(Note: Please click this green link first before you read on. You don’t want to get all confused.)
Today I’ve realized that out of my struggle of trying to put away this upset of rejection and humiliation, I missed the essence of it.
I actually have given too much worrying on what the others might think of my playing, and the impact is that I blow my instrument solely through a state of worrying. I was not playing out of my initial intention- out of unconditional passion of playing. Do my best and play out of loving it, not out of worrying.
I’ll continue my journey, focusing on what I need to do to have myself mentally and physically prepared.
Next step is to order the required scores online, and to start memorizing scales C,D,E,F and G, as requested by my tutor.
As I am already prepared to look for further challenges, suddenly I received a call!
True enough. I’ve failed the audition.
But they were giving me a different opportunity- to attend the music camp, get an exposure, and mingle with the young musicians.
My prayers, dream and possibility-
is still being heard.
converting your faith
I was invited to go to a get together dinner by a not-so-close friend who I occasionally go to club with on weekend nights.
The host is a good cook and all the Malay dishes were delicious.
Gays in earlier twenties to late thirties came for the occasion.
And then the host made an announcement, with a smile on his face.
Tonight would be the last night I can gather with all of you my friends.
I will be getting married next month, and here in this photo is my sweet dear wife.
Please come for the wedding dinner.
The guests around him were playfully interviewing him-
How do you feel knowing that you are getting married?
He replied.
Well this is arranged by my parents,
But this is the thing that I want- to be married at the age of 25.
As of what I feel, I feel so happy that finally I am getting married,
although slightly sad that I am going to do so at a young age.
But this is what we call as good fate.
After the short announcement,
he and the whole gang took a lot of pictures with the camera.
As they were having a cheerful get together,
I was feeling a bit sad that this friend has chosen a path
Where he will leave all his current life behind.
But you don’t have to agree with another opinion-
If you are certain that the path you chosen would give the best benefit in your life.
If he is content with the decision, then that would be the best for him.
And I was privileged to observe such an event in life.
The host is a good cook and all the Malay dishes were delicious.
Gays in earlier twenties to late thirties came for the occasion.
And then the host made an announcement, with a smile on his face.
Tonight would be the last night I can gather with all of you my friends.
I will be getting married next month, and here in this photo is my sweet dear wife.
Please come for the wedding dinner.
The guests around him were playfully interviewing him-
How do you feel knowing that you are getting married?
He replied.
Well this is arranged by my parents,
But this is the thing that I want- to be married at the age of 25.
As of what I feel, I feel so happy that finally I am getting married,
although slightly sad that I am going to do so at a young age.
But this is what we call as good fate.
After the short announcement,
he and the whole gang took a lot of pictures with the camera.
As they were having a cheerful get together,
I was feeling a bit sad that this friend has chosen a path
Where he will leave all his current life behind.
But you don’t have to agree with another opinion-
If you are certain that the path you chosen would give the best benefit in your life.
If he is content with the decision, then that would be the best for him.
And I was privileged to observe such an event in life.
the audition
My tutor said.
"Don’t think too much."
As in, when I hesitate and worry too much to do the next step, I can give up the worry and go ahead.
So I straight away make myself be courageous, walked into the orchestra rehearsal, and asked the conductor for an audition. It would be on the next day in the afternoon.
The real thing was scarier than I thought. I was the first being called for the audition.
I had problems with my current mouthpiece- it gives me good tone but it exhausts my endurance and I couldn’t reach high notes. I borrowed another easier mouthpiece at the very last minute before entering the audition room.
There were three panels, all professional conductors who meant business.
I played a very short etude as advised by my tutor, rather than playing a few lines of my Hummel (which would sound impressive and I’ve already played it for a thousand times). I stumbled with the running notes in the etude as I rushed the tempo out of being nervous.
The etude was from a book my coach lend to me just a day before. Suddenly one of the panels went close to me, he flipped to a random page, and I was asked to sight read. An A major with only 3 sharps- at normal conditions would be like a walk, but at that particular moment, I just screw it up like a 7 year old boy trying to catwalk with an oversized pair of stilettos.
As the panel stood next to me and assisted by giving me the tempo, the other two were at their table, looking at each other, whispering. I was helpless. And hopeless.
After it’s all done, I said thanks, meekly saying that I was nervous. As if that’s going to help anything.
It was humiliating.
A lot of things went through my head.
I made a fool out of myself and all these years I talk like I know music but in reality I suck big time.
What was I thinking? There is a row of very good trumpet players younger than me who could play concertos and here I am pretending that I am going to be a world class orchestra player, barging into a very high standard orchestra audition.
All the effort, practicing and the cost of getting resources like books and lessons are just a waste of time. I should just stay being a computer technician and finish all my money for a trip to Bangkok or buy some nice clothes. At least life would feel easier.
I should just put off the remaining flame of hope for good and not be too ambitious. After all it’s just crap to think that we can get what we want.
Yes, all the thoughts were killing me.
I became weak, cynical, and stopped.
After I returned home from the audition,
I skipped the nice warm afternoon for a good swim.
I even lost appetite to eat dinner.
I am lucky to have friends who reminded me that it’s just a screw up as a result of no preparation. Experience teaches you the hard yet effective way, provided that you want to learn the lesson out of it.
Now I have been given a preview of how it might feel when I take music exams, and future auditions for more serious performances.
This is life, and life is not easy.
Keep on runaway from it and I’ll be forever miserable,
Deal and learn and I will gain at each moment.
I won’t kill my own virtue.
I am a trumpeter. Move on, trumpet player.
"Don’t think too much."
As in, when I hesitate and worry too much to do the next step, I can give up the worry and go ahead.
So I straight away make myself be courageous, walked into the orchestra rehearsal, and asked the conductor for an audition. It would be on the next day in the afternoon.
The real thing was scarier than I thought. I was the first being called for the audition.
I had problems with my current mouthpiece- it gives me good tone but it exhausts my endurance and I couldn’t reach high notes. I borrowed another easier mouthpiece at the very last minute before entering the audition room.
There were three panels, all professional conductors who meant business.
I played a very short etude as advised by my tutor, rather than playing a few lines of my Hummel (which would sound impressive and I’ve already played it for a thousand times). I stumbled with the running notes in the etude as I rushed the tempo out of being nervous.
The etude was from a book my coach lend to me just a day before. Suddenly one of the panels went close to me, he flipped to a random page, and I was asked to sight read. An A major with only 3 sharps- at normal conditions would be like a walk, but at that particular moment, I just screw it up like a 7 year old boy trying to catwalk with an oversized pair of stilettos.
As the panel stood next to me and assisted by giving me the tempo, the other two were at their table, looking at each other, whispering. I was helpless. And hopeless.
After it’s all done, I said thanks, meekly saying that I was nervous. As if that’s going to help anything.
It was humiliating.
A lot of things went through my head.
I made a fool out of myself and all these years I talk like I know music but in reality I suck big time.
What was I thinking? There is a row of very good trumpet players younger than me who could play concertos and here I am pretending that I am going to be a world class orchestra player, barging into a very high standard orchestra audition.
All the effort, practicing and the cost of getting resources like books and lessons are just a waste of time. I should just stay being a computer technician and finish all my money for a trip to Bangkok or buy some nice clothes. At least life would feel easier.
I should just put off the remaining flame of hope for good and not be too ambitious. After all it’s just crap to think that we can get what we want.
Yes, all the thoughts were killing me.
I became weak, cynical, and stopped.
After I returned home from the audition,
I skipped the nice warm afternoon for a good swim.
I even lost appetite to eat dinner.
I am lucky to have friends who reminded me that it’s just a screw up as a result of no preparation. Experience teaches you the hard yet effective way, provided that you want to learn the lesson out of it.
Now I have been given a preview of how it might feel when I take music exams, and future auditions for more serious performances.
This is life, and life is not easy.
Keep on runaway from it and I’ll be forever miserable,
Deal and learn and I will gain at each moment.
I won’t kill my own virtue.
I am a trumpeter. Move on, trumpet player.
ah, it's nothing
I have now chosen to shrug away all my unnecessary worries, because they are baseless, and I am not going to be affected by certain small occurrence in life, and make them stop my life.
It’s quite dangerous to feel disempowered and all moody just because I haven’t accepted the fact that in this real world, there are people around me who don’t feel comfortable of me being gay.
My life is at speed now, if I suddenly stop to pamper my childish moods, I fear that I will skid terribly in this race.
So I’m now getting off the silly upset. Time to whisk my hair and do the catwalk. (Matilah not relevant).
ANYWAY.
So what’s running in my life now?
At the moment I had less time to practice, I just do the sessions hastily and I get an uncomfortable ulcer on my upper lip. Oh please don’t speculate that I’m involved in violent activities during bedtime ya. Everyone knows that practicing without warming up can risk you injuring yourself. Adding to that, playing with the mute is another factor of injury- since I have to force my blowing to compensate with the air block by the mute.
And I definitely need to schedule my activities especially my practicing- they are too randomly done. In fact, at the moment I’m typing this post I am still wondering whether I’m on track. That’s a sign of doing action without proper planning and goals.
The other day I was talking to a professor regarding on my plans. And you know what? He gave me cash for me to buy my scores for grade five. And what I need to give in return is to develop myself and make the music notes worth it. What I will have to do next is to purchase those books online with a credit card.
Apart of that, these are small random things that happened in my life:
I think Jojoubs can squeak the phrase “So-sweet!” in a lightning speed and at the tiniest highest pitch. So gifted. Me so jealous.
I was sitting in my office and suddenly the chair was rocking on its own for five minutes. Nothing to do with supernatural stuff. Thank goodness no one was trying to voodoo me since I am too cute. Oh~ ^_^
We suspected there’s an earthquake somewhere on planet earth. We straight away checked the net, true enough, CNN reported there was an earthquake in Aceh.
As I was stopping at the red light, (not red light district ya, if it’s red light district then I won’t be stopping, I might be dancing on the table already lah), I spot the car beside me has it’s gas tank lid is left opened. What if the petrol spill outside the tank? Then there would be a huge pollution disaster and all fishes will die.
So I gave some sexy body language to tell the driver that his tank lid is opened, and I helped to close it for him. Wah me so good boy.
Yeah I am typing nonsense now and you are reading nonsense too. Go back and do your work :P
It’s quite dangerous to feel disempowered and all moody just because I haven’t accepted the fact that in this real world, there are people around me who don’t feel comfortable of me being gay.
My life is at speed now, if I suddenly stop to pamper my childish moods, I fear that I will skid terribly in this race.
So I’m now getting off the silly upset. Time to whisk my hair and do the catwalk. (Matilah not relevant).
ANYWAY.
So what’s running in my life now?
At the moment I had less time to practice, I just do the sessions hastily and I get an uncomfortable ulcer on my upper lip. Oh please don’t speculate that I’m involved in violent activities during bedtime ya. Everyone knows that practicing without warming up can risk you injuring yourself. Adding to that, playing with the mute is another factor of injury- since I have to force my blowing to compensate with the air block by the mute.
And I definitely need to schedule my activities especially my practicing- they are too randomly done. In fact, at the moment I’m typing this post I am still wondering whether I’m on track. That’s a sign of doing action without proper planning and goals.
The other day I was talking to a professor regarding on my plans. And you know what? He gave me cash for me to buy my scores for grade five. And what I need to give in return is to develop myself and make the music notes worth it. What I will have to do next is to purchase those books online with a credit card.
Apart of that, these are small random things that happened in my life:
I think Jojoubs can squeak the phrase “So-sweet!” in a lightning speed and at the tiniest highest pitch. So gifted. Me so jealous.
I was sitting in my office and suddenly the chair was rocking on its own for five minutes. Nothing to do with supernatural stuff. Thank goodness no one was trying to voodoo me since I am too cute. Oh~ ^_^
We suspected there’s an earthquake somewhere on planet earth. We straight away checked the net, true enough, CNN reported there was an earthquake in Aceh.
As I was stopping at the red light, (not red light district ya, if it’s red light district then I won’t be stopping, I might be dancing on the table already lah), I spot the car beside me has it’s gas tank lid is left opened. What if the petrol spill outside the tank? Then there would be a huge pollution disaster and all fishes will die.
So I gave some sexy body language to tell the driver that his tank lid is opened, and I helped to close it for him. Wah me so good boy.
Yeah I am typing nonsense now and you are reading nonsense too. Go back and do your work :P
yeah i know
I do realized that my practicing of accepting life is halted right now.
A few small occurrence that happened for this whole week makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable.
Firstly, the letters that mom and my siblings discovered from my stash.
Secondly, my colleague (the data administrator) has now blocked a few of the sites that I frequently visit, including myspace, blogspot and facebook.
I do realize that I can choose to be affected by these situations, or I can choose to take advantage out of it.
For the moment I'm still staying with the upset.
A few small occurrence that happened for this whole week makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable.
Firstly, the letters that mom and my siblings discovered from my stash.
Secondly, my colleague (the data administrator) has now blocked a few of the sites that I frequently visit, including myspace, blogspot and facebook.
I do realize that I can choose to be affected by these situations, or I can choose to take advantage out of it.
For the moment I'm still staying with the upset.
i'm melancholic today
Doaku agar kau kan selalu bahagia
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangimu
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna kerelaanmu
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu
Ku undur diri bersama harapan
Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan ku pendam rahsia
Ku di kejauhan mendoakan
Agar kau bahagia tiada lagi duka
Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami
Tiada penyesalan kasihku korbankan
Andai telah tertulis ku terima ini bukannya ku pinta
Oh pergilah dikau diiringi keikhlasanku,
Cuma pengalaman mengisi kekosongan mimpiku
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu
Ku undur diri bersama harapan
Ho... hooh
Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan ku pendam rahsia
Ku di kejauhan mendoakan
Agar kau bahagia tiada lagi duka
Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami
Oh...
Hooh...
Harapan
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangimu
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna kerelaanmu
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu
Ku undur diri bersama harapan
Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan ku pendam rahsia
Ku di kejauhan mendoakan
Agar kau bahagia tiada lagi duka
Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami
Tiada penyesalan kasihku korbankan
Andai telah tertulis ku terima ini bukannya ku pinta
Oh pergilah dikau diiringi keikhlasanku,
Cuma pengalaman mengisi kekosongan mimpiku
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu
Ku undur diri bersama harapan
Ho... hooh
Tidak kesampaian cinta kita
Ku bawa harapan ku pendam rahsia
Ku di kejauhan mendoakan
Agar kau bahagia tiada lagi duka
Daku rela mengundur diri
Ku pasti dikau kan fahami
Oh...
Hooh...
Harapan
the best solution
The child went home and had a heated argument with the mother.
It ended up the child wiping tears, hastily carrying the luggage bag away,
Saying, “you will never understand that your son is born gay. I will leave this house forever.”
That was the last they’ve ever heard about the child.
Oh, pleaseeeee.. save the BS.
I’ve just created the drama above.
Ha ha ha.
*Twirls happily
Referring to the previous post,
I now see that the best thing to do is- just do nothing.
(In the first place have you read my previous post? Scroll down and read it first-lah. No wonder you look so blur-blur like that.)
If I am to be generous and look into how the situation lands on my mom’s side,
I can really understand how she feels ashamed of the letter "berbau gay" that my siblings discovered inside my stack of junk.
Doing nothing and just let the situation be,
Doesn’t mean that I couldn’t figure out what’s the best action to be done.
It is indeed the best solution for this situation.
Imagine if I prolong the conversation,
Trying to defend my own sexuality,
And trying to fix things,
when actually it’s fine that things happened,
and they don’t need fixing.
Trying to fix would only make things worse.
If you are gay, it’s just common sense for things like this to happen.
Don’t defend your opinion,
And don’t lie that you have changed,
saying "oh mama I can get married
now that I don't like guys with muscular chest anymore".
Just be at peace, and shut the mouth, and be with your mom.
That’s the best gift, out of loving, respecting and understanding your parent.
It ended up the child wiping tears, hastily carrying the luggage bag away,
Saying, “you will never understand that your son is born gay. I will leave this house forever.”
That was the last they’ve ever heard about the child.
Oh, pleaseeeee.. save the BS.
I’ve just created the drama above.
Ha ha ha.
*Twirls happily
Referring to the previous post,
I now see that the best thing to do is- just do nothing.
(In the first place have you read my previous post? Scroll down and read it first-lah. No wonder you look so blur-blur like that.)
If I am to be generous and look into how the situation lands on my mom’s side,
I can really understand how she feels ashamed of the letter "berbau gay" that my siblings discovered inside my stack of junk.
Doing nothing and just let the situation be,
Doesn’t mean that I couldn’t figure out what’s the best action to be done.
It is indeed the best solution for this situation.
Imagine if I prolong the conversation,
Trying to defend my own sexuality,
And trying to fix things,
when actually it’s fine that things happened,
and they don’t need fixing.
Trying to fix would only make things worse.
If you are gay, it’s just common sense for things like this to happen.
Don’t defend your opinion,
And don’t lie that you have changed,
saying "oh mama I can get married
now that I don't like guys with muscular chest anymore".
Just be at peace, and shut the mouth, and be with your mom.
That’s the best gift, out of loving, respecting and understanding your parent.
here. we go. again.
I have to admit that there is an uneasy feeling in my chest right now. Darned. Maybe there is actually some kind of feeling inside that I haven’t given up.
Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Nah. Still got bad feeling inside. Must vent it out.
Anyway. What happened?
Saying it in short, my siblings and my mom discovered my old letters, telling the past about my gay teens.
I know it’s my carelessness of leaving things behind.
Mental note: Do not trust anybody when it comes to your private stuff.
Before you can twirl and say “I am gay and the world becomes less gay without me”,
Your private photos are spread around the globe. Just look at poor Edison Chen.
Anyway.
This is the first phone message that I got when I opened my eyes in the morning.
I even had no chance to make cereal drink and lean against the table like a diva, and say “Ah, life is good when you drink Brand X”.
This is not an exact verbatim of the message, but it goes this way:
You have malu-fied me and your siblings with your old letters.
Are you still doing sinful things which will cause God’s wrath?
Life is not once, like some people out there think.
There is an after life.
You are still being around with those who don’t have conscience.
Matilah.. you all don’t have conscience katanya.
I can see that there is a repetitive predictable future in this novel called “My Life”.
Mom found something fishy.
Mom goes panicky and mom will advise.
Son tries to comfort and son keeps it down.
Life became at peace again.
(repeat infinity times)
Should I continue this ballet, twirling around in a melancholic expression, feeling bad and feeling guilty and feeling that life is unfair and then at the end sing the song “Oh God you are so unfair, I didn’t ask to like men”?
Enough. Did that ballet for eight years. Got tired.
The truth is, I am gay and that won’t change.
The truth is, mom is against it, for the faith of God, and the religion, because that’s the ultimate thing in life.
And the mini-truth for the moment is, my letters have been discovered.
Like, ooh, we found scriptures from our excavation telling that this mummy is sinful.
Let’s put that on Discovery Channel.
Well, there are millions of civilized straight people out there who hold onto the slogan “being gay is totally unacceptable”.
How do the gays act to this?
Some gays choose to conform and choose to change to be straight.
Some gays succeed, some gays failed.
Some gays tried (like me), but at the end they remain gay.
The rest, they couldn’t be bothered.
What do I see?
I understand that the holy Koran says something about being gay.
I also see that God has made me gay, unchangeable.
For straight people who believe that there’s a way for change,
I believe that’s crap.
There’s only one thing that I believe could change me-
God’s willingness to change my sexuality.
He gave me this and I accepted it.
Nothing wrong about what He gave.
Putting all the longwinding menceceh of the above,
Knowing that my letters are already excavated,
What can I do now? (Uh-oh, that’s THE question).
Well, the first step is to give up making myself wrong. And give up making my mom wrong. And give up making the situation wrong, and also don’t even think about blaming God. Things happen, and it happened.
And mom did that just because she cared, and she's just worried.
I'm fine nevertheless. I love my life that God gave me.
God has His mysterious ways. There must be something lying behind all these.
From here, I can do any action by being at peace and for the love of my family.
p/s: Darned. I still have bits and pieces of that uncomfortable feeling. Looks like I am trying to runaway from the problem rather than dealing with it. Any ideas on what to do?
Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Nah. Still got bad feeling inside. Must vent it out.
Anyway. What happened?
Saying it in short, my siblings and my mom discovered my old letters, telling the past about my gay teens.
I know it’s my carelessness of leaving things behind.
Mental note: Do not trust anybody when it comes to your private stuff.
Before you can twirl and say “I am gay and the world becomes less gay without me”,
Your private photos are spread around the globe. Just look at poor Edison Chen.
Anyway.
This is the first phone message that I got when I opened my eyes in the morning.
I even had no chance to make cereal drink and lean against the table like a diva, and say “Ah, life is good when you drink Brand X”.
This is not an exact verbatim of the message, but it goes this way:
You have malu-fied me and your siblings with your old letters.
Are you still doing sinful things which will cause God’s wrath?
Life is not once, like some people out there think.
There is an after life.
You are still being around with those who don’t have conscience.
Matilah.. you all don’t have conscience katanya.
I can see that there is a repetitive predictable future in this novel called “My Life”.
Mom found something fishy.
Mom goes panicky and mom will advise.
Son tries to comfort and son keeps it down.
Life became at peace again.
(repeat infinity times)
Should I continue this ballet, twirling around in a melancholic expression, feeling bad and feeling guilty and feeling that life is unfair and then at the end sing the song “Oh God you are so unfair, I didn’t ask to like men”?
Enough. Did that ballet for eight years. Got tired.
The truth is, I am gay and that won’t change.
The truth is, mom is against it, for the faith of God, and the religion, because that’s the ultimate thing in life.
And the mini-truth for the moment is, my letters have been discovered.
Like, ooh, we found scriptures from our excavation telling that this mummy is sinful.
Let’s put that on Discovery Channel.
Well, there are millions of civilized straight people out there who hold onto the slogan “being gay is totally unacceptable”.
How do the gays act to this?
Some gays choose to conform and choose to change to be straight.
Some gays succeed, some gays failed.
Some gays tried (like me), but at the end they remain gay.
The rest, they couldn’t be bothered.
What do I see?
I understand that the holy Koran says something about being gay.
I also see that God has made me gay, unchangeable.
For straight people who believe that there’s a way for change,
I believe that’s crap.
There’s only one thing that I believe could change me-
God’s willingness to change my sexuality.
He gave me this and I accepted it.
Nothing wrong about what He gave.
Putting all the longwinding menceceh of the above,
Knowing that my letters are already excavated,
What can I do now? (Uh-oh, that’s THE question).
Well, the first step is to give up making myself wrong. And give up making my mom wrong. And give up making the situation wrong, and also don’t even think about blaming God. Things happen, and it happened.
And mom did that just because she cared, and she's just worried.
I'm fine nevertheless. I love my life that God gave me.
God has His mysterious ways. There must be something lying behind all these.
From here, I can do any action by being at peace and for the love of my family.
p/s: Darned. I still have bits and pieces of that uncomfortable feeling. Looks like I am trying to runaway from the problem rather than dealing with it. Any ideas on what to do?
why do i blog?
Why do people blog?
Some want popularity and high traffic.
Some have it as an extension of them reaching people.
Some want to speak things they don't usually speak in real life.
As for me, I also want all of the above. Hahaha.
But my main intention is to have people see that there's hope in life.
You make your life miserable when you hate it.
You make your life workable, and wonderful, if you just accept and deal with it.
Simple.
But as I blog through the years,
Some say that my blog has turned boring.
(But I have more readers now, how lah? Ha ha ha)
Why my blog seems boring nowadays? Maybe:
They miss the blonde in me-
They miss me snapping and cursing at people and make the world shake it around baby.
They miss me doing silly stuff and laugh about it.
Well.
I can always do more things at the same time right?
Have people inspired- and enlightened by the blonde silly things in life.
(You all really keji. Complain a lot only, boring la itu la ini lah. Benci.)
Let's see if I can blow some humour in here. Hmm.
Some want popularity and high traffic.
Some have it as an extension of them reaching people.
Some want to speak things they don't usually speak in real life.
As for me, I also want all of the above. Hahaha.
But my main intention is to have people see that there's hope in life.
You make your life miserable when you hate it.
You make your life workable, and wonderful, if you just accept and deal with it.
Simple.
But as I blog through the years,
Some say that my blog has turned boring.
(But I have more readers now, how lah? Ha ha ha)
Why my blog seems boring nowadays? Maybe:
They miss the blonde in me-
They miss me snapping and cursing at people and make the world shake it around baby.
They miss me doing silly stuff and laugh about it.
Well.
I can always do more things at the same time right?
Have people inspired- and enlightened by the blonde silly things in life.
(You all really keji. Complain a lot only, boring la itu la ini lah. Benci.)
Let's see if I can blow some humour in here. Hmm.
nice sunday
Today's the last day for the Chinese New Year hols.
I went to a friend's condo and swam at the pool.
The design of this condo is clever.. it's timeless.
Even after years,
It will always look like a resort,
with a Spanish touch.
That is why it is nice to be here
on a Sunday at eleven,
when the sun is up.
Ah.. life.
i was injured
I was injured.
Emotionally and mentally I think.
Well I had to do a medical checkup far in Bangi, because it's the official panel health center for the company I am hired to in March.
I thought it was just a medical check up- X ray, a little hand pressure by the doctor on the tummy, and then some urine test, but-
They had to draw my blood for Hepatitis test.
So far as my history has been told, I will go pale when it comes to blood test.
Exemption for the case of me having dengue years ago- I was too weak to even care if they check my blood.
So there I was, trembling a little, biting my lips a little-
Feeling the slight sting of the syringe needle-
And when I opened my eyes, they are done-
with the syringe tube full of black red blood.
That was when my system started to breakdown.
As I walk to the gents to fill up the small container with my urine for test,
I feel as if the blood of my whole body was drawn out.
My face started to feel extremely cold.
Err.. no, not this kind of feel good chills.
Yeah, more like this.
And after I passed my urine to the nurses-
They saw that my face was white.
Had no choice but to ask permission to lie down on the small blue bed.
Five minutes and I was okay.
Darned. That was.. shy lah.
cute things in my cute apartment
Photos taken with my Sony W810i phone..
Sometimes I keep gift boxes since they're nice.
The tall grey was given by PakarSaintis and the small red was a Bodyshop Christmas gift from my trumpet student's mother.
Sesame Street!
Ernie was given to me by my dad, after my circumcision. :P
The flag, I got it from Singapore lah. Just a week after their National Day.
A small fish tank owned by my housemate.
Got this quilt cover set at 70 percent off! Feels like Puteri Gunong Ledang..
Keeping the vege fresh for my iguana Hoshi.
White flowers with red background. One stalk was from Mydin, the other was from Ikea. The red paper was bought in Sungei Wang.
Small Bali corner? The candle was a gift by the Sylvester sisters.
Sometimes I keep gift boxes since they're nice.
The tall grey was given by PakarSaintis and the small red was a Bodyshop Christmas gift from my trumpet student's mother.
Sesame Street!
Ernie was given to me by my dad, after my circumcision. :P
The flag, I got it from Singapore lah. Just a week after their National Day.
A small fish tank owned by my housemate.
Got this quilt cover set at 70 percent off! Feels like Puteri Gunong Ledang..
Keeping the vege fresh for my iguana Hoshi.
White flowers with red background. One stalk was from Mydin, the other was from Ikea. The red paper was bought in Sungei Wang.
Small Bali corner? The candle was a gift by the Sylvester sisters.
happy chi new year everyone...!
Most of us were granted four days for a long weekend, this CNY.
On Wednesday, after work, apart of the distant sound of fireworks, I had a peaceful evening to myself. Took a shower after applying papaya body scrub, and then wore the only pair of pyjamas that I have now (was given by mom for my birthday). I went straight to bed at six, after applying peppermint lotion to my feet.
At ten, I woke up and met dear dear Z. We had a good dinner in a fancy place in Subang. Can’t remember the name, but the shop was at SS15, across Old Town Kopitiam.
Thursday was good. I spent the whole day with a good friend who is also my good colleague. It was very good company, knowing that all of our friends are on their holiday and Damansara felt quite quiet.
Today I had lunch with the same friend, and after that I spent the whole afternoon with myself. Nothing productive, except that I managed to practice two trumpet studies, with my trumpet and it’s mute. Most of the time I played rubbish- playfully finding the notes of “Fly Me to the Moon” and “How Deep is Your Love”.
No integrity.
Tomorrow after my medical check up, I am going to lock myself inside the house and do my Hummel. After that should be two more studies and one Arban study.
Hmm.
On Wednesday, after work, apart of the distant sound of fireworks, I had a peaceful evening to myself. Took a shower after applying papaya body scrub, and then wore the only pair of pyjamas that I have now (was given by mom for my birthday). I went straight to bed at six, after applying peppermint lotion to my feet.
At ten, I woke up and met dear dear Z. We had a good dinner in a fancy place in Subang. Can’t remember the name, but the shop was at SS15, across Old Town Kopitiam.
Thursday was good. I spent the whole day with a good friend who is also my good colleague. It was very good company, knowing that all of our friends are on their holiday and Damansara felt quite quiet.
Today I had lunch with the same friend, and after that I spent the whole afternoon with myself. Nothing productive, except that I managed to practice two trumpet studies, with my trumpet and it’s mute. Most of the time I played rubbish- playfully finding the notes of “Fly Me to the Moon” and “How Deep is Your Love”.
No integrity.
Tomorrow after my medical check up, I am going to lock myself inside the house and do my Hummel. After that should be two more studies and one Arban study.
Hmm.
ouch.
Something had given me quite a slap on the face recently.
I made it mean that I am not a considerate neighbour, being foolish, and I felt terrible.
What happened? A notice was written and posted at the ground floor level. In caps, with red pen.
“ALAT MUZIK BISING. AWAL SUBUH DAN LEWAT MALAM”
Now I see that closing all doors and windows is not enough to stop my trumpet sound travelling outside the apartment.
I take what happened is a breakdown towards both of my possibilities- the possibility of bringing peace to people (certainly people were not peaceful when they can hear my trumpet playing) and the possibility of being a trumpet player (my schedule can be disrupted here).
I put it aside first, and I am thinking of what are ways to restore this.
Should I get up really early and practice my trumpet in the office instead? That’s one option.
Should I just play my trumpet using the cup mute to mute the sound? That’s another option.
I inquired my trumpet tutor about this, and he gave me green light on using the mute.
It won’t affect my practice quality, and it will keep the neighbours happy.
Problem solved.
I made it mean that I am not a considerate neighbour, being foolish, and I felt terrible.
What happened? A notice was written and posted at the ground floor level. In caps, with red pen.
“ALAT MUZIK BISING. AWAL SUBUH DAN LEWAT MALAM”
Now I see that closing all doors and windows is not enough to stop my trumpet sound travelling outside the apartment.
I take what happened is a breakdown towards both of my possibilities- the possibility of bringing peace to people (certainly people were not peaceful when they can hear my trumpet playing) and the possibility of being a trumpet player (my schedule can be disrupted here).
I put it aside first, and I am thinking of what are ways to restore this.
Should I get up really early and practice my trumpet in the office instead? That’s one option.
Should I just play my trumpet using the cup mute to mute the sound? That’s another option.
I inquired my trumpet tutor about this, and he gave me green light on using the mute.
It won’t affect my practice quality, and it will keep the neighbours happy.
Problem solved.
how did you spend your weekend?
Fever attacked me again on Saturday morning. Mom speculates that my tonsil is starting to become sensitive again, just like when I was young. Now I am literally allergic to spicey food and icey drinks.
But I managed to force myself out of bed, and go straight to Istana Budaya to meet my guru for my trumpet lesson. I am still poor in a lot of stuff, especially my low G#.
Personal note for me, as what have been told by my tutor:
a)Start by blowing low G# WITHOUT tongue, until I get a solid sound
b)Do not force myself to flatten the G# to the correct pitch- get the tone first
c)Get all notes connected, it’s the same method either playing songs or technical practices
d)Stop the bad habit of “mini-diminuendo” at the end of crescendo- maintain the forte until the end
e)Follow the tempo while breathing in before playing
f)Practice more songs! Put aside the grade eight pieces first, and start with the fundamentals.
After my lesson session ended, there was the IB Youth Orchestra rehearsal happening outside the door, at the concourse.
Conductor :: Your student?
Tutor :: Yes. He’s interested in joining. Is it possible?
Conductor :: We can arrange an audition for him. (Looking at me) Come, sit down and try the songs.
So there was I, sitting down, struggling with the Overture 1812 being thrown at me, sitting with kids obviously younger and more talented than me (they have at least grade 7 ABRSM).
But I had my fun dwelling with the inferiority for a while.
Continuing myself being that won’t help to go towards the possibility of being a world class trumpet and orchestra performer.
I’ll do my best to qualify for the audition- but if I fail, it sucks, but I’m not going to stop just here.
Mr. Koh is my inspiration. Given that he went through a lot of challenges, frustrations, outcomes that didn't meet his expections, and being laughed at by people around him, he NEVER stops.
And it’s worth it.
But I managed to force myself out of bed, and go straight to Istana Budaya to meet my guru for my trumpet lesson. I am still poor in a lot of stuff, especially my low G#.
Personal note for me, as what have been told by my tutor:
a)Start by blowing low G# WITHOUT tongue, until I get a solid sound
b)Do not force myself to flatten the G# to the correct pitch- get the tone first
c)Get all notes connected, it’s the same method either playing songs or technical practices
d)Stop the bad habit of “mini-diminuendo” at the end of crescendo- maintain the forte until the end
e)Follow the tempo while breathing in before playing
f)Practice more songs! Put aside the grade eight pieces first, and start with the fundamentals.
After my lesson session ended, there was the IB Youth Orchestra rehearsal happening outside the door, at the concourse.
Conductor :: Your student?
Tutor :: Yes. He’s interested in joining. Is it possible?
Conductor :: We can arrange an audition for him. (Looking at me) Come, sit down and try the songs.
So there was I, sitting down, struggling with the Overture 1812 being thrown at me, sitting with kids obviously younger and more talented than me (they have at least grade 7 ABRSM).
But I had my fun dwelling with the inferiority for a while.
Continuing myself being that won’t help to go towards the possibility of being a world class trumpet and orchestra performer.
I’ll do my best to qualify for the audition- but if I fail, it sucks, but I’m not going to stop just here.
Mr. Koh is my inspiration. Given that he went through a lot of challenges, frustrations, outcomes that didn't meet his expections, and being laughed at by people around him, he NEVER stops.
And it’s worth it.
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