibik to post this.
I'm not gonna follow the rules though, because all the people that I have in mind to tag has already been tagged.
Fact Number 1
More often than not, I would type my postings in Microsoft Words before having them posted online. The purpose is to make sure that my spellings and grammar would be checked by default. At least I won't be spelling the word "definitely" like other people do- "definately"!
Pooop! I run first to Taman Negara and hide there scared people throw me a burning torch wait. But anyway; I am now typing without using Words, so esscussse my Ingrish ya.
Fact Number 2
I ALWAYS tidy up my bed when I leave my room. If I am really in a rush, I would just arrange my pillows neatly, fold the blanket clumsily and pull the comforter at the ends to make it look neat. But when I am having a fever- the room would look like as if I brought a drug addict in. Pillows kicked all over the place; water bottles on the computer table; and smelly shorts everywhere.
Fact Number 3
I listen to walkmans since I was thirteen.
Starting from a huge cassette player the size of a handbag (that I proudly clipped on my belt, oh my gawd), I changed to different types of walkman. Now I got myself a walkman phone!
The chronicles of my walkman belongings:
Huge fat ass cassette player - another huge one - one high tech digital use only one battery; which was robbed from me during night before Merdeka - another few cassette players - Discman - another two CD players - one MD player which was borrowed and lost - three mp3 players - one walkman phone which was stolen - and finally now a better walkman phone.
You add the cost of buying the whole collection can sum up to buy a whole ship of gula-gula asamboi sweets.
Fact Number 4
Both my tiniest toe nails have already split to two parts. Permanent damage. Irreversable.
Fact Number 5
I am allergic to all clothing material except cotton.
Especially when it comes to briefs. But that ain't stopping me from buying the fancy ones. Only that I will suffer itchyness in silence lah. *scratch scratch*
Oh but the worst one? That is to wear pants made of WOOL. They look like normal cotton pants, my father hand it down to me. Oh my gawd, I was really itchy it felt like there were bamboo leaves stuffed inside!
Fact Number 6
Besides that I am now declaring myself allergic to cili, and hot spicey food.
Two days ago I ate laksa which is supposed to be harmless, but my throat felt a bit swollen. It got worse, and I had fever; and I had to skip work for two days.
Do not offer me hot food- I poke the cili into your eyes and nose.
Fact Number 7
I am scared of cockroaches, and all critters which have more than four feet. That includes crabs, and prawns, and butterflies. No excuse!! Okay butterflies are pretty, but don't put 'em near me. I became blue last time when I had to enter this butterfly farm. My gawd, it's like a torture chamber you know! I can high five with Sponge Bob Square Pants because he is scared of butterflies too.
Fact Number 8
I can be highly caffeinated by... tea.
Don't even mention coffee. That would make my eyes pop out.
Fact Number 9
I'm prettier than Bibik.
Muahahahahahahaha....
I'm not gonna follow the rules though, because all the people that I have in mind to tag has already been tagged.
Fact Number 1
More often than not, I would type my postings in Microsoft Words before having them posted online. The purpose is to make sure that my spellings and grammar would be checked by default. At least I won't be spelling the word "definitely" like other people do- "definately"!
Pooop! I run first to Taman Negara and hide there scared people throw me a burning torch wait. But anyway; I am now typing without using Words, so esscussse my Ingrish ya.
Fact Number 2
I ALWAYS tidy up my bed when I leave my room. If I am really in a rush, I would just arrange my pillows neatly, fold the blanket clumsily and pull the comforter at the ends to make it look neat. But when I am having a fever- the room would look like as if I brought a drug addict in. Pillows kicked all over the place; water bottles on the computer table; and smelly shorts everywhere.
Fact Number 3
I listen to walkmans since I was thirteen.
Starting from a huge cassette player the size of a handbag (that I proudly clipped on my belt, oh my gawd), I changed to different types of walkman. Now I got myself a walkman phone!
The chronicles of my walkman belongings:
Huge fat ass cassette player - another huge one - one high tech digital use only one battery; which was robbed from me during night before Merdeka - another few cassette players - Discman - another two CD players - one MD player which was borrowed and lost - three mp3 players - one walkman phone which was stolen - and finally now a better walkman phone.
You add the cost of buying the whole collection can sum up to buy a whole ship of gula-gula asamboi sweets.
Fact Number 4
Both my tiniest toe nails have already split to two parts. Permanent damage. Irreversable.
Fact Number 5
I am allergic to all clothing material except cotton.
Especially when it comes to briefs. But that ain't stopping me from buying the fancy ones. Only that I will suffer itchyness in silence lah. *scratch scratch*
Oh but the worst one? That is to wear pants made of WOOL. They look like normal cotton pants, my father hand it down to me. Oh my gawd, I was really itchy it felt like there were bamboo leaves stuffed inside!
Fact Number 6
Besides that I am now declaring myself allergic to cili, and hot spicey food.
Two days ago I ate laksa which is supposed to be harmless, but my throat felt a bit swollen. It got worse, and I had fever; and I had to skip work for two days.
Do not offer me hot food- I poke the cili into your eyes and nose.
Fact Number 7
I am scared of cockroaches, and all critters which have more than four feet. That includes crabs, and prawns, and butterflies. No excuse!! Okay butterflies are pretty, but don't put 'em near me. I became blue last time when I had to enter this butterfly farm. My gawd, it's like a torture chamber you know! I can high five with Sponge Bob Square Pants because he is scared of butterflies too.
Fact Number 8
I can be highly caffeinated by... tea.
Don't even mention coffee. That would make my eyes pop out.
Fact Number 9
I'm prettier than Bibik.
Muahahahahahahaha....
typing at one in the morning
Consider these few situations that I face in life.
Scenario A
As I fill in the petrol in my bike at the station, I saw a young executive with his shining Honda at the next pump. I looked at his car, and I looked at my old worn out bike.
I started to feel bad.
Scenario B
As I have a casual chat with my friends, they started to share their exciting stories of getting a new car, or getting a six months bonus salary, or a plan to start business.
I looked at their ambitious stories, and I looked at my life.
I started to feel bad.
Scenario C
Using the free time that I have, I have been practicing my trumpet almost everyday. When I changed my embouchure to a better position, suddenly I failed to reach high notes. I tried again and again, and I can only manage to get high notes once in a while.
I started to feel bad.
At the surface, I feel that I am still stagnant, not progressing and not going anywhere, while the people around me are getting more advanced in their lives.
But as I look into it with the help of dear dear Z, there is actually something else that I don’t admit and I haven’t cleared up.
The bad feeling that I had is a way for me to invalidate myself and other people.
I label myself as being hopeless, and I envy other people beyond reason.
It’s a mindset of saying that other people are lucky and I am not.
And what I get from it is the attention that people give to me and I loved it.
I get people to babysit me, and I get to avoid being responsible in taking actions in my life, by using the reason that I am not as lucky, as good, as brainy and as competent as the others.
I am now willing to give that up.
And actually my life is not stagnant, and it’s not hopeless.
I have shifted from totally jobless towards having a part time job.
And as for my trumpet skills, I have shifted to a better embouchure, and lately after I patiently practiced long tones, I slowly could get my high notes easier.
It’s a big difference when you decide to take on being responsible in your life, no matter that there’s always the little voice trying to belittle your capabilities. Acknowledge and thank the little voice, and take actions.
Having given up all the inauthencity of my view in my life now,
I now create a possiblity of being appreciating life.
The next time I listen to a friend getting promoted,
I will appreciate and be excited with the enjoyment.
The next time I see a huge fat car next to my bike,
I will appreciate and feel the pride of the owner who deserved it.
And the next time I feel stuck with my trumpet progress,
I will appreciate that I've gotten somewhere. And I will go more and be unstoppable.
Scenario A
As I fill in the petrol in my bike at the station, I saw a young executive with his shining Honda at the next pump. I looked at his car, and I looked at my old worn out bike.
I started to feel bad.
Scenario B
As I have a casual chat with my friends, they started to share their exciting stories of getting a new car, or getting a six months bonus salary, or a plan to start business.
I looked at their ambitious stories, and I looked at my life.
I started to feel bad.
Scenario C
Using the free time that I have, I have been practicing my trumpet almost everyday. When I changed my embouchure to a better position, suddenly I failed to reach high notes. I tried again and again, and I can only manage to get high notes once in a while.
I started to feel bad.
At the surface, I feel that I am still stagnant, not progressing and not going anywhere, while the people around me are getting more advanced in their lives.
But as I look into it with the help of dear dear Z, there is actually something else that I don’t admit and I haven’t cleared up.
The bad feeling that I had is a way for me to invalidate myself and other people.
I label myself as being hopeless, and I envy other people beyond reason.
It’s a mindset of saying that other people are lucky and I am not.
And what I get from it is the attention that people give to me and I loved it.
I get people to babysit me, and I get to avoid being responsible in taking actions in my life, by using the reason that I am not as lucky, as good, as brainy and as competent as the others.
I am now willing to give that up.
And actually my life is not stagnant, and it’s not hopeless.
I have shifted from totally jobless towards having a part time job.
And as for my trumpet skills, I have shifted to a better embouchure, and lately after I patiently practiced long tones, I slowly could get my high notes easier.
It’s a big difference when you decide to take on being responsible in your life, no matter that there’s always the little voice trying to belittle your capabilities. Acknowledge and thank the little voice, and take actions.
Having given up all the inauthencity of my view in my life now,
I now create a possiblity of being appreciating life.
The next time I listen to a friend getting promoted,
I will appreciate and be excited with the enjoyment.
The next time I see a huge fat car next to my bike,
I will appreciate and feel the pride of the owner who deserved it.
And the next time I feel stuck with my trumpet progress,
I will appreciate that I've gotten somewhere. And I will go more and be unstoppable.
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