Yeah, this is a so an overdue post. And a long one too.
At the eve of Eid-ul Adha, I followed my mom and my brothers to my dad's parents home in Muar.
In the morning when the atmosphere is so cool and serene, after coming back from prayers and mass at the nearby surau, I had a time together having a chat with mom. Shared with her about what I have discovered.
I did a track back on the journey of relationships in my life, and I have seen a lot. Few small but significant issues between me and the people close to me, had made myself shaped what I have become.
For the last few years, I have stayed with my close friends in the same house or hostel, and I could see that I get triggered when people reminded me on keeping things neat and respecting other individual’s space and property.
Instead of working on what they’ve said, I see them as being rash, not understanding, not empathic and not responsible to see my own view of it.
When they told me to tidy up my mess in the hall, I’ll get upset.
When they told me to keep my trumpet, I’ll get upset.
When they refuse to lend me their things, I’ll get upset.
And when I get upset- I’ll create a whole drama out of it, using thousands of reasons to justify that I am a “victim of my evil friends”, and things get ugly.
It goes on until I am so into making myself right and making them wrong- I even forgotten to use common sense to do such things, like saying sorry and wash the dishes after being told.
Fundamentally, this chain of repetitive incidents goes back to the relationship between me and my mom.
When I was small, she threw my Ken doll into the dustbin and the doll’s foot got scratched so badly.
So I labeled her being rash, not understanding, not empathic and not responsible.
Ultimately, I see that-
I don’t like to be told.
I am running away from the fear of being in charge of the situation.
Subconsciously, I was actually not being complete with the experience of these repetitive incidents.
True that this day I am a person who is taking the responsibility of being a neat and well arranged person, and I love having my apartment look nice-
But that is just a part of the drama I have created on my own.
I was actually seeking revenge.
Once I am a neat and well organized person,
Now I have the chance to scold and invalidate my housemates if they start to make a mess anywhere in the house.
All this while I was being inauthentic and I had created a huge notion in my life-
I don’t like to be told and I will seek revenge when I can prove that I could do better.
And of course if am I being told again, I will not be responsible to it.
And this way of being has been applied everywhere, including to the part where indirectly “I don’t like to be told” by my father to be in control with my financial and career parts in my life.
The impact of it:
I will always be stuck with it,
I won’t be sincere with the intention of anything that I’m doing.
Who knows that even my success is a reflection of my revenge-
for not liking to be told off by people.
I have now given all these up, and I took the action of completing with all the people that I had those incidents with in the past. That includes my mom.
It opened up a chance for me to be with them, and to have them say what they want to say, to see their feelings, and also, to acknowledge them for all their contribution and support in my life.
It was an experience.
Now I can see and appreciate people’s point of view.
Now I can be sincere in my actions and take advice in a constructive way.
I will always have that “I don’t like to be told” being,
But it’s okay, I can always now be aware and put that aside.
junction
I am in a huge breakdown now.
Two pathways, left and right.
May God give me the best choice.
I had forgotten about Him for quite sometime,
I guess this is the way how He knocked my door.
To open up my eyes and always remember Him.
Because all my breakdowns and breakthroughs,
And my choices,
Ultimately goes back to His will.
As for the breakdown,
Give it space and something will come up, for the best.
Two pathways, left and right.
May God give me the best choice.
I had forgotten about Him for quite sometime,
I guess this is the way how He knocked my door.
To open up my eyes and always remember Him.
Because all my breakdowns and breakthroughs,
And my choices,
Ultimately goes back to His will.
As for the breakdown,
Give it space and something will come up, for the best.
life- as how it occurs to me now.
Almost reaching more-than-half of the pool while doing butterfly strokes, after two weeks of break of fever.
Cleaning up the dirty kitchen cabinet- with the tiny cockroaches and water leaks.
Buzzing the mouthpiece while waiting out the rain to stop, sitting by the stairs, after work.
Listening to another new good album, or it can also be just another ol’ good music.
Laughing out loud at Uptown with a good friend like nobody else’s business.
Having a long chat with mom and let her some space to cry for her ownself.
Looking at those pricey plasma TVs that I couldn’t afford- yet.
Sit quietly watching Mariah Carey’s concert, listening to those songs as I walk down the archives of my teen memories.
Knowing that friends will walk this path with you.
Cleaning up the dirty kitchen cabinet- with the tiny cockroaches and water leaks.
Buzzing the mouthpiece while waiting out the rain to stop, sitting by the stairs, after work.
Listening to another new good album, or it can also be just another ol’ good music.
Laughing out loud at Uptown with a good friend like nobody else’s business.
Having a long chat with mom and let her some space to cry for her ownself.
Looking at those pricey plasma TVs that I couldn’t afford- yet.
Sit quietly watching Mariah Carey’s concert, listening to those songs as I walk down the archives of my teen memories.
Knowing that friends will walk this path with you.
review: hadiah dari hati siti nurhaliza
Finally after waited for so long, I’ve got the new album three days after it was released. Yeah, I even went to three different malls on those three different days to get the album.
Anyway. Let me feed you with the “bad” first and then the “good” of it.
What you shouldn’t expect from this album:
This album won’t offer you strong power ballads that would give you chills.
I was initially disappointed because I felt as if the artist is playing safe, restricting her capability to give that strong vocal force to the listener.
This album generally won’t provide you rich orchestral arrangements with huge dynamic range.
This album had radically deviated from my expectations and demands.
What you can expect from this album:
This album offers you something genuinely new and fresh from the singer Siti Nurhaliza.
This album gives a listening to a clean, clear and soothing yet colorful and lyrical vocal of the singer.
This album has tracks that is cleverly sung and arranged to picture the expression of what’s inside a human’s heart- hence the name Hadiah Dari Hati.
This album initially gives the impression of the Chinese and Japanese pop genre.
This album won’t give you the effect of turning off the CD player after the tiring exposure of strong and powerfully arranged songs. Instead, you can listen to it over and over again.
This album emphasizes on very clean vocal recording and simple yet effective arrangement.
This album is a proof of continuous effort of producing a high quality music album- that should be in your collection.
The songs:
Ku Mahu- It would have been nicer if they take away the synthetic trumpet sound and replace it with real brass section- that would give the effect of the latin version of No Mes Ames by J Lo. After giving up being annoyed with the synthesizer, I started to enjoy the song.
Melawan Kesepian- Again the singer effectively puts emotions in this song, like she did in Biarlah Rahsia. However, I’d prefer this arrangement more. It has drifted off the common way of arrangement in the local industry.
Mulanya Cinta- This track was sung in the musical P Ramlee at Istana Budaya recently. I was at first disappointed because this song has a space which has not been used by vocalist to show off her strength that would give it more life. However, this new approach gives a cleaner effect of the song. Some may say that she wouldn’t sound overpowering this way.
Tanpa Kalian- Something very new! This catchy arrangement emphasizes a lot on the acoustic guitars. Nice song to listen to when you’re traveling and on the go.
Biarkan- The introduction was really not to my interest. However, it gets much much better when it goes to the chorus. Very light rock genre.
Kerana Dirimu- The singer plays with her voice with a lot of ornaments in this otherwise common Indonesian pop genre song. (Indonesian songs are nice by default anyway)
Hati- An attempt of symphonic arrangement, but it goes back to the normal local arrangement style.
Wanita- Light arrangement and singing that speaks up to its lyrics.
Cintamu- Impressive introduction with a set of strings, and this song reminds me of how Siti Nurhaliza gives life in her concert performances singing Aku Cinta Padamu in a different jazzy way. Very good chorus!
Sutramaya- Clever introduction with the singer starting the song and enjoined by the guitars. Strong chorus with nice guitar arrangement, goes to a strong forte and a sudden silence, continued with the short appearance of the tabla, and ends with an abrupt silence. Cleaner and fresh version of Seindah Biasa.
Sekian Lama- A very nice piece that you can listen to while looking at the stars. It has a Disney theme mood in it. Another straight expression from the heart.
Conclusion: I LIKE THIS ALBUM.
World Marching Band Competition 2007
So recently I went to the World Marching Band Competition at Stadium Merdeka.
We got the RM250 seats for RM60, and we sat just next to the grand stand.
It was really a good show, and the bands which got first, second and third prize- they were superb.
The second runner up is a band from Indonesia. It’s a very huge band, and like my brother said- the sound and the number of members and the way they run in their formation- gives this image that is intimidating you. Their genre is more towards pop, and their songs are a tribute to the famous band Dewa. And their arrangement was nice, I enjoyed myself watching them and listening to their performance. Scary band I tell you.
We're so large, we have a bunch of low brass like grapes.
Punchy with their pop.
The runner up is proudly a Malaysian band, an all-school girls band- Sultanah Asmah School, directed by Mr. Tang. Regardless that they do not follow the trend of active color guards and rigorous movements and songs- they still captured all attention with their cute and super neat formation and impressive dynamics and clean sound in their songs. All songs are arranged from local patriotic and pop songs. In short, this band is cute and perfect.
See? I told you they're neat. I like!
The winner is a band from Thailand- which pictures itself as an Asean version of the Cavaliers or any top American band. I really liked the soft part where the static percussions were hit by soft mallets to produce a magical-like Asean traditional sound. This soothing percussion solo part acts as a repetitive short interval between the whole band (which instead would play in an abstract arrangement with impressive strong dynamics while they do their formation movements). This band deserved to win and it is really really good.
Winner in action.
Yeah, they are quite huge too.
There were also other unique bands- such as the marching band from Cape Town South Africa, and their theme has something to do with the disco dance Saturday Night Fever era. They have very good dancers who most of the time distract people’s attention from the band.
Band members in literally glittering red costumes, and spot the strong dancers wearing black in front of them.
And another band from Miri was a bit out of the track. They attempted to play abstract, they attempted to do abstract formation, and they even used props. But it was a failure.
Think about huge pineapple prop and an ugly banana (which looked half-eaten).
And all of a sudden you were wrong because the props were not props- they were actually costumes. Some band members started to go underneath the pineapple and banana, and tadaaa… they became walking pineapple and banana.
Spot the ugly banana. And pineapple.
And there was also this guy who was wearing a brown robe. We called him Jesus.
What’s the motive of all these costumes? Don’t ask me.
We were laughing our heads off and we were confused at the same time.
Instead of getting an impressive abstract impact, what we heard was just jumble-mumble chord of noise. We were trying to comprehend, like watching a non-subtitled B grade French movie.
The guy with the robe suddenly walked towards the pineapple, animatedly waving his hands.
I quickly explained my interpretation to my friend,
“Jesus gives us pineapples.”
All of the sudden the “band noise” sounded like a sad song; and the formation became slow.
“The band now sounds sad. Who died?” my friend asked.
And suddenly a band member with the butterfly costume was carried away by other band members.
“The butterfly died,” I replied.
Pendek kata, we enjoyed ourselves-lah.
We got the RM250 seats for RM60, and we sat just next to the grand stand.
It was really a good show, and the bands which got first, second and third prize- they were superb.
The second runner up is a band from Indonesia. It’s a very huge band, and like my brother said- the sound and the number of members and the way they run in their formation- gives this image that is intimidating you. Their genre is more towards pop, and their songs are a tribute to the famous band Dewa. And their arrangement was nice, I enjoyed myself watching them and listening to their performance. Scary band I tell you.
We're so large, we have a bunch of low brass like grapes.
Punchy with their pop.
The runner up is proudly a Malaysian band, an all-school girls band- Sultanah Asmah School, directed by Mr. Tang. Regardless that they do not follow the trend of active color guards and rigorous movements and songs- they still captured all attention with their cute and super neat formation and impressive dynamics and clean sound in their songs. All songs are arranged from local patriotic and pop songs. In short, this band is cute and perfect.
See? I told you they're neat. I like!
The winner is a band from Thailand- which pictures itself as an Asean version of the Cavaliers or any top American band. I really liked the soft part where the static percussions were hit by soft mallets to produce a magical-like Asean traditional sound. This soothing percussion solo part acts as a repetitive short interval between the whole band (which instead would play in an abstract arrangement with impressive strong dynamics while they do their formation movements). This band deserved to win and it is really really good.
Winner in action.
Yeah, they are quite huge too.
There were also other unique bands- such as the marching band from Cape Town South Africa, and their theme has something to do with the disco dance Saturday Night Fever era. They have very good dancers who most of the time distract people’s attention from the band.
Band members in literally glittering red costumes, and spot the strong dancers wearing black in front of them.
And another band from Miri was a bit out of the track. They attempted to play abstract, they attempted to do abstract formation, and they even used props. But it was a failure.
Think about huge pineapple prop and an ugly banana (which looked half-eaten).
And all of a sudden you were wrong because the props were not props- they were actually costumes. Some band members started to go underneath the pineapple and banana, and tadaaa… they became walking pineapple and banana.
Spot the ugly banana. And pineapple.
And there was also this guy who was wearing a brown robe. We called him Jesus.
What’s the motive of all these costumes? Don’t ask me.
We were laughing our heads off and we were confused at the same time.
Instead of getting an impressive abstract impact, what we heard was just jumble-mumble chord of noise. We were trying to comprehend, like watching a non-subtitled B grade French movie.
The guy with the robe suddenly walked towards the pineapple, animatedly waving his hands.
I quickly explained my interpretation to my friend,
“Jesus gives us pineapples.”
All of the sudden the “band noise” sounded like a sad song; and the formation became slow.
“The band now sounds sad. Who died?” my friend asked.
And suddenly a band member with the butterfly costume was carried away by other band members.
“The butterfly died,” I replied.
Pendek kata, we enjoyed ourselves-lah.
i'm done kicking sand- time to wash my feet
Last Sunday, I had a chat with my mom and my brother.
They were urging me to try apply for other jobs.
And when my brother left the room, mom said two sentences to me,
Passing the concerns of my dad about me.
“You are already 26 years old, but you are still asking for money.
Your father is complaining about you.”
And those words just struck me inside.
I started to think inside me,
and I think really hard.
Instead of just being present and have a good time with my family,
I was distracted.
Inside the car, on the way back home,
I made a decision to stop asking for financial support and survive my life with my own money.
At the same time I felt that I am a burden, and I felt guilty that I still asked for money, although my father couldn’t afford it anymore.
While struggling with the guilt and shame inside, I was calculating my main expenditure and balance it with my existing salary.
I could see that my salary would only be enough to compensate with the minimum basics- very cheap food, apartment rental and bills, petrol for my bike, and fee for a minimum of two lessons with my trumpet tutor.
To stop asking money from my dad, I realized that I will have to give up everything that a working person would want to do.
It will be almost impossible for me to save money for a tv. Or for a short trip to Bangkok.
I will have to give up eating pizza, and eating at the mall.
I will even have to think a lot of times when I want to buy a new working shirt.
Guilt + Shame + The thought of giving up everything = I was really disempowered.
I tried telling myself not to be disempowered, but there and then, in the car, facing the window watching the rain outside, I cried as silently as I could.
I told myself not to be a kid- throwing a tantrum when I don’t get something, but at that moment, I felt like things are so harsh, and I chose to settle in my blind spot- remaining in my own point of view.
Yesterday night, as I was riding my bike, I was still contemplating with the same issue.
Suddenly my mind shifted!
If I am a burden and my father couldn’t afford me, why is he still giving me the money that I needed that night when he dropped me at my apartment?
If he couldn’t afford supporting his kids financially, why is he okay in giving money to my brother who doesn’t get any current income because he’s still giving his sweat to nurture his agricultural project?
Guilt, burden, can’t afford- that is actually OUT OF THE POINT.
I was so much in settling in this point of view, I did not see what's there beyond it.
My father is not complaining that he couldn’t afford me. He can afford me anytime.
He is just expressing his concerns to my mom,
Because he knows that by my age, he believes that I could do more.
He is just concerned that I am not shifting my gear to my maximum potential.
I now give up my context and I now choose to see the big picture.
Now I can choose to accept my salary and expense the way it is- because after all, dear dear Z said that all these will only be temporary and I am doing just fine.
It takes me to create that it’s temporary.
I now create that I will get a job with double amount of my current pay,
And I am directing myself to that.
So now, instead of seeing it as something that I have to struggle and survive with-
I would like to try on living and supporting my expense with my own money and see what comes out from that. Life is a game and experimenting is fun!
Bibiknyonya once told me:
At times, stress is good to make you move forward.
I now see that it doesn’t matter whether you like or hate the pressure being given to you in life; it will definitely give you the benefit of progress and power in life- if you give yourself a space to think.
I now see that I am always triggered by the small little things that my father says about me. Within just two or three sentences, I always view it as a huge lecture that make me feel worthless, and hopeless.
I’d never thought that I could choose to take his words profoundly- as a good advice from a concerned father. It doesn’t matter how the language would be- it only takes me to give up my existing view to it, and see it as something constructive.
I am at peace.
I am now taking on being responsible of the situation.
And I am empowered.
Time to put aside the crutches, and try on walking.
They were urging me to try apply for other jobs.
And when my brother left the room, mom said two sentences to me,
Passing the concerns of my dad about me.
“You are already 26 years old, but you are still asking for money.
Your father is complaining about you.”
And those words just struck me inside.
I started to think inside me,
and I think really hard.
Instead of just being present and have a good time with my family,
I was distracted.
Inside the car, on the way back home,
I made a decision to stop asking for financial support and survive my life with my own money.
At the same time I felt that I am a burden, and I felt guilty that I still asked for money, although my father couldn’t afford it anymore.
While struggling with the guilt and shame inside, I was calculating my main expenditure and balance it with my existing salary.
I could see that my salary would only be enough to compensate with the minimum basics- very cheap food, apartment rental and bills, petrol for my bike, and fee for a minimum of two lessons with my trumpet tutor.
To stop asking money from my dad, I realized that I will have to give up everything that a working person would want to do.
It will be almost impossible for me to save money for a tv. Or for a short trip to Bangkok.
I will have to give up eating pizza, and eating at the mall.
I will even have to think a lot of times when I want to buy a new working shirt.
Guilt + Shame + The thought of giving up everything = I was really disempowered.
I tried telling myself not to be disempowered, but there and then, in the car, facing the window watching the rain outside, I cried as silently as I could.
I told myself not to be a kid- throwing a tantrum when I don’t get something, but at that moment, I felt like things are so harsh, and I chose to settle in my blind spot- remaining in my own point of view.
Yesterday night, as I was riding my bike, I was still contemplating with the same issue.
Suddenly my mind shifted!
If I am a burden and my father couldn’t afford me, why is he still giving me the money that I needed that night when he dropped me at my apartment?
If he couldn’t afford supporting his kids financially, why is he okay in giving money to my brother who doesn’t get any current income because he’s still giving his sweat to nurture his agricultural project?
Guilt, burden, can’t afford- that is actually OUT OF THE POINT.
I was so much in settling in this point of view, I did not see what's there beyond it.
My father is not complaining that he couldn’t afford me. He can afford me anytime.
He is just expressing his concerns to my mom,
Because he knows that by my age, he believes that I could do more.
He is just concerned that I am not shifting my gear to my maximum potential.
I now give up my context and I now choose to see the big picture.
Now I can choose to accept my salary and expense the way it is- because after all, dear dear Z said that all these will only be temporary and I am doing just fine.
It takes me to create that it’s temporary.
I now create that I will get a job with double amount of my current pay,
And I am directing myself to that.
So now, instead of seeing it as something that I have to struggle and survive with-
I would like to try on living and supporting my expense with my own money and see what comes out from that. Life is a game and experimenting is fun!
Bibiknyonya once told me:
At times, stress is good to make you move forward.
I now see that it doesn’t matter whether you like or hate the pressure being given to you in life; it will definitely give you the benefit of progress and power in life- if you give yourself a space to think.
I now see that I am always triggered by the small little things that my father says about me. Within just two or three sentences, I always view it as a huge lecture that make me feel worthless, and hopeless.
I’d never thought that I could choose to take his words profoundly- as a good advice from a concerned father. It doesn’t matter how the language would be- it only takes me to give up my existing view to it, and see it as something constructive.
I am at peace.
I am now taking on being responsible of the situation.
And I am empowered.
Time to put aside the crutches, and try on walking.
still standing there, kicking sand
Guess what I did on Sunday.
I went to Penang on a bus at 1 am with my first brother and went back at night on the same day. Chose to do that for my mom who wanted me to be there on my not-so-close cousin's wedding.
My family stayed at a decent home stay- thank goodness it was clean.
What I want to write here are the things that happened that day- which I find quite significant for me. At least it occurred to me that way. I feel awkward, happy, confronted, and in despair at the same time.
After more than ten years (almost 13 years) of cold war, my parents are in talking terms again. In fact, I can say that they are like newly weds. You know, how they talk softly to each other, resting on each other’s shoulder, something like that.
And well, of course my parents would now have the chance to share what they think about everything that they experienced under the sun- including me.
My mom passed me the concerns of my dad about me.
So, yeah, it’s a mixture of everything-
Awkward but happy for my parents for how they get along together,
Confused and in despair for listening about the concerns of my father. About me.
I guess I am sitting in my blind spot, making a lot of meaning of what I heard.
Perhaps what's blocking me now is my inner thoughts that I don't want to admit having it repeating subconciously somewhere there in my mind-
Am I worthless?
Am I incapable?
Am I a burden?
I can choose to jump out of this blind spot. But now at the time being, I guess I am still mingling in it.
I went to Penang on a bus at 1 am with my first brother and went back at night on the same day. Chose to do that for my mom who wanted me to be there on my not-so-close cousin's wedding.
My family stayed at a decent home stay- thank goodness it was clean.
What I want to write here are the things that happened that day- which I find quite significant for me. At least it occurred to me that way. I feel awkward, happy, confronted, and in despair at the same time.
After more than ten years (almost 13 years) of cold war, my parents are in talking terms again. In fact, I can say that they are like newly weds. You know, how they talk softly to each other, resting on each other’s shoulder, something like that.
And well, of course my parents would now have the chance to share what they think about everything that they experienced under the sun- including me.
My mom passed me the concerns of my dad about me.
So, yeah, it’s a mixture of everything-
Awkward but happy for my parents for how they get along together,
Confused and in despair for listening about the concerns of my father. About me.
I guess I am sitting in my blind spot, making a lot of meaning of what I heard.
Perhaps what's blocking me now is my inner thoughts that I don't want to admit having it repeating subconciously somewhere there in my mind-
Am I worthless?
Am I incapable?
Am I a burden?
I can choose to jump out of this blind spot. But now at the time being, I guess I am still mingling in it.
happy (super belated) anniversary
Finally it’s our first year.
Thank you dear dear Z for being with me, through my nonsense and petty.
Thank you for standing on giving continuous life to my passion- in playing my trumpet, no matter how hard the wind trying to blow off the flame sometimes.
Thank you for giving me a space to vent out even my darkest thoughts- that others might fear to listen to.
Thank you for pampering me through a lot of ways- your phone calls, your visits, and the way you look at me.
You make it worthwhile.
Oh by the way, I bought this original Fossil wallet for dear dear Z. Of course the price is ratus-ratus. Beside it is my new fake Timberland- I bought for ten ringgit only. I think both wallets look nice.
the medical college- interesting!
This is a half side of a pelvic bone. It’s a real piece of bone, and as you can see, there are small natural holes around it. Holding this real thing, I was thinking about how it used to be a part of a woman, who once born in this world, could communicate with us like other human being, and finally left this world, leaving a piece of pelvic bone behind.
Some say that your heart is as huge as your fist.
If this is true, then this model of the heart is the right size to picture my strong heart pumping inside. Talking about having a strong heart- I think I should rigorously go back to my swimming and work out routine after being sick for quite sometime already.
For practical lessons, students in the health industry have to use dummies as for them to apply their practical techniques before using them to real patients. Some dolls are really freaky looking. I was quite cautious when I was standing close to this doll, afraid that it might jump out of bed alive. Scary!
Some say that your heart is as huge as your fist.
If this is true, then this model of the heart is the right size to picture my strong heart pumping inside. Talking about having a strong heart- I think I should rigorously go back to my swimming and work out routine after being sick for quite sometime already.
For practical lessons, students in the health industry have to use dummies as for them to apply their practical techniques before using them to real patients. Some dolls are really freaky looking. I was quite cautious when I was standing close to this doll, afraid that it might jump out of bed alive. Scary!
me and my job
Yeap. It has been a while!
My job demands me to be on the go continuously these few weeks, I only got the chance to take a peek through the internet, speed reading my close sistah's blogs.
It was really demanding, to a point that I had fever (again?) and still had to stay at work til midnight, since we've got the Minister of Higher Education coming to the college the next Monday. So, yeah, everything has to be tip-top.
So as usual when you have to stay over at work to the extreme hours, you might lose even the mood to be all chattery. That happened to me, at least.
I started to find a person to blame for the stress that I felt, and I even started to question myself- is this the job that I really want?
Finally the minister came, and it all ended a happy ending. (In fact he did not even make a tour to inspect the whole college.)
But the thing is, there's this awkwardness that I felt inside of me, between me and my colleague, as an impact of how I act due to the stress and fever that I've got.
After much discussion about my job between me and my friends, my dear dear Z, and I even talked to myself- I've seen a clearer vision.
The job is just a job with it's ups and downs. What matters is my destination at the end of the line- that is to get myself to be a professional trumpet player. The job is just a tool and an experience in order for me to get there.
So, stress is always packaged inside a job, no matter what job it is. And sometimes we have to go through and continue with our life, even though the fever and flu is bugging to stop.
I've decided to get it complete with my colleague- by putting the past in the past. The stress had happened, and it already happened. So this is what I shared with him the next day-
I want to be complete with what had happened for the past few days.
I give up trying to put the blame of the stress to anyone-
I wanted to say it's the minister's fault for coming to the college,
Or your fault,
Or even my fault for not doing the job earlier.
I give up trying to put the blame to anyone at all.
The stress happened and it happened. No point blaming anyone.
I forgive myself for being sick and using it as a good reason to be not empowered.
I also seek your forgiveness for having to give me all the hours rest and the day off, even when there's a deadline coming close.
I acknowledge you for being a stand of discipline to make sure the work goes on,
because if not for you, I would have called it quits because I was sick. Again, thank you.
He was inspired and he acknowledged me too- for being strong when I was sick.
And just there and then, the awkwardness disappeared,
like a burden shoved away from the shoulder.
My job demands me to be on the go continuously these few weeks, I only got the chance to take a peek through the internet, speed reading my close sistah's blogs.
It was really demanding, to a point that I had fever (again?) and still had to stay at work til midnight, since we've got the Minister of Higher Education coming to the college the next Monday. So, yeah, everything has to be tip-top.
So as usual when you have to stay over at work to the extreme hours, you might lose even the mood to be all chattery. That happened to me, at least.
I started to find a person to blame for the stress that I felt, and I even started to question myself- is this the job that I really want?
Finally the minister came, and it all ended a happy ending. (In fact he did not even make a tour to inspect the whole college.)
But the thing is, there's this awkwardness that I felt inside of me, between me and my colleague, as an impact of how I act due to the stress and fever that I've got.
After much discussion about my job between me and my friends, my dear dear Z, and I even talked to myself- I've seen a clearer vision.
The job is just a job with it's ups and downs. What matters is my destination at the end of the line- that is to get myself to be a professional trumpet player. The job is just a tool and an experience in order for me to get there.
So, stress is always packaged inside a job, no matter what job it is. And sometimes we have to go through and continue with our life, even though the fever and flu is bugging to stop.
I've decided to get it complete with my colleague- by putting the past in the past. The stress had happened, and it already happened. So this is what I shared with him the next day-
I want to be complete with what had happened for the past few days.
I give up trying to put the blame of the stress to anyone-
I wanted to say it's the minister's fault for coming to the college,
Or your fault,
Or even my fault for not doing the job earlier.
I give up trying to put the blame to anyone at all.
The stress happened and it happened. No point blaming anyone.
I forgive myself for being sick and using it as a good reason to be not empowered.
I also seek your forgiveness for having to give me all the hours rest and the day off, even when there's a deadline coming close.
I acknowledge you for being a stand of discipline to make sure the work goes on,
because if not for you, I would have called it quits because I was sick. Again, thank you.
He was inspired and he acknowledged me too- for being strong when I was sick.
And just there and then, the awkwardness disappeared,
like a burden shoved away from the shoulder.
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