my purpose in life.

After a few weekends of seminar, I can now see the purpose of my life.
This is the charter that I have created, as a guide for me and everyone, of what I am being for myself. It’s like a personal constitution, for me to look upon to at each moment in life.


MY CHARTER OF LIFE.

My purpose in life is to bring peace to the people that I am related with.

I strongly hold onto these values

Workability
Transparent
Determination
Peaceful

What I can be counted on

Racket Free
Willing to give up own upsets and human machinery in order to:

• Create and maintain a joyful & harmonious environment

• Rigorously diminish other people’s upset

• Sustain workability

Play Full Out
Perform all out in work or play, for optimum two-side satisfaction


Give up being prejudice
Seeing the values and potential within all walks of life

Responsible in Communication
Take ownership and responsibility to restore connectivity after a communication breakdown

Communicating with strong intention, to make a difference.


Be Powerful
Raising the bar in life, and (at the same time) choosing life as what it is.

Choosing breakdowns for breakthroughs no matter how hard it would be.

the trolley story

Who says I don't have breakdowns at work?
I do have them, but only from breakdowns you can get breakthroughs.

This morning I was supposed to shift a PC to a department for a new staff.
I went to the Maintenance Dept. to get the trolley.

And they said, the trolley is not with them,
and the last person to use it was from my department.

I recalled that it's true that my colleague used it last Friday,
but I'm sure he is responsible enough to return it once he's done.

I called him to check.
Yeap, he said, he already returned the trolley.
I checked back with the Maintenance Dept, and they were not satisfied.
At that time I made myself feel bad, and I made it mean that I was being scolded.

I was dwelling in my own rackets that the trolley is missing and we were blamed for it.

I decided to get off it. This kind of feeling doesn't make any difference.
The trolley is missing, and it's not our fault.
What I can do is that-
the next time we borrow the trolley (after it is found of course)
I will make sure that we sign a form,
and sign again to prove that we have returned it.
It's just the matter of making things work.

what is this feeling?

Good arrangements make me cry.

Anuar Zain's latest 2007 album,
the WHOLE of it-
Reached my inner side.

This time the prominent male singer is playing his vocals
on the lighter, romantic, melancholic side.

Almost all his tracks would include instruments like strings and piano,
and one has a trumpet adlib-
Which is just so perfect for me.

I was in tears beyond reason-
I had to stop playing the CD.

PhD girl; you gonna LOVE this album.
Will post it to you next week.

Visit here to know more.

silence for the innocent one.

Praise to Allah, God of all worlds.
Most Gracious and Most Merciful.
The Ruler of Resurrection Day.
Only to Him whom we are devoted,
and only to Him aid we seek.
Show us the correct path-
The path of those You blessed.
And not the path of those You wrath,
Nor the path of those who are lost.

-Alfatihah

sorrow

The nation was shocked and saddened by what happened to this lost little girl recently.

I couldn't help but feeling the same way.
I have a dear smaller sister, and mom said, she would be as petite as the girl in the news when she was at the same age.

Thinking on how this little girl suffered the pain of being tormented gives me the eerie chills, and it's impossible to bear.

May her death wouldn't be wasted.
May the investigators able to capture the killer; so as to avoid it to happen again.
May we be contributing something for her worth; at least by taking care of the children that we are responsible of; by always keeping an eye on them from the danger out there.

At least the assurance that I can have for myself is that
this innocent little girl is already in one of God's seven heavens-
living as a fairy; playing by the sparkling stream, by the most magnificient beautiful garden we can never imagined.

Please pay a visit here.

random shots. again.

Teeth, anyone?
These acrylic teeth were kept nicely in a box.
They are for patients who would want a makeover with their natural sets of teeth-
it's called 'crowning'.



Cosy house.
This is my friend's apartment.
He has a very huge tv, like those they have at indian restaurants.



Oh, no, gonna rain.
Taken after I had a few laps in a public swimming pool in China Town.



Sparkling new.
The library at another branch of the college I am working at.



Black coffee: super strong.
Taken at a nyonya cafe in a mall in Damansara.
I became super duper alert after taking a sip.



Witnessing 50th birthday.
Taken at Merdeka night, and there were no fireworks here. Too bad.



This is luxury.
Spiral staircase with a small marble pond at the bottom,
taken at my trumpet private student's bungalow.



Sudden darkness.
I was preparing to work and the sky was bright.
A minute later, suddenly it was really dark.
A strong gust of wind blew this huge, huge cloud to Damansara.



Heritage.
Taken at Central Market area, after watching theatre.

wah! so fun.

The interesting thing about my job is that it's really really full of ups and downs.

And the job scope varies- such as teaching staff to do page setup in Words, or adding network printer, or in charge in registration, or adding students' username and password to access the internet-

It goes on and on and on.

But recently I was honored the job to design an invitation card for the VIP guests, for Ramadhan dinner. How exciting! I've always LOVE playing with Adobe Photoshop.

So guys, here's my design. Not that great, but, hey, not bad.

just a small share with you guys

This morning as usual I had sahur with my beloved family (warm freshly cooked fried rice, and fried chicken. And also pudding cake with caramel poured on it. Yummy.)

And then I went to take a nap- which was a mistake.
I went on sleeping although mom reminded me to do my morning prayers.
And I overslept til half past seven, got panic, rush to go back to my apartment-
that's from Ampang to Damansara-
and get myself prepared to be at work by 830.

Din' make it. I arrived at 841.
So, it's not a wise choice to skip your morning prayers especially when you were given the chance to do so (eg: waken up by your mom).

Anyway, LOL, that's not the thing that I wanted to share.

In the afternoon, I listened to this very nice speech said by an ustaz just before afternoon prayers.

Once there was this person, came upon him and asked this question. Perhaps we ourselves have this same question in mind.

"Ustaz, please don't get mad when I ask you about this.
God made us humans.
We did not even ask to be humans.
And once we are humans, we are given the burden to perform our responsibilities, follow the Islam rules and all.
Is this fair for us?"

And the ustaz explained.
It was quite something that we can look into ourselves.

This is roughly what he said.

Islam, as a way of life, is never meant to be a burden.
God said that He would only give duties which are perfect and which we are able to deal with.

We could do aggresive work outs, play sports- and get ourselves sweaty, exhaused and sometimes injured- but we do it anyway.

But isn't it ironic when we are called to perform our prayers- in the comfort of our homes, without forcing our muscles to the max- but we feel reluctant to do it anyway?

God's knowledge compared to us is like a never ending ocean compared to a small drop.

It's just a matter of us, putting love to the game of life in performing our duties to God.

And that advice goes back to me. :)

definition of one

As what my close friends already knew, my family is a colorful one. Any labels can be put on it- a wrecked family, with my parents not getting along well, and my siblings who have their different stories and disciplinary cases.

I always say that I am fine with it; after all, I am just doing well now. I am saying that I have no issues with my family- but it’s just my survival action of living.

If I say that I am totally okay with my family-
How come I got used to visit my mom only once in a month, or even less than that?
How come I decided to stop communicating with my brother for years?
How come I always get this disgust and envy when I see my close friends loving their parents so dearly?


I realized that I did not choose my family the way it is and the way it isn’t.
As a human, I inclined myself towards blaming the members of my family for what they did that lead to the condition of the family now.
I expect them to be like an ideal family- with no fights and differences.
To me, a united family is a family which has peace all through the year.


It’s so shocking when I discovered that this has given me an impact in my life.
I ran away by getting close with my friends around me.
I choose to have close friends but I did not choose my family.
I could have BOTH my friends and my family, but I didn’t choose that.

By expecting my family to be an ideal no argument family, I expect that my friends should be the same way.
I continue on giving full effort in having different group of friends to know each other, which is good-
But at the same time I expect that they should be always comfortable among each other, be close, and attend all the events together regardless of each other’s differences.
That’s my definition of being united.

Tonight I’ve realized that by being this way, it cost me from living my life gracefully with all the close friends and the family that I have.

I experienced multiple frustrations that I kept to myself, whenever friends refuse to have gatherings between different groups. I label them as being prejudice, and narrow minded.

Guess what?
The thing that you hate about people is reflecting on your own self.
I myself have been prejudice to a few friends, who actually helped me a lot in my life.
I did not accept their uniqueness, and I did not choose them the way they are.
I caused my other friends to hold gatherings, without including them in the event.

An incident recently made me rethink my being in my whole life again.

Initially a plan has been made to celebrate a friend’s birthday at a restaurant in a mall.
The plan was changed as another friend offered to host it at his apartment.
My friend, the host, wasn’t at all prepared for a huge gathering.
He preferred a close gathering among friends in the same group, and there’s nothing wrong at all with that.

Instead of taking it as a normal situation, analyzing it and do what works-
I fall into the same pattern of being upset, but this time I did not keep it to myself.
My reaction was shocking-

I sent him phone messages telling him that he discriminates his friends.
And when he called to explain-
I bellowed at him with the tone of anger and huge disappointment.

He was the victim of my own upset that I created my own self.

It was ugly, and he is still trying to recuperate from it. In fact, I never remembered yelling at him before.

It was just a small miscommunication, and there was nothing wrong at the beginning.
It’s just natural when people get uncomfortable and avoid gatherings of different groups at certain times and situations.
It’s just natural for people to avoid meeting some other people, because they feel uncomfortable.
It doesn’t mean that people should adore other people’s differences to respect it.

I had fallen into my own expectation that friends that I know should get along well and always literally be together; in order to be united.

And when in reality that did not happen;

I blame myself as a huge failure of not able to have my friends united.

I made life is wrong, and I made it mean that my friends are not united,
And subconsciously it reminds me of the thoughts at the back of my head that my own family is not united.

Everything breaks into pieces.
I went down into a very horrible upset.
And that’s when I went and shouted at my friend, breaking his heart.

You see,
The whole thing that you read above is just a drama I have created in my life.
My family is already whole and perfect.
This year, one by one, I have already completed myself with my brother, mom and my dad.
I discovered that when I put away the barriers of communication between me and my family-
I see that my family managed to go through a lot of challenges in life, and it still stays intact and united.
It was just my perception that it is not.
There was one evening after I am free from giving all the judgments-
I felt bliss and peace when I see that all the members of my family were happy talking among each other as they laze around in the house that beautiful evening.


The same goes to my friends;
They are from different groups,
And they are already whole and perfect.

Now I stand on being committed to have my friends united-
But I don’t have to be attached with it, and I don’t have to expect them the way I expect them to be. They are just the way they are and there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t have to fix them at all. There is nothing to be fixed.

I declare that I have given up my upset.

And to you my dear friend,
Whom I was being rude at,
I am really sorry for what I have done.
The intention was everybody to have a good time,
And you successfully brought the joy to the guests at your place.
I know you need time and space right now,
Just letting you to know that I don’t mind waiting.
It’s okay- you can have all the time that you need.

punch card!!

This week my life was full of its ups and downs.
That is what life is. It’s just whole and perfect with its pains and gains.
Whenever there is a breakdown, there will always be a breakthrough for me to discover.

There is this same hesitation of me typing it all-
It seems too personal, but that shouldn’t stop me from wanting to share.

The week started with me choosing my job the way it is and the way it’s not.

I’ve being responsible of choosing to accept orders from a staff of the upper level, regardless that he is a new staff. It’s how the hierarchy is designed, and I am at peace the moment I acknowledge him as one of the leaders in the department. By being that, I’ve taken the responsibility of being nice and communicative- and I discovered that he is not a bad boss at all. He is just giving orders to make things happen correctly in the office. That’s just it!

I’ve being responsible of choosing the fact that I need to handle many requests in one day from various departments. By choosing that, I only differentiate things which work and things which doesn’t work; and not creating a drama out of it. If it works, then it’s cool. If it doesn’t work, let’s do something about it. True, I still experienced stress, but I am now aware that it’s just part of the job. With that, my stress gets down to a minimum point. Even better- sometimes it just goes away.

I’ve discovered that I am being making myself not worthy and not good as the other colleagues, and my reasons are such as I did not get a good pointer in my degree, and I did not excel in certain core parts in my field. My own way of being caused me to be upset and I lose power in my working life.

I just made myself aware of it; and just choose that I do have things that I can offer and I do have things that I couldn’t deliver. It’s just the way it is! From there I could see an opening. I’ve given up concluding myself not worthy and not good.

So I started to give what I have to offer- and I was happy by what I discovered.
I am so worthy, needed and wanted- people were even requesting me to be at their department immediately after they called. I had so many tasks that I needed to settle, and I was able to execute them, one by one.

And finally, I discovered that my human machinery is always trying to find evidence that this job doesn’t suit me. True, there are the easy times and they will always be the difficult times; I just have to deal with it. It’s just my ego wanting me not to say this- but now I am admitting it- I LOVE MY JOB. It’s another game of life I have declared- and I am happy that I’ve played it well. The game is still on; and I am committed in playing full out; with its ups and downs.

convo: my experience.

So.
At the last minute I chose to go for my graduation ceremony.
Regardless of my considerations that it is a waste of time, and I don’t favor being in a crowd wearing three layers of clothes under the hot afternoon sun, I just decided to go.

I’ve decided to play it as another step in the game of life. My purpose was nothing huge; I just wanted to try it on, and observe the experience. It might be as breathtaking as what others felt, or I might feel the opposite- but it doesn’t matter. I am responsible of what I would feel because I chose to go for it.

I was really grateful for a friend who sacrificed to wake up early on a Sunday to have myself dressed up neatly for the occasion. Regardless that he is so much into convocations, waking up at half past six on a weekend is next to impossible to do. He was my stylist and also my photographer for the whole session.

Things went well. I remained calm when I was in line, and entered the hall with a weird but good feeling as I listened to the soft sound of gamelan being played.

I disliked the long waiting anyway. I did not eat breakfast and I was really hungry and bored. After that, they played a very audio challenging recording of a military band when the Pro Chancellor entered with other VIPs. The song was so bad, it’s out of tune. One of the ugliest brass bands I’ve ever heard. What a shame to an established university. Can’t they find anything better?

As we were getting restless by the long speech of the Pro Chancellor, I was entertained by the jokes made by the Chinese guy behind me. He could spot that the Pro Chancellor literally said “TAKNIAH” to us all.

And then while the Pro Chancellor took a breath before the next sentence, quickly the guy behind me said “Wabillahitaufik walhidayah…”

That even made the Malay girl beside me giggled. And we all don’t even know each other.



At last, after two hours of people walking up the stage, it was my turn.
I recalled all the things being said by my working friends.
You’ll be feeling full of spirit and pride.
You’ll be thinking, okay now you’ve got a scroll. How about another scroll for Masters.
You’ll be overwhelmed and you feel overjoyed.

My answer?
Not all of the above.

I was busy handling with stage fright.
Of course I felt happy light-light, but I was thinking more about-
Oh my gawd, there are lecturers in a row sitting on my right side on the stage.
Oh dear, on the left are the audience watching me catwalking in an oversized tent robe.
I maintained myself by walking stiff- a habit I am good at while listening to my walkman and walk straight without looking at anybody. It’s what my friends said as “Jalan menonong”.

But it wasn’t really bad.
We were also entertained with patriotic songs during the intervals, and everybody was waving their scrolls (of course we did not get small flags on the stage, right?), and we sang along and shouted at the parts that we know.

And finally, the Pro Cancellor announced that the Convocation 2007 is closed. That’s cool, because only the last session would witness that. Along with cheers from the rest of the whole hall.

The VIPs then walked out along with the playback of an Elgar-ish march song. It’s way much much much better than the song being played when they entered the hall.

Exactly as what I expected, I felt like steamed fish or boiled fish balls or baked banana cake when we walked out of the hall. I was sweating like mad. But I decided to give up having that so significant, and live with it. I could bear with it actually, along with the whole crowd.

So I’ve taken pictures, and I’ve collected the pictures they shot for me on the stage. I didn’t bother to take studio photos though- they marked up the price to 200 bucks. Like, what the?

I decided to do my OWN studio photo, by applying my astounding Photoshop skills. The result- wah, not bad. I didn’t manage to get a library painting background, but I replaced that with a blue gradient canvas-ish background that I created on my own. I can just print that at a digital photo shop for one ringgit each. Cool huh?

My mom, aunt and brother came, a few friends came too; and dear dear Z came last as a sweet closing for the whole thing.

Thanks, y’all, to both who came and both who didn’t- because after all you guys are part of my life no matter what.

I have discovered that when I try so much to make myself apart from my own graduation, there’s an overall impact of it. At the surface I might seem not wanting to celebrate, but if I really skipped the ceremony, I am considered as not respecting the whole university institution. Especially when all procedures are being done meticulously by the hardworking staff of the university- from the smart touch card, to the robe rental, to the parents invitation card, and to the preparation of one whole week of convocation.

That’s the biggest reason I felt grateful that I put myself to attend instead of being absent. Since all have already collaborated for the success of the big event, I am happy that I contributed by just being present.

at midnite

Huargh.
I thought of blogging right now.
But it's kinda late.
I'll blog next time.
Hik.

so what?

So what if I have my legs painful right now, after a long day’s work. It won’t be worthy having aching legs and tired exhausted head if I don’t learn to choose my job the way it is, and the way it is not. In fact, what it has to offer; in terms of area for me to gain knowledge, is so vast. That includes the endurance and determination that I need to be a world class orchestra performer.

So what if I was late for work; have I gotten the lesson that it didn’t work that I was late?
It made my supervisor worried; worried that he might had scared his staff away and now he has to do the work all alone again.

And so what if I have forgotten to turn off the lights in the office, because I assumed that the lights are centralized. Do I want to take actions tomorrow and admit that it was me being last at the office? Then that would be worthy, because I’ve learnt to be responsible.

So I am going to play full out, to live every moment that I step in at work; the game of being a resourceful, competent, peaceful, and transparent employee; who is always on time and taking charge at any situations.

I won’t be here forever, so I will use the days given to perform and enjoy the miracle which is already there.

the hat

Each person's life is a miracle, it's only how you look into seeing the ordinary situations in life instead of going for the extraordinary ones.

Long ago I said; only a miracle could make me attend the convocation.

Perhaps the miracle is already there.

Coming soon!

the blonde who dont have TV

Happy merdeka.

Last night, after so long haven't entered the club scene, I celebrated with aching feet as my legs were not prepared with the two hours of non stop dance.

Despite that I did not see any fireworks at all around the twin tower, it was quite cute to witness people in the club, regardless of any ethnicity, were capable of singing along Rasa Sayang, Lenggang Kangkong and Tanggal 31. At least all of them shouted at the Merdeka part lah.

The next morning I was given a shock when what's left on the TV table in my apartment; was dust. I did not expect that my friend will claim his TV that quick. I wasn't at all prepared.

So I went down into this breakdown, well, I have to admit that TV is a neccessity in life especially when I am stuck at home on a holiday with nothing to do and nobody was around. Naturally I would blame my friend for not being empathic at all for taking away the TV without at least one month notice in advance. How could he be so heartless?

So on and on I was in my breakdown but then I see that it doesn't really work if I just stay on being that way because I'll get more stressed with something that seem to be a small matter at the first place.

I took on creating a game; the game of not having a TV at home.
It doesn't matter whether I will win anything or I lose anything;
but if I win, I'll get a huge win- I'll get a huger a better TV.

So I decided to experience the game.
What's so is that I have no TV. What can I do to fill up the blank space of this missing entertainment in the house? I looked back on how I survived the time I did not have the TV.

I used my PC which has a TV card!
So off I went to town, and get my PC fixed (the cooler fan was spoilt so I replaced that);
and I shifted my PC to the hall.
There, now I have a temporary mini TV to watch Astro again.

But that's not the end of the game yet.
So I have a temporary TV now. What can I do next?
I decided to go out and survey for a new TV.
And IT WAS FUN. TV nowadays are so affordable.
I could see that I can save some money and get myself a plasma TV.
I'm so inspired!!!!

Apart of that, as I was analysing myself, I tried on again this concept:

The thing that you hate about people is the thing that reflects about yourself.

I make it mean that my friend was mean for just taking away his TV without thinking about what his friends might feel.

What hit me was; I did the same thing to my boss in the dental clinic.
Instead of waiting for her to be around in the clinic, I sent her a phone text saying that it's my last day working; and I never thought that I might be leaving her incomplete, and worried because there would be no staff taking care of the record of overdue patients.
That was really something that opened to me.

And as for my friend the TV owner,
There's nothing wrong of him doing what he did.
He only claimed his rights, and he was really a noble friend;
for lending us his huge big ass TV for years of entertainment, in my apartment.
He's a good friend, it's only me who's not choosing him.

So now I choose him for what he is and what he isn't.
It doesn't matter if breakdowns occur in the future-
I will choose him again, and again.